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Hard to deal with

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Gumpy
Member
since 11-06-2007
[First Post] 142
Canada


0 posted 11-08-2007 03:06 AM       View Profile for Gumpy   Email Gumpy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Gumpy

Hi everyone. I'm new to posting. Just joined after reading poems here for quite a while.

My sorrow is.....
I have been with my wife for over 11 yrs. married for over 5.  Last Jan. 28th I found a message on the comp that she was on her way to meet a guy for more than drinks. I called her and she returned home. We talked, cried, and decided to work on our relationship.
Recently I found out she's been "playing" with guys online.
we've decided to seperate "for a while".
We have two girls 5 and 9 yrs.
I love my wife more than life and I am feeling consumed by my thoughts and sadness.

I rarely found the need to cry, but now ...
I cry at work, home, driving. I cry at stupid tv shows and movies.
I can't make the pain go away.



I wrote a poem, titled "blinded boyish views", for my wife, but haven't been able to show it to her yet..I have posted it in main forum.



[This message has been edited by Gumpy (11-09-2007 01:12 AM).]

moondogz
Member
since 05-01-2007
Posts 396
Great White North


1 posted 11-08-2007 05:55 AM       View Profile for moondogz   Email moondogz   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moondogz

Gumpy that is totally depressing...I feel for you. Is the internet not "The devils playground?"  It is just waaaaaaaay to easy to go astray these days. I've discovered myself that the internet is as addicting as any drug...very scary. Have you thought about any support groups? Anyway keep us posted as to how u r doing and welcome to pip talk.
Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


2 posted 11-08-2007 09:53 AM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

In my opinion, the internet is but a symptom of the problem.

What is missing that she finds she must go outside of her marriage?  (this is not to say it is any one persons fault).

Only honesty will uncover whether the marriage can be saved.  

No matter what happens, it does get better.  Really.  

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Seeker72
Member
since 02-24-2007
Posts 388
Oregon USA


3 posted 11-08-2007 10:24 AM       View Profile for Seeker72   Email Seeker72   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seeker72

The internet gives those that fear cheating the first step without feeling like they have done something wrong.

It gives a person this false belief that they are doing nothing wrong, then by the time comes they are so deep in lust that it no longer matters.

As mentioned no one person is to blame, you must judge yourself as you judge your wife.

Ask yourself one question though. (Unless you know the answer already.)

How is it that you were able to find out what she was doing?

Did she leave tracks?

Most cases of people cheating online that I know of, they tend to cover their actions pretty well. (Unless they want to be caught.)

The Internet can be an addictive little bugger.

Personally I think it just might be the Antichrist.

I hope things improve for you.
Essorant
Member Elite
since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


4 posted 11-08-2007 09:22 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

If the problem happens through the internet then you need to cut the internet out of your lives.  She needs to stop using the internet and start speaking her feelings more fully to you.
Gumpy
Member
since 11-06-2007
Posts 142
Canada


5 posted 11-09-2007 01:06 AM       View Profile for Gumpy   Email Gumpy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Gumpy

Thank you all for the words of wisdom.
Very kind.
Time will tell I guess.

[This message has been edited by Gumpy (11-10-2007 06:11 AM).]

Seeker72
Member
since 02-24-2007
Posts 388
Oregon USA


6 posted 11-09-2007 01:41 AM       View Profile for Seeker72   Email Seeker72   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seeker72

Time will tell.

Still.... Actions speak louder than words.


;-)
lightkeeper
Member
since 09-13-2006
Posts 100
pluto


7 posted 11-10-2007 04:47 AM       View Profile for lightkeeper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lightkeeper

Believe it or not ...crying.... is a good and healthy reponse.Alot of the time people bottle up their emotions... they hide their pain.. crying does not make you weak... it makes you stronger....
Supressed emotions can manifest into illnesses...... they can be like toxins that need to find a release and so they find a way and usually at the cost of ones health.So believe me crying is good.
  Now i know in crying you may feel like you are coming to terms with this ...maybe you feel its like  as though you are preparing for the worse.... but if she loves you as much as you love her ... you will both find a way to work through this....
  What you need to do is take a real good look at your relationship.. there may have been times when she tried to tell you something was wrong... we get so easily absorbed at times that we fail to see the signs....  You need to reflect and understand... you both need to be able to connect and feel free to express how you feel without judgement.... sometimes we also fail to see the importance of something for someone that ourselves we consider is not.... What is important to your wife ..great or small is important to you and vice versa.

I send you both positive love and light to help heal what has past and to pathe the way for your future.

Love to both you and your loved ones

Bernadette x
Gumpy
Member
since 11-06-2007
Posts 142
Canada


8 posted 11-10-2007 06:16 AM       View Profile for Gumpy   Email Gumpy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Gumpy

Thank you Bernadette.
Your words are meaningful. Thank you for them.

TomMark
Member Elite
since 07-27-2007
Posts 2111
LA,CA


9 posted 11-10-2007 08:12 AM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

try your best to save your marriage. Countinue to love her and care about her.

Gumpy
Member
since 11-06-2007
Posts 142
Canada


10 posted 11-10-2007 08:00 PM       View Profile for Gumpy   Email Gumpy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Gumpy

Thanks Tom.
My love for her is unconditional.
I couldn't stop loving her if I tried to.
I am, and will contintue, to do everything in my power to save what we have.
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


11 posted 02-01-2008 11:17 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

save the marriage.

Talk to her find out why she did it

Talk about to see if you did anything wrong.

see if you can fix this.

I know you probably thought about these but thats the only advise i have ot help you, sorry if came as no help to your situation.

~Zach~
Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


12 posted 02-02-2008 06:13 AM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K

Dear Grumpy,

           Do both of you want to save the marriage?

     Two kids might not be enough of a reason.  I'd think twice about whether it was this relationship you want to save.  This relationship hasn't allowed her to approach you to talk about what she sees as issues in the relationship.  This relationship hasn't allowed you to see a woman driven far enough outside her usual comfort zones to consider having an affair without discussing problem areas first.  To go back to this relationship would hardly be a dandy idea.  To make this thing work, the two of you are going to have to create a new relationship for yourselves with different ways of dealing with each other built in as a matter of both comfort and choice.

     Going back to what you've got now is a losing proposition.  It doesn't bring joy to either of you.
You need to know what has closed her down to the relationship process when the process has most needed openness from both of you.  She needs to know what's made you difficult to address with her concerns.  Is it only your wife, or is it possible other folks may have trouble talking with you?  Is your wife this frightened in all situations, or is it only certain kinds of situations that make her shy about talking?

     Why no see if you can find some good couples' counseling?  And try to imagine what kind of a relationship both of you would be thrilled at being in with each other.  Why settle for the stuff that made you this uncomfortable in the first place?  Why not ask yourselves, both of you, what would make this the relationship of your dreams.  What would you get from each other and what would you give?  

     There's nothing wrong with some appropriate suffering here; as long as you let it motivate the two of you into working out a healthy and reasonably happy solution, the suffering can be quite productive.  There are loads of good counselors about.  Check out one or two until the two of you find somebody you can both work with productively.  If things work well, you'll both come out of this feeling more alive and hopeful.  No reason that shouldn't happen.    
Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


13 posted 02-02-2008 06:15 AM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K

Dear Grumpy,

           Do both of you want to save the marriage?

     Two kids might not be enough of a reason.  I'd think twice about whether it was this relationship you want to save.  This relationship hasn't allowed her to approach you to talk about what she sees as issues in the relationship.  This relationship hasn't allowed you to see a woman driven far enough outside her usual comfort zones to consider having an affair without discussing problem areas first.  To go back to this relationship would hardly be a dandy idea.  To make this thing work, the two of you are going to have to create a new relationship for yourselves with different ways of dealing with each other built in as a matter of both comfort and choice.

     Going back to what you've got now is a losing proposition.  It doesn't bring joy to either of you.
You need to know what has closed her down to the relationship process when the process has most needed openness from both of you.  She needs to know what's made you difficult to address with her concerns.  Is it only your wife, or is it possible other folks may have trouble talking with you?  Is your wife this frightened in all situations, or is it only certain kinds of situations that make her shy about talking?

     Why no see if you can find some good couples' counseling?  And try to imagine what kind of a relationship both of you would be thrilled at being in with each other.  Why settle for the stuff that made you this uncomfortable in the first place?  Why not ask yourselves, both of you, what would make this the relationship of your dreams.  What would you get from each other and what would you give?  

     There's nothing wrong with some appropriate suffering here; as long as you let it motivate the two of you into working out a healthy and reasonably happy solution, the suffering can be quite productive.  There are loads of good counselors about.  Check out one or two until the two of you find somebody you can both work with productively.  If things work well, you'll both come out of this feeling more alive and hopeful.  No reason that shouldn't happen.  

      
sandgrain
Member Elite
since 09-21-1999
Posts 3657
Sycamore, IL, USA


14 posted 02-03-2008 03:04 PM       View Profile for sandgrain   Email sandgrain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sandgrain

I'm sorry for your sad situation.  One of the hardest things seems to be facing that some just don't understand or know what true love is.  They look only for how they feel emotionally...if not happy, they look elsewhere instead of trying to solve the problems.  Often the reason they're not happy is because they have little invested in the marriage.  Seems it's most often the 'takers' who stray off for romance.  The 'givers'are always striving to make the 'takers' content.  

Because God loves us, is no guarantee we'll all love Him back so don't feel you can control the situation.  It has to be your wife's desire to mend this before any counceling will do anything toward that end.

God bless you,
  Rae
 
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