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Children |
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Cloud 9 Senior Member
since 2004-11-05
Posts 980Ca |
So I need a little advice......please So my son is 12 and he is off doing so much now. He's with friends, he joined a youth group on Wed. and is trying out for a high school track team. However, he does keep his homework up and was on honor roll this last quarter AND he keeps up on his chores. O.K. so what's my problem? I just feel like he doesn't need me anymore. Yes yes I know he doesn't need to be strapped to me all day everyday. On one hand I think its wonderful he is doing all of this stuff and I AM VERY PROUD of him. Then on the other hand its the realization he is getting older. Get a hobby? Yes, I am trying to keep myself busy and believe me, my four year old girl keeps me busy. I sat down on the couch the other day, took a deep sigh and thought to myself...."wow, he is growing up." So did any of you go through this? If so, how are ways you handled it? |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
there's a poet, and as always, I forget his name...actually he was considered a poet/profit, he said...we don't own our children...which had a direct impact on my psychi, when I was going thru the same thing with my son. Only difference was, I was a lot more independent then most, and realized the necessity of David going out and finding his own identity. I believe the hardest part was convincing my ex-his father, that he had to give David some room and allow him his own mistakes. Otherwise, how was he to learn. He was a good person, hardly any trouble, gravitated towards the good kids, and fortunately at the time, I was a Sunday School teacher and Youth Group advisor, which is something you could look into. Our home was the home that they all came to. Other then that, in your own time and own way, you have to realize, love, true love is not possessive or co-dependent..you cannot rely on your son, husband or anyone else for happiness/fulfillment or permission to be happy. It's got to be owned by only you. It is very difficult letting them go, for some, worse then others, but there is also a silent admiration in the fact that when you do let him go, he'll love you for it and consider that you trust him and his intuition more. Somehow when you become comfortable, he will become the same. Believe me, when my son joined the Air Force it was hard...no more kids in the house, no more dinners, fishing trips, camping, etc...but you have to replace those things with other gratifing accomplishments for yourself. It isn't easy changing from the role of a mother to all of a sudden not having a child in your home any longer. But, we must allow them, and that's the big word here for you...Allowance...is your son's opened door to a new beginning, a new identity...knowing full well you support him. Be happy in your accomplishment with him and your relationship...but don't let him see how you miss him...just let him know your there for him if need be. It's his time coming....so, best thing you can do for both of you, is to slowly cut the cord...keep telling yourself, it's his time. Presently, he's still there, but there will come a day, when he will leave the nest...and I suppose this is nature's way of getting us ready for that. The great thing is that you've acknowledged it and your not about to smother him.... I hope in some small way, I've helped...please feel free to write me anytime...be proud and grateful that he has been the light of your life for the years you've had him, and understand nature's loving way. The truest way we can show our love sometimes is to let go...painful, yes, but rewarding as well. Hugs to ya...we've all been there... Start making a list of things you would like to do for you...accomplish them...things that you've always thought about doing but never could. Also, caring for others less fortunate then yourself, is always a great way to occupy time...perhaps get involved in a group or agency...but get involved, and meet new people, it's healthy, and rewarding...paint, do a book, take a short 3 day trip, work a part time job, perhaps join a writing group...make special time for you now. It will help the transition go a little more comfortably. Luv Lee J. |
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Cloud 9 Senior Member
since 2004-11-05
Posts 980Ca |
LeeJ "Be happy in your accomplishment with him and your relationship...but don't let him see how you miss him...just let him know your there for him if need be." I am very proud of him. No, I haven't told him that I miss him or that he is gone too much. I want him to be able to leave and not feel guilty or feel like he HAS to be home. That is not my intention nor have I ever made him feel that way. I am just excited and supportive of him in whatever he does and of course making sure of his safety. "It's his time coming....so, best thing you can do for both of you, is to slowly cut the cord...keep telling yourself, it's his time." That is why I sat on the couch and took a deep sigh, it was that feeling. "I hope in some small way, I've helped.." You have helped me alot. I am just glad that there are more mothers that go through this. I guess I am on the right track regarding my responses to this. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
The poet LeeJ is talking about is Kahlil Gibran and one of his most popular books is called The profit. He said, "your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of mankind." All LeeJ said is so true...it's hard to let go but is the best thing for both of you...then just wait until you have grandchildren...it's like a circle of love that keeps moving and it's wonderful!! My best to you!  |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Funny you should ask. When I was in ninth grade I was that busy or more and my parents resctricted my activities. Lessons - piano, organ, double bass, work 20 hrs per week and on the honor roll. Plus recreational activities. The end result for me was to give up on all music, ceased team sports and lost intererest in my GPA(I'd been on the honor roll). So you walk a fine line. If he is successful I'm not so sure he should be held back. I know you're proud of him but support as best you are able. That's my suggestion. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
Gosh, Lee, where were you when I went through those times. You're right on! It reminds me of that saying.. There's 2 things we give our kids, one is roots, the other is wings. Rae |
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desert-spike Member
since 2006-02-01
Posts 194TX/USA |
The hold on losely principle I am guessing may apply here: Keep hold of his reins, but don't jerk on them too tightly, or too suddenly. Your son knows you're the parent, you're in charge, and you're always there, so he doesn't wind up feeling like he's walking on a wire. He knows if he feels overwhelmed that you're there. He may not tell you verbally, but he loves you, and he appreciates you, and your willingness to let him explore his ever broadening awareness of his envronment around him. In his heart, he's niether self sufficient, nor totally self reliant, and that secret knowledge is what allows him to be confident in his dealings with his peers, and the world around him. Be vigilant, and ever-gently-assure him, you're always there. You're his mum and he loves you deeply, and he'll quite certainly need you for a long while to come. Hell I think the only reason any of us ever outgrow the total need of our parents is because we're all mortal and finite, and eventually life-or death as the case may be-forces us to become so. Dunno if that helps any, but there's my two ducats worth... |
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Cloud 9 Senior Member
since 2004-11-05
Posts 980Ca |
To everyone- Thank you for the advice. As I read everyones replies, I am glad I am on the right track with my son. |
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desert-spike Member
since 2006-02-01
Posts 194TX/USA |
Any time, Cloud 9. |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Cloud 9, A repost of mine. Agreeing with the others. Just relax and enjoy your son, and daughter. They too soon become adults. martyjo Letting Go As birds are given wings to fly and soar As high as needed to survive, So sons are given heart and nerve To answer callings, so they may thrive. |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Whoops. Hiccups again! sorry |
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