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Not Doing Well Lately...
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Not Doing Well Lately... |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding 
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Why is it, that after every natural high (and by natural I don't mean that "naturally grown" high, I'm talking a seretonin high  ) I sink lower than I was before? I was on top of the world for a good two weeks or so but now? Now I'm in the depths again, and it's taking every ounce of energy I have to put a smile on my face. My meds are still working, but I just feel ... broken.I need to get away, but I'll still have everything waiting here for me when I get back. I know my friends are at a loss as to what to do with me, and I can't even explain to them what's wrong, because I just don't know what's wrong. My issues with him (and those of you who are reading my poems lately know what that's all about) aren't even the underlying issue. I've got no patience with him, and though I love him, I just want to escape. But I can't, cause three months from now I'll just be right back with him, cause I can't stay away from him. I don't even know if it would be any easier if he were closer. I feel trapped by everything and everyone, like my entire life is a prison that I've got no hope of escape from. I don't have time to be depressed, I've got chemistry that I've got to deal with, after that it's biology, and quite frankly, even though I'm only taking the one chemistry course I feel swamped and like I'm in way over my head. I've begun taking the blame for everything upon myself, I don't like doing it, but in some twisted way it makes me feel better. Gives me a reason to feel sorry for myself or something like that. Problem is, I don't like myself when I do that, but I'm having the hardest time NOT doing that. *sigh* February is always a hard month for me, I don't know why, but it's always the worst month for my depression, but it's not even February yet  I'll be ok, eventually, I'm just... stuck. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Rhonda Adolph - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Honey bunny, I feel your pain. And I care so much for you. I love your courage and determination. Though everyone tells me what long arms I have they don't seem to be long enough for me to help you. I'll send you and email. Just know you aren't alone.   If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
And how do you see things five years from now? |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Check my email too sweet cheeks |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Ironically, this time of year so many of us feel the same. Try to get yourself in the sun, it works. (Even if it is a tanning bed) |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
oh Sue...love the tanning bed. I always feel better after.. okay, I was going to say something else but I think it better in an email....  "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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kitvb1 Junior Member
since 2006-01-23
Posts 28Trebgast, Germany |
Hi Sky, Reading your post I was about to write something, but later on in your... you wrote it yourself. I'll quote you but edited "I don't like myself". A big reason you do it is BECAUSE you don't like yourself. And because you feel a need to feel guilty or be punished, you do thing to him that are not normally in your nature. You need the attention, whether good or bad, you want a reaction. Most people normally regret what they've done after a while and wish they hadn't done or said it in the first place. You are aware of your actions, and you need to change you behaviour accordingly. HE is in a no win situation at the moment. The pacifist approach, you sunconciously think he is weak and you'll walk all over him and lose your respect for him. Alternatively, you'll have blazing rows etc and it'll also end up in the dustbin. Don't do it!! Resect him, bur most of all, respect yourself. I wish you well. Kit We've all been there. How we deal with it determines our paths. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Well, it's a theory. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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jody5 Senior Member
since 2005-12-21
Posts 876California, U.S.A. |
I would ask my doctor about the depression and I'm assuming it could be because you seem to be afraid to totally commit? It also could just be PMS or somthing so totally normal. Love is blind so they say. Huggs Kim |
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jody5 Senior Member
since 2005-12-21
Posts 876California, U.S.A. |
I seem to have all the answers for everyone except myself. I am disabled and I do my hardest to help those in my therapy group. I work hard to stay posative and remember all the things I learned in recovery. My biggest problem that I don't know how to cope with is my issues on love. I can't say no to people and it's costing me lots of money. MY daughter is allways asking me for cash, but when I ask her for somthing of value to her she won't give it to me. What do I ask her for? her time 1 to 3 hours of her time a week. I take care of myself. I just need a ride to get groceries sometimes and I just want to visit with her. Do you think I am asking to much? She is 20 works, goes to school and is supporting her father who is ill. I don't want to cut her off just because my feelings and self esteme are hurt. |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
sweetie~ just want to know how your doing, let us know if things have gotten better, I hope so. winged ~hugs~  floating your wayTracie Love is the life of the soul... |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Hi all, thanks for the replies and the advice I went out and played with my horse in the sunshine the other day and that brought everything into perspective... sort of. Chemistry, amazingly enough, was clear on Friday, though I'm starting a new module tomorrow so we'll see what happens next. As for him, I'm going to stick it out a little longer and see what happens. We've reached a point where we can actually talk about our issues instead of just hoping they'll go away, so I don't know what will happen in the future, but I do have my eyes wide open this time around. I'm still very up and down, I'm going to give that another couple of weeks to see if female issues have anything to do with it, but if I don't feel any better by the end of February I'm going to go see my doctor. In the meantime I'm going to try and take advantage of every sunny day we have and try to ignore Feb 14th. I'm considering buying a slingshot to pelt the people who insist on snogging in public with little rocks. One of my closest friends is getting married, and I'm her Maid of Honour; I'm overly happy for her (aside from the fact that the guy she's marrying is a creep), but I can't help wondering (when I'm alone of course, I don't want to ruin this for her) when it's going to be my turn. Ah well, c'est la vie (see, there's another mood swing) right? I'll live; the only thing about my mental state that's overly worrying for me is that I've been giving serious consideration to going back to not telling anyone anything because it's easier than having to explain what I'm feeling and then feeling bad about feeling the way that I do. Thank you for all your emails, I haven't gotten a chance yet to reply to them, but I will in the next few days. and then He created the horse... |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Hey, You're a big girl. You don't owe explanations. However, I hope it matters that we care. And I'm there for you anytime. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
You are too young to be worrying about when it will be your turn...finish your studies...get your career going then think about it if you are still involved..otherwise your time will come~~ hugs M |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Email me, girl.  ~Daniti |
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