In your dreams
I guess I am not sure if I could appropriatly express my fealings. I wish he would dissapear. I swear I have fealings for him, but every time I get enough over him, he comes back. I am already weak in my heart from severall things, but this is what really gets me. I keep falling for him again each time. It is to say stupid and I hate my self for it. Yesturday in class I saw he had some hichkies and have to say I was some what relieved. I at first thought I was free, but now I realized it is really relief from the guilt. Maybe he has some one else to worry about.
I hope that he forgets about me. It sounds wierd, but
it is the first time in my life were I want to not exist in his memories for my own sanity. I have so much I want to do in my life, and I just am glad that I may be finally getting over him. You see It is the enormous guilt I feel for what I put him through that kills me. It is getting better, but I still see him every day. everytime I am remeinded what I did. I just hope he understands one day that it was all me and not him. It is kind of because of him that I still won't get in to a relationship, because I am afraid that I am still haunted by demons that dwell in my heart. I am afraid that some one will have to go through what he did.
So I end up pushing guys away... Because I am deathly afraid that I will be hurt or abused. I gues that I am human, but The more I heal from my past the more it seems to get me. I gues what happened was that he came like a knight in shinning armor only to find I was a wee bit over his head.
I have to go to class now,
I will continue perhapps tomarrow.
Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic
The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;