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Am I weak? I need advice, imput appreciated.
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Am I weak? I need advice, imput appreciated. |
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Kellie_Cantrell Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667New York 
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Am I weak because I give in. I paint the targets I wear on my back, and stand still and wait for her to stab me in it. Bullseye everytime. Am I weak? 10 years of friendship. Should one Mistake ruin it all? One Phone call that turned into a nightmare, and the only fault was not really hers, she only dialed the phone, and then invited him over. He did the damage, but am I weak by taking out the pain on her. By refusing to be her friend, to run. Then the times are tough for her too, her boyfriend knocked her up and left her, now she has a baby due... and out of this love I have for her, I hold on: I help her out, I visit her, but everytime I see her, I remember what he did, and I have an inward hate toward her. I forgive her, but am I weak in doing so. Am I wrong to forgive? I don't really know for a fact what I think and I am so lost and confused. I am sick of these therapy sessions, I thought it was supposed to get easier... I just want to move on ya know. I know hating her is wrong, but why do I feel so hating towards her? IS it part of the healing process, anger.. is there a simple answer? I assume it will be [X] pain [x] anger [ ] forgiveness [ ] healing So I guess I am currently on the anger level and I just need to get onto the forgiveness step and then maybe I will be closer to healing. I feel so lost and helpless, but I know that there is a brightside I just need help finding it. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
something's missing here...why should you hate her for something she has allowed to happen to herself... whether a mistake or not A friend is a friend...with no excuses What are you not saying here that makes you so angry for the position in life she has made for herself? And why does she need your forgiveness... |
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bslicker 
since 2000-12-04
Posts 2321state of mind |
agree Now is when she needs a friend. bernie  A smile a day keeps the world in smile's. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Kellie....To forgive is never a mistake...it is healing to you.  |
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Kellie_Cantrell Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667New York |
Here's how that particular day went. I drove 2 hours to hang out with her because she was devasted to find out she was pregnant and have her boyfriend dump her. She called a party line and invited 4 stange men into her apartment, while i was there to spend the night. 3 of them went into the bedroom with her, and I grabbed my keys and purse and went to leave.. when I turned toward the door I was grabbed by the last man and thrown to the ground and raped. I left and since then have struggled with blaming myself for going to her house, and her for calling them and him for his actions. I am lost at figuring this out, but I want to sort it all out and for the numb feeling to go away. I love her to pieces she's been a great friend, but she has not once even asked if I was okay. I know that she couldn't have known that he was going to do what he did. But I feel like she had some part in it becuase she invited them over. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
first did you report the rape... second this changes the whole situation and I am not sure she is/was YOUR friend at all... I would have not let those strangers in... I am not sure I would have even stayed there knowing about the phone call(if I knew) and I would have called someone for help for her...and protected myself. But I was not there and still don't know the full story in sequence but you need to take care of yourself first now and not worry about her...if she has family contact them and let them handle her and the situation. You need to seek help for yourself...and not worry about her healing or even forgiveness...your needs come first here. hugging you M |
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Kellie_Cantrell Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667New York |
Yes, I reported the rape, and we are working to find the person. I knew she was on the phone but I didn't know they were coming over. She left the front door unlocked for them, and didn't say a word to me about it. I didn't know they were coming and we were in her room watching movie and we had the door closed because it was cold, she asked me to go get her something to drink and when I opened the door there were 4 men standing in her living room, thats when it all went down, 3 went in her room and I tried to make my escape, I did everything I could too leave but he was a little bit stronger than I. I'm in counseling and its helping a lot. I just needed a fresh perspective because I am torn with how to be her friend. Thanks M for the support. I've had that thought, and I've written a couple poems about her stabbing me in the back and not ever being my friend, but I can't erase 10 years of friendship over one mistake, but when I think about it, its not like she raped me, he did and I feel quilty trying to blame her, because if it was her fault then it was equally my fault. If you opened up my head and could see all the things that are running around inside you'd probably understand the mayhem and the confusion and why I can't sort this all out but I know that over time, I will heal and God has my back, and he isn't going to take a stab at it either. |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
This may sound horrible, but ten years of friendship shouldn't keep you from protecting yourself. I am concerned at what I hear... I think I would bring a guy friend with you if you were to meet with her again and I would stay away from her apartment, until YOU KNOW you can trust her. You have a right to protect your self. Be her friend, but be your friend as well. -Juju Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
"but ten years of friendship shouldn't keep you from protecting yourself. " I agree with Juju... and that you don't owe her anything at the moment...not guilt for sure..and forgiveness? Your friendship is all the forgiveness she needs. But you probably should stay away from her (in person) until she straightens herself out. She is a danger not only to herself but to you also...for now Stay in therapy...we can't really understand enough to help you with what goes through your mind...we can only be here to respond to your poetry and listen, but we(I) are (am) not the experts. Take care, M |
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A Romantic Heart Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-03
Posts 5496Forever In Your Heart |
Forgiveness is for yourself Kelly, holding on to all of this is not good for you, you are holding on to anger, hate, it is makeing your life miserable.It is a big weight that you are carrying around.(I was in this place once) Your friend may be ashamed for her actions, this is only my guess as to why she has not brought up the subject. Deep down I think she knows how you feel and doesn't know how to talk to you about it or maybe is afraid of the anger she will get from you. If your approach to her is geniune and soft, tears will flow and healing should take place, talk it out with her, get this off both of your chests.This could make your relationship better than before, closer. The past is the past it is gone, there is nothing we can do to go back to fix it to make it better, we only have today.Trials will come in life, to grow us, to help us become a better person, to teach us. It isn't the trial istself, but how we handle the situation, how we react to it, what we do with it, that is the test. That is part of what we will be judged on, when we get to heaven. Think of all the good times, you both are missing out on with eachother. A friend of ten years, alot there to just throw away. All that happened was bad, I hate that you had to go through that. Take what happend to you and use it to help other women who need to talk about this to someone who understands, and the only people who can understand is someone who has been there. But only when you are ready to share and tell it, and I think you are, you did a bold thing by posting this , and that is a good step.A step toward healing. I think the healing between the both of you needs to happen first. Sometimes in life, one person has to be the more responsible one, the more wise. The one to take the first step. We all make mistakes that hurt others, we are all human and will continue to make mistakes,(Jesus even states while dying on the cross "FATHER FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO") but we must learn from them, grow and gain something good from all the pain, turn it around to use for the good, for yourself and others. I heard one of my friends talk about his best friend and how they had been friends for years, they got into a bad arguement, and he left his house, the next hour or so, he received a phone call that his friend had been killed in an auto accident. To this day he regrets not driving back to say I am sorry, it was stupid what we were argueing about. He said there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't think "What If". Don't let this been your "What If", Christmas is a good time to do it, a New Year, New hope, New You. Romans 8:28 All things work together for the good, to those who love the lord. Pray, ask God to first forgive you for feelings of hate, and then pray that he will help your friend to listen with an open heart and mind. Pray for the words to come to say, for peace and love to heal you, and your friendship. God will never forsake you nor leave you, he loves you, wants you to be happy and blessed. satan wants you to go around being angry, he wants to steal your joy, and he has been, you have been allowing him to steal all the goodness that you could be sharing in you. he wants you to have a chip on your shoulder, to be mad at the world, well,...throw it back in his face, Love covers a multitude of sins, love is in all , and above all, Love is the greatest of these. LOVe is from God... anger and hate is from satan... who are you allowing to control you? your thoughts? your actions? Pray and listen to hear Gods voice, he will guide you and lead you step by step, follow him and all this will be behind you. Also When others see Gods love in us an projecting outward to them, they come to see God for who he really is. Maybe she isn't saved? maybe you showing the forgiveness will allow her to come to Christ and see real love for the first time. Even if this friendship is not meant to be, you will have made your peace. Your life can move on. You will have done your part, and that is all you can do...forgiveness is the nicest gift of all and alot of people are waiting for this gift at Christmas ...every day of the year. Once this takes place, the floodgates will open for you, the burden will be lifted and all the other things in your life that have went wrong, you will want to correct them and make them right as well. YOU Kelly have the power, it is in your heart, Your gift of forgiveness can change lives...lives all around you, God has given you his forgiveness, when you have asked, and you freely received, why should it be so hard for you to do the same for her? (How can I ask God to forgive me, when I am not willing to forgive others?) I can feel your hurt, I know you are hurting, and wanting answers, a solution, you have ran in circles trying to get rid of it, to feel better. Don't blame yourself, Life happens, satan wants you to blame yourself, he loves to get you depressed.You know why? then you can't be the loving person you are to yourself and every life that you touch. You are not weak Kelly, you just love, and love is never a weakness, but a strength. Love binds, and makes things stronger. You are not wrong for loving and giving, don't let satan tell yourself that. You were right to try to help her, seems to me she needs all the help she can get. You are gifted to being the wiser one. When we take risks to love and give, sometimes it hurts, love is a sacrifice. But the rewards are greater. When you see her, change your thoughts, be strong in them, Pray and ask God to clear your mind of these thoughts you have when looking at her, think of good things, there is a scripture in the bible that tells us to only speak and think about good things, think of the good times she was your friend, a time she forgave you, a time she helped you out. Love and giving is beautiful, forgiveness has the word "give"... forgiveness is never wrong. I will pray for you, I wish you peace, joy, happiness, most of all I wish you love~All the love you gave is coming back to you now... See I am using a bad thing that happened in my life to the good, to help you, and it helps me to help you. If I was there, I would hug you both and pray with you. But this is the best I can do... Hugs I send, Gods love be with you! I love You! ~ARH "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take - but by the moments that take our breath away." [This message has been edited by A Romantic Heart (11-13-2005 06:58 AM).] |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
Oh, Kellie, how my heart goes out to you. I, too, will pray for your guidance and wellbeing. You've been violated in the worst possible way. I can only try to imagine the trauma this must bring. Romantic certainly is right about God's love for you and wanting you to heal and have peace. ((((Warm hugs))))and may God richly bless you. Rae |
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