Saluting with misty eyes
Well... this is a strange course of events....
Today (well, officially yesterday) is the 12th anniversary of my wedding to my kid's mother... and I am sitting here alone actually thinking about it. Even though we are no longer together, and have absolutely no plans or desire to reunite, I still look out the window and realize that I am sitting in the dark thinking about her, and all that goes with it.
When most people consider the day they got married to their ex, the phrases "Worst day of my life" or "the day my life got ruined" usually follow, yet I cannot think that way. I actually, DON'T think that way. The day I got married, I was madly, passionately, hopelessly in love with my wife. I am no longer IN love with her, however I still love her. She is the reason I have both of my children, and that can never be a bad thing. How is it possible to hate someone that presented you with the things that you love most in the entire world? And how can you regret being given those things?
Because of recent events in my life, and in the lives of those around me, I have spent quite a few hours thinking of my life in the past few years, and especially about what went wrong with her, and why the friendship turned into hate, and then eventually (on my part) forgiveness. All of my thought sessions eventually turn into the question: Would I take her back if given the opportunity? Very easy answer is ,"I don't know, however I doubt it." The more realiztic answer is "I don't know, however I don't know."
I can just hear my friends screaming at me "What in the (choose your favorite word for this spot) are you thinking... please don't tell me you are seriously thinking of getting back together with her..."
NO I have absoutely no plans to go back and re-live that portion of my lilfe. I have, however, thought that maybe I shouldn't slam the door on that possibility at some point in the VERY distant future. I have friends that it has happened to, and it seems that every so often when I call to talk to my kids, she gets on and we talk for almost 10 minutes before she gives me the kids, and it is becoming increasingly civil and (almost) friendly... we even had a laugh at one point. Now, I am not stupid or pathetic enough to think that means she is in love with me or that she is willing to give it another go... and at this point, I am not willing. It's not a case of Once Bitten... It is a case of there is too much hurt, and anger on both sides, and too many words that need to be explained or taken back. There are too many things we've each done that need to be explained or apologized for... and we are not close enough to that stage of communication, yet.
Besides.. I am having wayyyyy too much fun with my social life being the way that it is at the moment. (that is another thread unto itself)
Actually, I would like to get to the stage with my ex that we are able to go out and do things with the kids together... as friends, not as a family,. Things such as taking them shopping for school clothes, or going to the kid's school functions without having to sit on opposite sides of the room. Hell... I would simply like to be able to see my kids on ANY holiday without being told I am intruding on "family" time. I am saving to get my kids to Washington, DC this summer next (which I have promised them for yerars) and I know that she wanted to go at one point.... I actually wouldn't mind her tagging along if she asked, (separate rooms, of course... the girls in one, the guys in the other) except that I know she wouldn't, and if she did, it would end up in a fight almost immediately and ruin it for my kids.
I guess that is what all of my rambling is leading to... I don't want my life with her back... I just want her back in my llife... not even as friends... just as acquaintances.... So that I can send her flowers for her birthday, and not have it be (and have it seen as) a dig.
The question I have is, I guess: What in the name of Thor's Holy Hammer is going on inside my so called brain? Is this sort of thing even possible? And, why is it happening to me?
Well, that's enough of that... It's kinda hard to convince people you are an... well, the reason for Denis Leary's theme song... when you get all introspective and start rambling about stuff.
Thanks for listening.
When all is said
All is done
Still I live
And carry on-