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Passions in Poetry

On the road to recovery?

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Kaoru
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since 06-07-2003
Posts 3888
where the wild flowers grow


0 posted 08-26-2005 04:58 AM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kaoru


I have escaped the cruel grasp of my now ex-boyfriend, but it happened under bad circumstances.

I know now, unlike when I was younger and in past relationships, where the line is and when it is crossed.

The father of my child and I had a wild fight yesterday morning, and I came to the conclusion that I really should have left a long time coming. When neither of us can control ourselves, it becomes painfully obvious.

I have gone through a whole spectrum of emotions in the past day/night. I cannot sleep for several reasons, one being that I am back home again, and I haven't slept here in a long time.. it's hard because it's hot outside and I have to take care of my daughter all by my lonesome today and I'm exhausted..mentally and physically.

Unfortunately, as much as I did not want to leave where I'd become comfortable, I made the wise choice to act on emergency. My mother drove 3 hours to pick me up and bring me here. I feel very concerned with what my next steps will/should be.

I feel like I have been leading a double life. I am starting to understand why I felt so much confusion and stress...

One part of me was at home all day, loving on and playing with my daughter. But when she went to bed for the night, I would leave the confines of my ex's parents house and go over to my friends house to drink and have fun. I am too old, or too young..I can't decide which.. but as a mother, I should've known better than to do anything like that on a regular basis.

Maybe a big part of me was trying to catch up on lost time, or time I felt I'd never have otherwise. All I know is that despite my other life, I still came forward and owned up to my responsibilities. That's not a valid excuse, though.

On monday I am scheduled to see a therapist, and to determine whether or not I have developed a dependancy to alcohol. I am deeply ashamed at myself for digging this grave, but it is my duty as a mother to make sure I am perfectly ready to do what I must do instead of what I want or feel like I need to do.

I feel somewhat proud in my logical decision even though all the decisions around it were illogical. I know that I love my daughter more than anything in this world and now that I have come home, I can be sure not to do anything horrible like before.

I feel a vast  amount of guilt and sadness for my actions, but I have no clue how else to deal with this other than to talk about it. I hope all goes well...
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


1 posted 08-26-2005 06:59 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


You've taken a big step toward
the rest of your life, Meghan.

And your new wisdom looks good on you.

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 06-19-2003
Posts 13093
SE PA


2 posted 08-26-2005 07:41 AM       View Profile for LeeJ   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LeeJ

you've left me smiling here with a wonderful uge to come hug you...I'm very happy you've come where you are Megs...your giving your daughter the most precious gift a mother could bestow...the best part of you....
together you have hords to teach each other...and you've given us here, a place to say...Bravo!!!!
ctowen
Member Elite
since 10-18-2001
Posts 2287
Green Mountains of VT


3 posted 08-26-2005 08:30 AM       View Profile for ctowen   Email ctowen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ctowen's Home Page   View IP for ctowen

the saying "all good things come to an end" comes to mind,

        all great ones are forever comes to heart .....


                  everything in life can be reached depending on the steps we take.
                       your steps thus far are safe and sound.

CT
Alicat
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since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


4 posted 08-26-2005 10:50 AM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

As I myself have learned recently, there can be no real recovery until you can honestly forgive yourself and let go of the pain, sorrow and guilt.  That's not to say hide or bury the memories.  Learn from them and remember the consequences.  Don't dwell, just mark them and know they will be worse if you return to the originating behavior.  And above all, take Life a day at a time.
Cloud 9
Senior Member
since 11-05-2004
Posts 988
Ca


5 posted 08-26-2005 11:36 AM       View Profile for Cloud 9   Email Cloud 9   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cloud 9

"The father of my child and I had a wild fight yesterday morning, and I came to the conclusion that I really should have left a long time coming. When neither of us can control ourselves, it becomes painfully obvious."

I remember having many of those and one day i just left. It wasn't worth it.

Meg- I read this and cried with such joy that you are making these decisions for not only you, but for your daughter as well.

Ali is SOOOOO right! What he stated is probably the hardest thing I learned out of this and it worked.

good luck to you
Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


6 posted 08-26-2005 03:03 PM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

Meg~

You know my email.....if at anytime you need to talk, drop me an email with your number and I will call!  I promise.  Heck, Leah will chat your ear off about baby stuff!!

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

 
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