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Spring Rain

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Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 10-12-2004
Posts 6334
Waukegan


0 posted 04-26-2005 07:34 PM       View Profile for Huan Yi   Email Huan Yi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Huan Yi


So how does
a divorced mom
get an adolescent son to understand
that she’s sleeping with another man?

Just
curious. . .

Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


1 posted 04-26-2005 08:39 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

Easy, though I really don't understand the title of this post in relation with the content.  Tact and open communication, and confrontations when needed.

I've been with my 11 year divorced SO for 5 years, and when I got here, she had a preteen, a teen, and a high school graduate.  Yes, there was friction, there were trials and tribulations, but we've continued through discourse, yelling matches, mutual respect, and lots of love.  Doesn't mean I always like them, but I deeply love them.
Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 10-12-2004
Posts 6334
Waukegan


2 posted 04-27-2005 06:02 PM       View Profile for Huan Yi   Email Huan Yi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Huan Yi

Alicat,


I really don't think it's that easy,
nor that either of us are capable
of providing an answer.

John

P.S. Spring Rain refers to something
I did under the same title on 35.
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


3 posted 04-27-2005 09:04 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

So how does
a divorced mom
get an adolescent son to understand
that she’s sleeping with another man?


and why does she have to...why not just tell him she is dating someone she cares about...obviously he knows his parents  don't live together, and that she is free to date again. Some things need not be discussed..nor need to be done "in front of him"
Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


4 posted 04-27-2005 09:07 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

It is that easy, John.  The methods I stated are the same ones we used here.  Granted, it takes honesty, integrity, and strength of character, and I know that not all have those abilities.  It does make life hard in the short term, but worthwhile in the long term.
LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-08-2000
Posts 5015


5 posted 04-27-2005 09:51 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

Yeah, sex itself doesn't have to be discussed, just saying that mom is dating should be enough. It will be a challenge, definently. Good luck

Love's a lovely lad
His bringing up is beauty
Who loves him not is mad
For I must pay him duty
-Anonymous

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 10-12-2004
Posts 6334
Waukegan


6 posted 04-27-2005 09:56 PM       View Profile for Huan Yi   Email Huan Yi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Huan Yi

Alicat,

Without looking for it,
I was made aware, through friends: of two attempted suicides,
deliberate violent destructive behavior
including the breaking of windows and furniture
and routine putting out lit cigarettes on the living room carpet,

criminal activity,
psychiatric incidents . . .

I was told by a woman, a friend,
never to get involved with a woman with children
because it would destroy me,
she speaking from watching how her children
made her second husband’s life a misery.

There are other stories, but there’s no need to tell them . . .

In truth, I have never heard of a happy ending before you . . .

It may make no sense, I grant you;
a father can be a alcoholic  jerk, who spends what active hours he chooses
drunkenly losing jobs, wrecking just purchased vehicles, and sleeping around,
and yet he will have done nothing comparable in the son’s mind
to his mother having interest, much less anything else, in another man.  

This is not an attractive prospect.

So I am curious;  how does a mother defuse such possibilities,
(for I believe the “other man” has little influence in a good outcome),
before they bear bad fruit?


John

P.S.  Since I’ve been brought into the memory:
once I came back from a long scuba dive alone.
There on shore was a man and a boy.  They were each excited
to see me.  The man related how they had together dove a site
nearby referring to the boy as his “step son”, (a term I am
sure was insisted upon), who he was about to take shopping
for his first car.  The boy, no more than sixteen, competed
with his step father for my attention, all the while nonchalantly
smoking a cigarette, in a manner clearly contemptuous
as if to say: “This beside me is nothing more than the "man"
that’s screwing my mother.”


nakdthoughts,

A five year old may think his mother is no more
than holding hands; a fifteen year old has a different vision.




[This message has been edited by Huan Yi (04-27-2005 10:43 PM).]

Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


7 posted 04-27-2005 10:09 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

Actually, my SO did have such a loser before me, and after her exhusband who was also of that type.  The psychological damage her ex-boyfriend did to the kids, being overbearing, disrespectful, lazy to the extreme, and verbally abusive, well, lets just say I'd love to see him again with a pool stick, since I know he has very bad knees, and the kids were very young at the time.  And I'm not naive enough to think that all guys out there are good men.  True, sexual relations should not be discussed.  That's just not a topic for discussion, period.  However, how that person fits into the mother's life, fits into the kids' life, fits into the family's life, that should be discussed, fully and frequently.
LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 06-19-2003
Posts 13093
SE PA


8 posted 05-17-2005 01:18 PM       View Profile for LeeJ   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LeeJ

I agree with Alicat, through experience, my son, was mildly jealous of his step-father (now my ex), but as time went on, they both learned to love and greatly respect each other. Adding, my ex had words to say about everyone, but never ever anything but respect for my son and they shared a great many quality times together, without mom. (smiles) Matter of fact, when we split, my son was hurting a great deal.

Maybe I was lucky, but really and truly believe, it is all in how the child is raised which dictates his actions...also believe, that only so much should be owed to the child in explaination, depending on his/her age, as that child has to understand, you are still the adult/parent.

I love children, and children would never stop me from persuing a possible future with their father, unless, there were problems...and I dated a man, who seemed very nice, but his daughter was extremely co-dependant, and taking meds for depression, etc...couldn't hold a job and was soon to move in with her father.  She was 19 years old and he and I only had 3 dates...never told him it was b/c she was moving in, or she was a problem I just couldn't or wouldn't want to deal with. Perhaps I should have?

But if I met a man, with well behaved children, and we were in love, you can bet your sweet bipi, I'd jump at the chance to have children in my life again...yes indeedy!


This beside me is nothing more than the "man"
that’s screwing my mother.”
that sickens me...that the "child" would have so little respect...how utterly insulting, not to mention, I have to ask, where in the world did that attitude come from?  

When you date someone, before you become intimate, you should look at their children, watch them, and view how they talk to their parents, how they behave, and the same with the person your interested in, how do they address their parents?  With respect and great admiration, or with little disrespect...to me that would speak volumns about any relationship I might be considering.

youcan'tseeme
Member
since 01-30-2004
Posts 88


9 posted 05-21-2005 10:48 PM       View Profile for youcan'tseeme   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for youcan'tseeme

I, posting from the child's perspective, think that the words do not need to be spoken so blatently. If a parent and a partener have been in a long relationship, then I think the teenager can assume what that relationship includes. If you feel like the son needs to be told what you're doing out loud, then the mother should be close enough to be able to tell him. Otherwise, kids aren't dumb, and either they assume that it is going on, or they live oblivious to it (which I don't think would cause any harm).
 
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