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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697
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This will be long.. I need a vent... Most of you don't know that I am clinically depressed. I am also a cutter, and attemped suicide in early March. Most people didn't know about any of that until then, and still, most people don't know.. just my family and a few more friends. I'm in therapy, taking medication, and I'm cutting a lot less and progressing well in general. But I feel so guilty.. beacuse I'm so mad... I know this sounds really whiny and immature, but I don't deserve this. I will have this disease for the rest of my life. I will always tend to think negatively about myself and situations because my brain is basically screwed up. I don't know why God would do this to me. It's not just the chemical imbalance.. my parents verbally abused me, and every man i've been with, except the one i'm with now, has cheated on me and treated me very badly. I know I contribute to my depression too, but I don't understand why I have to have such an illness. I told this to my best friend, and she said that this is my trial, just like if someone got attacked on the street and was scared for a long time.. but I told her that while such an attack would have a lasting impact, I was different. It's as if I will be attacked every day of my life, because I have a disease that will not go away.. it's so subtle too.. when people have a physical disease, they know they feel bad because of the disease. Since I have a mental disease, I never know if what I feel at any moment in any point of my life is justified or not. And now I"m feeling worse... because I'm basically a brat.. but i can't help feeling that this is so unfair. Love's a lovely lad |
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| © Copyright 2005 Erica N. - All Rights Reserved | |||
Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
Awww sweetie, you are feeling overwhelmed right now. You are angry at yourself and the infliction you are dealing with. Stay with therapy and give it time. I am in therapy and on meds for depression and panic disorder which I was hospitalized back in 2002 for. I have had panic attacks since 1971, and probably will have to deal with them and depression for the rest of my life. No one ever said that life is fair. We just have to make the best of it. Otherwise suddenly our time is up and we really don't want to leave. Be patient with your progress and if you don't think your therapist is helping/listening, then get another. Write your pain out. There are many, many understanding and caring people here. Live in the moment and just breathe. Hugs, Chris |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Thanks..I wasn't angry or particularly upset when I wrote this. My therepy is going well. What I think about being angry and stuff is very calculated, it's not just 'in the moment' thought, I've thought it for awhile now.. thats what makes it so bad. Good luck with your progress  Love's a lovely lad |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Erica, sweetie, (((HUGS))) Life brings its own particular burdens and crosses to everyone. My advice for feeling better about it is to accept it as from the hand of the Lord as part of His greater overall plan. I believe He does have a purpose in all things, even though sometimes we can't see it at the moment. Keep looking into His face, particularly in those darkest moments. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Erica, as Denise said, there's an overall plan. Being open and honest with your self, knowing and trying to understand the particular problems you have, and communicating them to others is a HUGE step. Also, you will someday be able to help others that are going through the exact same thing YOU are going through. Recognizing those traits will be a huge help to not only you, but the ones who will someday turn to you and say, "I sure as hell don't know what's wrong with that child..." and inherently, you will know...because you WERE that child. Focus as much as you can [as you are now] on the positives, know when it's safe to talk [as you have here] and realize that yes, you CAN deal with it. In the meantime...  help.  |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
You know what? Your young. It could be hormones too. Something that helped me to get out of my depression/s is just not to dwell on it and concentrate on other things. If the docters say it is chemical imbalence, try changing your diet. I had a friend that started having more vegatables in the diet in how it helped. If your not getting enough of something that could be a problem to. I am sorry you are hurting. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
LoveBug, Well I confess that I have experienced depression, but not like that. So I cannot claim to understand. Just like many people may not understand what it is like to lose a child. However little it helps I must confess to admiring your courage and candor. AND to loving your writing. I pray you experience peace and maintain your courage remembering you do have friends who care. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
Life is unfair, and people to can be unfair, but our own worst enemy is ourselves...we are untrue to us...it's ok to be disappointed, and your not a brat, but angry with the situations and issues at hand...but cha know, it took courage to write this, and that courage will give you new strength each day....and there are people who care, so, if and when these feelings get you down, just post, and I'd be willing to bet, there will be many here who will come to you, with no expectation, other then to say, hi hon, I care...and give you a great tender mercy, in their words, their hope and prayers for you. We are all cutters, actually, just in different ways, but everyone sabatoges themselves, with choices, etc...but then, there are those really great times, those moments given to us, to look back on as testimony of the goodness in people and in life...and those moments become our grace...so that we begin to notice, that each and everyone of us, are indeed blessed in very unusual and rewarding ways. Hugs to you |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
"Otherwise" by Jane Kenyon Publisher: Graywolf Press ISBN 1555972667 |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Thanks for all of your replies. I read them when I am feeling down.. I guess I just feel guilty because yes, I know God has His plan, but I just kind of.. I don't know, It's not that I don't care, but I just think of how people who do horrible things get off scot free, and I haven't done anything to deserve this disease, thats all. I guess everyone with a life changing disease like mine thinks like that, but I still feel crummy about doing so. I can't really talk to God much, but I hope He knows I still love Him. Thanks, all. Love's a lovely lad |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
My heart aches for you. I remember hearing, 'NORMAL' is only a setting on a dryer. Each carries a cross (trials in life) that we'd prefer to rid ourselves of, but my mom used to say, if we'd all throw them in a heap, then had to go back for one, we'd search for our own, fearing another would be worse. I'm certainly not making light of your problem. Paul said he asked to be relieved of his thorn, but understood it existed to keep him close to Christ. You are very brave and honest to have written your feelings so well. I need to take a lesson from you in this catagory as I've never been able to while in the midst of my problems. After they've passed, it seems so easy, but I know doing this as you have is a huge step in overcoming. God bless you. You are indeed a chosen one. Rae |
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