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Something i need to get over, and think i should let out.

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kissa~rachelle
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since 11-27-2003
Posts 991
nowhere special


0 posted 03-15-2004 11:40 PM       View Profile for kissa~rachelle   Email kissa~rachelle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kissa~rachelle

***I just have something i feel like getting off of my chest.***

I am in the eighth grade. The summer b4 my 7th grade year i went to live with my Father, in hopes we'd get closer. Stupid idea now that i look back on it really. Basically i was used as a babysitter for my step mother. She had had a baby that summer, June 26th, plus my half brother, and half sister, 7 and 4. I baby sat every day alomost. I love my brothers and sisters, but i was pretty much their mother half of the time. For me there was NO SUCH thing as a sociall life really. I fed cody, the baby. I put him to sleep alot, and i cooked dinner too. When cody cried, i held him and rocked him till he stopped. I had no weekends, and forget about after shcool. My step mom told me i was getting paid 2 bucks an hour, and to keep track of it, and she'd pay me.
( total of $450.00 ) not counting money she borrowed from me from my Christmas money, and stuff. Anyways, I went home 4 spring break to visit my mom, and even though i had to babysit all the time i still liked it there because i was close to family, and i had more friends than i would have had here. So i was planning on going back to live with my dad. Eversince i was little, my Mother and Father fought. My mother remarried soon after my father and her split. ( my father had cheated on her.) My father never really wanted anything to do with me at first. Until he got married again. He wasnt there for anything. Not when i was born, and not for about 2 or 3 years after. He has never really paid child supprt, which doesnt really matter to me. He still doesnt spend time with me, even when i lived with him he didnt. We look a lot alike, but thats about all we have in common. Atleast that i know of, i havent ever really gotten to know him at all. We have about the same temper too i guess. I saw that part of him enough to know that. I havent seen him since last spring break, well b4 that anyways. They didnt call on my birthday this last summer, or christmas, or thanksgiving or anything. What happened was, last spring break, my father and step mother, REFUSED to come pick me up. They said that i didnt really wanna come back, and didnt beleive that i wanted to. When i said yea i did, they said they couldnt come pick me up. My mom got mad, and started yelling at them cause i was upset that they were doin that. My father got on the phone later with my mom, and my mom told him that Crystal ( stepmom) owed me $450 and he said i was lying through my teeth about that, and that my mom was a < edit >. I hate that word. I wanted to slap him for saying it. If i would have been in reach of him i dont know what i would have done. I hated him for a long tome, and i did a lot of things because i wanted to hurt him, like he hurt me. I got into drugs, i started smoking, i went to parties, my grades started dropping. My world fell apart. I am still trying to get everything back together. I have been grounded for the last three months, and i havent told anyone except one persone about all that. I havent really been able to talk about it. I know it sounds stupid to feel that way cuz of that, but i REALLY and TRULY hated him for a long time. At first i wanted to please him, so he would love me still, but then i just hated him, and wanted to hurt him, a part of me still does. On Fathers day, I went down to surprise him for fathers day, and he wasnt there. I think thats when i started hating him more. I dont know why. I dont really care anymore. It still hurts when i think about it, so i try not to think about it at all.

***Anyone that actually sat and read that whole thing, first, i applaud, and second,  i would really appreciate comments, or something***

~Vampire Kisses

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

[This message has been edited by Poet deVine (03-16-2004 04:03 AM).]

skyshine
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since 02-07-2002
Posts 3337
Beneath the northern stars


1 posted 03-16-2004 12:27 AM       View Profile for skyshine   Email skyshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit skyshine's Home Page   View IP for skyshine

I read it. and I just wanted to let you know that I did. I'll think on it some more and try to come up with some advice for you. take care hun. *hugs*

~sky

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know....
~Good Charlotte

muted
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since 01-15-2004
Posts 3021
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving


2 posted 03-16-2004 01:53 AM       View Profile for muted   Email muted   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for muted

oh dear girl, i read through this not knowing if my words to you will help or harm.

we ALL seek our parents acknowledgement and love, no matter how horrible that parent may behave. the beginnings of our self esteem start right in the home where our parents (or guardians) are all that exist to us. To believe that even a parent "doesnt love the child"...then how could that child believe that a stranger would love them...this leads to problems with trusting people and with making true friends...

Life can be incredibly difficult, especially when you are under the care of someone you think is acting out of indiferrence for your well being.

You may find solace in other young people who are on the internet, sharing "war" stories, and jaded jokes...you may find some degree of solace in that, but, it is no answer to your problem.

there is no easy way to solve what you feel or what you are going through, and if you want serious positive changes in your life, then you need to get serious and you need to get positive right now.

this is the way to do it.... look at yourself in the mirror, directly eye to eye, and tell yourself that today you will make a difference in your own life. Tell yourself that regardless of the failings of your parents, you are NOT a failure. Tell yourself everyday...because you'll find out when you are older why it is important to believe you can achieve even when "your cards are down".

If your parents do something upseting, try to talk to them calmly about it, but, if they are not receptive...do not get angry and start arguing...because its a lost cause, trust me. A parent that is willing to argue with a child is not thinking clearly. Children need to be guided and shown how to behave "by example"....an adult that argues to someone who is not yet fully emotionally mature is not setting a good example. In my home i do not argue with my son, he is allowed to voice his opinion no matter what it is, but he must be respectful and somewhat tactful. and he knows, that in the end, what i say is law in this home (but he has tremendous respect for me, and i have tremendous respect for  him, and he is younger than you).

You cannot change your parents, the ONLY person you can change is yourself. There are many organizations out there whose sole purpose is to counsel young people (for no cost). You have a network of teachers and school administrators as well as members of the community who always help (churches help you even if you dont go to church).

No one wants to see a young person who feels lost...many hands will take the place of the hand your father will not extend...you exist because of him and your mother, but you do not have to exist FOR them, you are you, do it for yourself....

the years will pass my dear, and wisdom comes in some of the harshest ways, but, this is a first step in many that will teach you how to walk the path safely.

you email me if you would like
take care of yourself
Greeneyes
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Member Patricius
since 09-09-2000
Posts 10848
In Your Poetic Mind


3 posted 03-16-2004 01:58 AM       View Profile for Greeneyes   Email Greeneyes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Greeneyes

right now I can only hug you.....I will come back....I feel for you....I really do....

~~**~~
Walking with bare feet
among a tapestry of words,
each woven thread, awakening the soul
~~**~~

 
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