"I don't feel I can communicate with the people I really need to communicate with"
I felt that too. It sucks. I remember one time I was driving and it was like my own soul screamed out in my mind - I just want someone to love me!
I thought that thought a hundred thousand times through highschool, and earlier.
All I can say is you have feelings for a reason, your stomach growls when its hungry, your feelings point out when something is out of whack.
You have a gift to write, you are a unique person - you are awesome.
"But I really want her to know the real me"
Kids scare (edit) parents, and it steals communication. My mom never did know me, because she couldn't communicate with me, and I totally shut her out, all the while wishing for acceptance and love.
This is what I think - emotions are good, but they should make a person sit down and think, why am I feeling this, what is my problem, and then try to solve the problem. However, lies can make us feel certain emotions that lead to destructive habits or actions. Lies like you suck, you worthless idiot, nothing good will ever happen to you, no one loves you, no one will ever love you. And when there's a lie floating through the headspace, a person can say no and tell themselves the truth. Anyway, that's what I've had to do, because as much as I felt unloved, ugly and rejected, I wasn't. Maybe to some degree, but I had to just recognize it was only some people who thought that. And I had to learn to like myself and not let everyone else tell me what I was, I could decide for myself who I was. And I'm a writer,(along with some other things) just like you - and writers are awesome people!
Just another note, I bought into a lot of negativity, namely some occult stuff; it contributed to some really bad stuff, scary, powerful stuff - I had to leave that behind.
[This message has been edited by Nan (03-08-2004 08:07 PM).]