Inside the shadow's shadow
Okay...I'm a little skittish about doing this, and, honestly, praying to the spirits that this is just completely ignored...I'd never do this...put myself out like this...stripping myself of all my guards...and just...put in position of being completely bare-butt naked...metaphorically speaking, of course.
I don't know if I'll even have the guts to even go through with this whole post...I just...am bursting to talk this out...to GET IT OUT...and everyone on my messenger is asleep...and the diary site I go to is locked up for the night...and this is driving me NUTS...
so here goes.
I torture myself over the stupidest crap. There are starving children, and all those other things that people try to say to make themselves better. It's like just by MENTIONING it we think we're some kind of special creature among the rest of the humans. Forget DOING anything about it. That's not needed. Just mention it, and it's a clear conscience. -Rolls her eyes- Grrr...im already off track...
He lied to me. And why I bother thinking about it..i have no idea. Why I bother thinking about HIM. I know full well he's not thinking about me.
Why does he always make me feel like the time we've been together means nothing? Am I the only one who thinks that at least SOMETHING should be different after six months, compared to day one? A look in the eye, a different kind of kiss...one that tells of love, and not just...lust? I dunno. Maybe im delusional and nuts.
I know he's not thinking about me, while I sit here and prattle on about him. He would have called. He would have let me know that he was going somewhere. He might've picked his previous plans with me. He would have done SOMETHING.
Why his life revolves around pot, I don't know. I once went that route, more than most would guess, but...i dont know. i dont know. He once told me that I come first. That pot is second...
1. Oooh. What a compliment. I feel sooooo special.
2. He's getting stoned right now, instead of going on that walk with me in the woods that he promised yesterday, is he not?
I don't even know. He does it again and again and again. not always in the same way. It's not ALWAYS about pot. but he lets me down. over and over and over again. my sister keeps telling me to wait...wait for him...that he must be the one...
1. Who's to tell you when the ones the one? You know that in your gut. No one else can tell you that.
2. to wait or not to wait. I've mixed feelings on that. Half of them make me feel selfish...the other half make me feel used.
ive promised myself not to shed tears over this. It's not just tonight. It's built up from every single time he's done something like this. And there are alot of times. So instead today I cried over the fact that I emptied the dishwasher, and then was teased about them being dirty; thatd id just piled up dirty dishes ontop of clean ones. They were joking...but i didnt know it until after id shed the first tear. They all didn't flow out. probably only five tears, but it was enough to....to....i dont know what.
and now im not taking my sleeping pills, because without them i will stay up the full night, and sleep all day tomorrow. i dont want to face tomorrow. dont want to be let down again. i dont.
the poems of love I write, I quickly jot down as fast as I can, while the feeling is there, by something good he did. before he does something to mess it all up again.
the rest of the good poems i write are not inspired from him. they are inspired by past feelings. feelings that THESE feelings dont even add up to by a longshot.
and now, i have another headache, so im gone.
[This message has been edited by KoKo (10-02-2003 12:13 AM).]