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My inspiration
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My inspiration |
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DbarrM Junior Member
since 2003-08-26
Posts 14 |
People ask me what gives me inspiration for my poems. Let me tell you a story, a long story. After reading this and then going back and reading my poems you will understand. The happy, the dark, the lost and the found. Make sure you grab a drink, this might take a while. Part 1 Back in England, the year was 1995; I was divorced from Karin and had the kids. Being a full time father was a busy job. The girls were my life. When I had to send them back to the states I was devastated. I was so hurt that I went into a deep depression, so bad I almost killed myself. Well after a few months of this my friend Chuck did an intervention and saved me from myself. He got me out of the house and living again. After a few months I started dating again but I would only date people who were leaving soon, on vacation, or only there for a short time. That way I new when the end date was and I would never get hurt again. If I found myself falling for someone who was going to be around for a while I would purposely do something to mess it up. Again I wasn’t going to let myself get hurt. Call it a defense posture, call it what you will but that was what I had to do to protect myself. All was well in my life and I was DJ’ing at the club on weekends. Good job for me in that state. Everyone wanted to hang out with the DJ. (Could you blame them, I rock LOL) Well one really good night when I was up in the booth I saw this girl dancing. I’ve never seen her before and I was mesmerized. The way she moved, the way she looked, It was love at first sight. A friend of mine was up in the booth with me trying to look as cool as I did (Again with the pat myself on the back humor) and I pointed her out to him and said I have to meet her. To my surprise he said he new her, she was on vacation from the states visiting her sister who was a dependent wife. Well he went out on the floor and taped her on the shoulder and told her that the DJ wanted to meet her. She looked over and our eyes met. She thought Ill talk to him, Ill get him to play the songs I want (and she did). Well we hit it off that night and I got her number. The next day I asked her to come out to the club again, I wasn’t working that night. She came out and from that moment we spend the rest of the time she was in England together. She had come over for a month and I had met her on the 3rd day of her visit. She fit the standard. Only over for a short time and I new when the end date was. Knowing all that I let myself live for the day. We became very close in a short time. It was like we were put on this earth to be together. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. When the time her to go came it hurt but I was ok with that. Its what I needed still, the defense was still alive and well in me. Well 3 weeks after she left she came back. She owns her own business so she could come and go like that. This time she was there for a month and a half. All I can say was WOW. Nothing could go wrong with us. I was her soul mate and she was mine. But I started noticing that I was suppressing all the feelings I had for her. Looking back now I see that I was building up the wall of my defense. I loved her so much and she was so perfect for me that I new that if I ever lost her it would just kill me. I started distancing myself from her. Well her second visit was up and she left again. We talked over the phone a lot and sent letters back and forth. We talked about the future and a live together when I left England and the Air Force. This was so easy to do with a ocean between us. But again I never really let the way I felt about her affect me. I keep it locked away, to protect me from the pain. Well a few months later I met Heidi through my DJ boss. We all used to hang out together. Over time Heidi and I became good friends. I would tell her about Melissa and stuff. Melissa never new about Heidi at this time. Well as time went on and Heidi and I got closer she never scared me. I took this a True love and that I was over my Defense mode and she was the one for me. One day out of the blue I called Melissa and told her it was over. I had found someone else. Before I gave her a chance to say a word I hang up. For the next 8 years we never talked again. Heidi and I progressed along and when it came time for me to leave England we decided that we didn’t want to be apart so we decided to get married. Now all this time I had been talking with Teresa, Melissa’s sister. She would tell me that Melissa was totally heart broken over me. How could the two of us, Soul mates not be together? I would just shake my head and tell her to tell her sister to get over it. (What a nice guy I was) Well when Heidi and I got married Teresa and James came to our wedding. Ok side note here on James and Teresa. Teresa met James when Melissa and I were together all the time in England. James being my Boss and good friend. Well Teresa divorced her husband and started dating James. During that time is when they came to my wedding. Ok back to the story. 8 Days after our wedding Melissa came back to England. She tried to get back before the wedding but was just a few days late. She thought that if I saw her before it happened I wouldn’t be able to marry Heidi after seeing her again. She was probably right but we will never know. Heidi and I saw her at the club one night. I looked at her, and I could feel her tears in my eyes. I did nothing. I had locked away all the feelings for her so deep that nothing would let them out. I never saw her again after that night. Heidi and I moved back to the states a few months later and Melissa was gone. Part 2 As time went by Melissa always popped up in my mind. Heidi and I were doing fine but something wasn’t there and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Years past and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I even started looking for her on the internet. I new she used to live in Miami (go figure) but her sister had told me that right before I left England that she had moved to Pennsylvania. So whenever I looked for her I would look for her there. She new I was from Texas so she always looked for me in Texas but I was only there for a short time before we moved to Michigan. When I got the job offer to move to Florida she was the first thing that popped into my head. Could she be back in Miami? It was also on Heidi’s mind. When I got to Florida I tried to look her up but nothing. More time passed and Heidi and I were going nowhere and you know what happened with us. I now know that the reason Heidi never scared me was because I never had the deep feelings for her. She was a good friend and someone I liked to be around but I was never really in love with her. She was always second to Melissa even if I didn’t understand it at the time. Strange thing is that Heidi always new it. At first it hurt when Heidi and I broke up. I guess spending 7 years together you get used to having someone around. But with counseling I soon understood my feelings and know it was for the best. Now for the confusing part. Try to keep up. I had a best friend in England named Heather. Heather and I were never involved in any other way then just friends. She used to date James before James and Teresa met. Well Heather and I have always keep in touch. We take turns calling each other every other month. Well she has always keep in touch with James. After I left England Teresa had to go back to the states so her and James broke up. James ended up marring this British girl Clare. That lasted about a year. Well about a year ago I was talking to Heather and she brought up James. I asked for his number and I gave him a call. When I called him I found out that he and Teresa were back together. She wasn’t home when I called but I’m sure you can figure out what happened. James told her I called and she called Melissa and told her. I also found out from James that for the past 6 years Melissa was still fighting to get over me. She was still in love with me and haven’t been with serious with anyone else. This blew my mind but I played it off by telling James to tell her if he ever talked to her to get over it. And again I’m sure you can figure out that he told Teresa this and she told Melissa. Well guess what, Melissa had moved back to Miami. We lived 16 miles apart for 3 years and never new it. Her number was unlisted and she didn’t even think to look for me in her own backyard. But at the time I called James she had moved to Cape Coral FL. 2.5 hours away on the west coast. After that talk with James I never heard from Melissa. They never told me she lived in Cape Coral, or Miami. I found all this out later. Ill get to that. Well after Heidi and I split up I was talking to Heather and again James came up. She never let go of James in her heart, just like Melissa with me. Well I got James new number and called up again and guess who answered, Teresa. We must of talked for over 3 hours. I told her all about my life with Heidi and what I had learned about my self in the days back in England. She understood, she told me all about Melissa, how she was only in Penn for a short time, how she moved back to FL, and how she moved to Cape Coral. I learned about how the past 7 years of her life were a living hell. How she cried almost every day thinking about me. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t understand how I (yes this is not like me to say) could do that to someone. You see I really don’t have that good of a view of myself. I may play a good game on the outside but its not that great on the inside. I just couldn’t understand how I had made that much of a impact on her life. Remember I had locked away all the feelings I had for her and how she affected me. I still wouldn’t let them affect me. Well after learning all of this we hang up. She didn’t give me her number and I didn’t ask. About a hour later I got on the internet and looked her up. I found her. I sat by the phone for what seems like days (2 hours) before I made the call. It was 11pm and I was scared, didn’t know why at the time but something in me was screaming to come out. Hell I’m crying now just typing this up. The phone rang 2 times and there she was “Hello” hi Melissa this is Dan……… Silence I say do you know who this is……… Again Silence then “Yes but I’m watching a movie with my boyfriend and I don’t want to talk to you” Click. Well at that point I felt numb, but that was ok. I had done this to myself and I had protected myself by locking it all away. Well about an hour later my phone rang, it was her. For the next hour she bitched me out to no end and I love every second of it. She was back in my life and I liked it but didn’t know what to do with it. After that night we talked every day, Our phone bills were crazy. I still had my feelings locked away inside and I told her that she loved the me she new 8 years ago and that we were both different people now. I learned a lot about her life. And a lot about Mike her current boyfriend. He was the first person she really let into her heart after me. She loved him very much but he wasn’t able to give her what she needed and accept everything about her. Now I’m not saying he was a bad guy, He is very nice from what I hear but he doesn’t complete her in all the ways she needs. I didn’t want to be the reason they broke up and I wasn’t. It was going to end anyway. We kept talking and catching up on times past. It was hard for her to deal with the reason I left her the way I did but she still loved me and new that I was still the one for her. I could feel the feelings fighting to escape me but I still wouldn’t let them come out. Then one weekend she came to Miami. I told her that I was taking my daughters to the mall and that I would be at Gameworks with my little one so she could play. Cindy the oldest was with friends going to a movie. Well when I got there she hadn’t shown up yet. I got Kristy her game card and off she went. I was walking around the corner next to the bar and there she was. In one split second when our eyes met I relived all the time we spend together, talking on the phone. All the times I thought about her and wondered how she was. At that moment the wall came down and I was flooded with all the emotions that I had fought so hard to keep at bay. It was overwhelming. At that moment I new what I had done and what I had lost. I was in love with her, always had and always will be. We talked a lot that night and when we kissed my heart melted. From that second I’ve been killing myself inside for what I did to her, to us. Its been 10 weeks from that first phone call and we are more in love with each other then we ever were. Its been a very rough road but its what had to happen to overcome the past and what happened. I think we have both learned a lot about each other and ourselves. I know I’ve learned a lot about love and that there is one special person out there for each of us. We have been lucky enough to find each other. Back then I wasn’t ready to be with her. I was given a second chance to be with her again and nothing is ever going to take her away from me again. I’ve never been happier then I am now. She is my angle from heaven, I let it go once but never again. We still have some rough roads ahead of us but there is nothing we cant overcome. We have a love that most people can never even comprehend. I will never live without her, for without her there is no life in me. This is my story, but this is not the end. But the first chapter is a ever growing book of our life together. I love her, always have, always will. Dan |
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BlackRose New Member
since 2003-08-27
Posts 5 |
That was really touching great write |
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