Never close enough
Ever wanted to be NUMB?
Sometimes, I wish that I were able to NOT FEEL.
Does anyone ever feel this way?
Recently, my father and I had a disagreement that has now lasted nearly a month. For him it is all about total control of his children's lives to the extent of alienating them. I know that he means well when he gives advice or instructs me on every subject from paying bills to raising my children.
I am reminded why I left his house at an early age and married a man that turned out to be everything that I didn't want...
His control was smothering and suffocating the spirit that lived inside. I was 17 then, I am 30 now, and nothing with dad has changed. If he isn't in control of my life, I am a terrible daughter that doesn't love, or respect him enough.
Inside I scream..."I DO LOVE YOU, but LET ME GO!"
He doesn't visit me because he doesn't like the neighborhood that I live in, he doesn't call me much because he says that I should call him.
I am angry, and confused, and sad that he and I can't have a relationship unless I allow him to demean every choice that I make.
Am a terrible daughter for feeling this way?
That is why I wished that I couldn't feel....
If I were numb, then it wouldn't bother me that dad acts as though I don't exsist in his life unless he is calling the shots.
I survived a emotionally devastating marriage, I single mothered it for a while, I plunged into a desperate search for someone to love me and survived the awful reprocussions that looking for love in all the wrong places brought on.
I survived all that,,,but I wonder, will I survive the feelings that dad puts in my heart and soul.
I'm sure that he loves me, but why can't he just say it without making me feel as though I have dissapointed and failed at being his child?
Share your insight please....
*Whatever souls are made of...his and mine are of the same* ~Emily Bronte'