Well here I am again, this seems to be one of my favourite places to be lately... *sigh*
I had a dream about Will last night, and i haven't been able to get him off of my mind all day. I wish that I could go back to feeling nothing and caring about nothing, it was so much easier then... I don't even know why I'm so upset about this now. I didn't cry about his death for a week, then I cried, and then I felt like I was fine. Then I had that stupid dream, and it brought back all the memories of how much I care(d) about him, and I just wish I could indulge in my favourite pasttime, but I currently don't have access to anything to help me out... be that a good thing or a bad, I dont' know. All I know is that I don't want to feel anything, and it's sooo easy sometimes to pretend that I'm not missing anyone, and that I'm ok with not having someone to curl up with when i'm feeling like this. Granted I have my cats, but they drool on me, so I'm not too keen on cuddling with them... and there I go with inserting the humor again, to cover up what I'm really feeling. It's times like this when I really truely don't like myself at all or see the point in anything, but I keep trudging on, hoping that it'll get better soon. It's just one of those things I guess... either I'm too stubborn to give up or I'm a sucker for punishment.
I just want to be a normally functioning member of society.