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In need of support -- please read

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since 04-17-2003
Posts 66

0 posted 05-21-2003 05:39 PM       View Profile for Kamala   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kamala

Well, I'm only a newbie here at Passions, but I've seen how supportive all of you can be; and right now I could use some support.

I have been living with my mom for two years, since she moved back from Costa Rica to the States.  During that time, I've seen her moods go up and down but mostly she's had a consistent underlying depressive tendency.  Last year, thinking that she would feel better once she had a place of her own, I decided to go in on buying a condo with her.

Needless to say, it hasn't helped and she has actually continued to get worse.  I guess it should've been obvious before that nothing material would ever be enough, but I was just trying to do all I could to make her happy.  

Well, I recently (2.5 months ago) started dating someone, and she instantly had issues with him (even though he's phenomenal).  I think it had to do with territoriality and the fact that I wasn't devoting all of my time and energy to her anymore.  In response to her increasing passive aggressivity and general negativity directed at me (us), I decided that it would be best if I moved out.  

[Here I find it necessary to note that I had been talking to her about 'needing my own space' since last Nov. -- way before my current relationship started.]

Anyway, she got really bad after I made the announcement that I want to move.  And even though I had been planning a long process 3-4 months to ease the transition and make sure we would both be financially okay, she completely flipped out last weekend.  She started saying that nobody loves her, that she's completely alone, that I've rejected her.  And WORSTLY, she started talking about killing herself, and she was doing nothing but pacing and crying for half an hour.

I naturally flipped out and called my brother -- a Dr. in NY.  After 10-15 minutes on the phone with her, he agreed that she was in a really bad place and we called 911 to make sure that she would get in to see someone.  

To make that hideous day's story short -- she got EXTREMELY angry at both of us and is now saying that she can't trust my brother or I and that she doesn't know when she will be ready to speak to us again.  And my boyfriend, John, (God bless him) -- who was by my side for the entire ordeal -- will now never be acceptable to her.

I haven't been home in a few days but I can't afford to keep eating out.  I mean, I've only got $20 to last me through the end of May for gas and food.  I'm feeling extremely alone (except for John, though I don't want to make this his problem and I don't want to put pressure on him), extremely poor, and extremely helpless.  Any words of encouragement and support would be appreciated.  As well as any suggestions for what I might do with this situation.

Thank you all so much.

Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada

1 posted 05-21-2003 08:51 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Well Kamala, it sounds like you are in a tough spot and I am sorry about that. I have had a similar experience in my life, although it was with a husband and not a Mother.

First thing you have to do is figure out if this is really a medical problem or malipulation tactics. My ex-husband threaten suicide but was never accually suicidal. It was his way of manipulating me into doing what he wanted me to (after years of abuse and me finally not responding the way he wanted me to).

If this problem is really medical then you have to find a way to get her help. Maybe your brother needs to pay a visit and the two of you ganging up on her.

If this is a matter of control and manipulation you need to stand firm. The condo is your home to and you have to decide what you want to do with that and then STICK TO YOUR GUNS! You have your own life and you need to live it. I know you love your Mother but mothers treat their children like children, even when they are grown up. (believe me I have issues with my Mother as well, from time to time).

As for you immediate can not afford not being home right now, so, you have to go back. You deal with the situation day by day and do the best you can. Try to avoid confrontation and take many deep breaths. I had to live with my ex for a time when things were very uncomfortable (you could cut the tension with a knife). When things get to horrible, go for a walk and scream at the sky. People might think your it is better then releasing your frustration toward your Mother. Stay for as long as it takes to make alternative arrangements. Your Mother loves you and will not stay angry with you forever. When you feel it is the time, you need to work on the relationship.

You have to understand that this is just my OPINION and some ideas. You take them and change them to suit your needs or just throw them away as you will. These are in no way things you should definately do, because every situation is different as well as every person.

I hope this helps in some small way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


[This message has been edited by Marilyn (05-21-2003 08:53 PM).]

since 10-17-2001
Posts 287

2 posted 05-22-2003 09:39 AM       View Profile for teenpoet   Email teenpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for teenpoet

So Karmala,
       I am here to support you, no doubt, but I would not know how to deal with this situation.  But I think marilyn has the right idea.  
        I can understand how a mother will pressure you to stay home.  My mom kind of has more of an excuse than yours.  She knows that as soon as I turn 18 and have the money I'm moving WAY out of state, across the country, 1500 miles away (more but that's fairly close 'cause I figured it out).  

Good luck and I hope everything works out.

I don't know if today is a good day, or if yesterday was, or if tomorrow will be, but I'd like to think so.

since 03-26-2003
Posts 156
Spanish Town, Jamaica

3 posted 05-22-2003 01:30 PM       View Profile for morefiah   Email morefiah   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for morefiah

Kamala, as someone who has had a fairly similar experience, I guess I can say a few things. First of all, I agree totally with Marilyn. You should take her suggestions.

As far as the relationship with your mother is concerned. I must tell you that my own mother is the very same. She did not speak to me for three years when I got married because (according to her) my wife snubbed her at some point. Turned out that they had been at home together when I was not there and Wendy stayed in my room for most of the time. My wife is your typical unassuming, non-talkative, introvert.

Anyway, I simply ignored her for the most part. I still sent her cards at Christmas and birthdays/Mothers day; still told her that I loved her whenever I could, but I basically ignored her behaviour. Seven years later, she still does not speak to my wife, she hardly pays much attention to my sons, but we (she and I) have a better relationship. I just try to make at a bit better every day. Hang in there, but hold on to your own personality. Time will help to heal the wounds.
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart

4 posted 05-22-2003 01:36 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Marilyn gave some very wise advise, Kamala.  We are not clinicians, but it does sound as if your mother is more in need of medical attention than of possibly being manipulative.  Of course, this is only one small side of the full story, although it feels that you were as objective as you could possibly be.

Your brother, being a physician, needs, to be pulled into this a little more, I think, so that he can help you get your mother the assistance she needs.  Stress, fear, advancing age and many other things change people to a point that they don't even realize how their behavior is perceived.  

I wish you and your mother all the best.  I hope she will receive the assistance she needs to combat what could be depression.  And I will pray that you are given the strength you will need to help her get through this time.
since 04-17-2003
Posts 66

5 posted 05-22-2003 03:28 PM       View Profile for Kamala   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kamala

Marilyn -- thank you so much for your words of wisdom.  i do, in fact, think that my mom's actions are motivated more by a desire to manipulate than a genuine will to die.  However, I also feel like she is legitimately depressed (even if not suicidal).  I think she's just dealing with abandonment issues, and I guess I've enabled her to be as dependent and attached to me as she's gotten.  I was just trying to be good to her and make her happy, but I think that my actions over the past few years may have set up an expectation that I would *keep* doing everything for her.

Anyway -- I am sticking to my guns, as you said.  And it helps that I was a practicing Tibetan Buddhist for 5.5 years... you know, for the letting go and the breathing during this situation.  But I'm really convicted that I've done nothing wrong and that being true to myself is the right thing to do.  It's not my fault that she is behaving in this way.  I'm just sorry that she seems to be pushing away the few people left in her life that are trying to love and support her.

Teenpoet -- my sincerest thanks for your support.  And best of luck with your anticipated future!!

Morefiah -- Wow... our situations really do sound parallel.  I fear that my mom and I will end up in a similar situation... not talking and me just sending her cards and telling her I love her every once in a while.  It does make me sad.  It makes me sad to think that our relationship is never going to be the same.  But... some things in life don't make sense, and for my part this is one of them.  For now, I've decided that the woman who raised me is dead.  The memory of how loving she was and how grateful I am to her for everything is still very much alive and fresh... but for the moment, there's someone else living in her stead.  And all I can do is hope that at some point, the mom I knew will return.  But even if she doesn't, I still love her.

Sunshine -- Thank you for the well-wishes.  They mean a lot.  And I'm convinced that the support of people like all of you here and my friends is making a difference.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

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