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Help me?

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ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


0 posted 05-04-2003 04:35 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Anybody listening will be much appreciated...

I've recently had a fall-out with a very dear friend, a big knock to my heart. We were as close as close could be until one evening, he had to write a poem on Cats, and asked me for help and suggestions. I gave him some and then said I was going to do one too, cos it seemed a fun challenge. He didn't object and so I quickly typed up a few lines and showed them to him. Unfortunately, he hadn't found it very easy and my finishing sooner than he and his struggling to express the beautiful thoughts he had on the topic upset him. Consequently he blamed me for making him feel inferior, and also jealous. He was very hurt by it. He transformed from a warm, loving, caring friend to a cold, closed person. He shut me out. I didn't understand why, but figured it out from the timing of his reactions and consequences. I emailed him and put my theory to him. Yesterday we talked it over and he said that yes that was moreorless what had happened. We ended up having a big argument over it too. But even before the argument I could feel the distance between us. Right now, we aren't even talking. I don't know what to do. I treasure his friendship and don't want it to be lost forever over this. I never meant to hurt him. Has anybody got any ideas what I can do to make things better?

Would really appreciate any advice...
Love, Liz xxx

"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


1 posted 05-04-2003 05:21 PM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

I may not be the right person to respond to this first, because I've always felt that we are responsible for our own feelings.  

It was not what you did (you wrote a few lines of a poem! OMG!) that caused him to feel the way he does and did.  HE chose to feel the way he does.  A true friend would have gloried in your ability to pen a few lines quickly, he would have embraced you for your talent and perhaps expressed a little good natured jealousy and maybe asked you for your help some more.

I know you are hurting and for that you are in my thoughts.  However, I am at a loss to tell you how to fix this, since you have nothing really to do with why it is broken.

Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
Nil Desperandum, Fata viem invenient

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


2 posted 05-04-2003 05:33 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Yes, what JP said...but I'm sure you'll have a few come in who know exactly what to say/do....

Hugs...
ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


3 posted 05-04-2003 05:44 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

He didn't choose to feel that way, it just happened. Nobody's fault....but the broken pieces need picking up nevertheless...
Thank you for your reponses, I shall continue to check back and see if the magic advice has arrived....
I know there is no easy answer but really different perspectives can hold answers in themselves.
Love, Liz xxx

"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


4 posted 05-04-2003 06:35 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

ESP, it is sad when someone you care for distances themself like this. True friends should be able to compete without it destroying the basis of their friendship.
Not that there really seemed to be any competition here...but even if?
Give it time, and if time doesn't heal the wound, then perhaps the relationship was not terribly strong to begin with.
Heart hugs to you, hope it ends well for both of you.
Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


5 posted 05-05-2003 04:28 AM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

I must agree with everyone before me as I too have been in your shoes.  You will just have to give him time, and tell him when he is ready talk it out you will be there to listen.  It is a sad truth, but you can not fix that which you did not break.  Good luck to you and a few heart hugs as well.

[This message has been edited by Mysteria (05-05-2003 04:30 AM).]

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


6 posted 05-05-2003 01:21 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Hi there, sweet gal~
quote:
He transformed from a warm, loving, caring friend to a cold, closed person.
Hmmmmmmm ?  Maybe ... just maybe ... he didn't 'transform' at all~
Sometimes the 'real' is laying there under the 'pretend' of loving and caring ?

Well, LizzieGal .... you know me ... realism is - that he needs to grow up !
AND .... perhaps THAT is what you need to convey to him~
FRIENDS (TRUE FRIENDS) just don't act that way.
Honest Injun !

Me wubs ya' gal ... and it's soooooooo good to see you back 'home'~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~


~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

davidmerriman
Member
since 04-30-2003
Posts 124
Dallas, TX


7 posted 05-05-2003 05:12 PM       View Profile for davidmerriman   Email davidmerriman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit davidmerriman's Home Page   View IP for davidmerriman

damn, that's his problem, not yours.

I wouldn't put up with it if I were you.
ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


8 posted 05-05-2003 07:14 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

*Sigh*
I thought we made steps to sorting it yesterday evening and then today he was acting all odd again. He even went offline without saying goodnight, which he has never gone as far as doing before. He seemed distant so I asked what was bothering him and he bit my head off...I was only caring...(cue: sad face--i don't know the faces on here) Thanks all you guys who've replied, showing me support. I'm at a loss to be honest, no idea what to do. And like some of you say, there isn't really desperately masses I can do. Maybe time will heal, who knows. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, why do I always drive people away!!!!!!!! (Sorry but this is the second time in as many weeks that my friendship has been dumped and it SUX. I'm hurting but more wondering what I've done wrong and what I should or shouldn't have done that might have helped. And yet in the end, what will be will be, it's just meant to be this way. Still sux though. And I just wonder who will be making the next exit!!!!
I'll keep you all updated....
Luv, Liz xxxx

"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


9 posted 05-05-2003 07:24 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Well, girlie girl .... ya' STILL got ME after all these years !
I'm not going anywhere !

*Huglets* and more *Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Ringo
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 02-20-2003
Posts 3696
Saluting with misty eyes


10 posted 05-05-2003 09:28 PM       View Profile for Ringo   Email Ringo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ringo

I went through almost the exact same thing back in September, and got one of my favorite poems out of it... I'll have to find it and post it... Eventually, we had both calmed to the point to where we were able to discuss things calmly and without emotions getting involved. I really thinik that it will be the same for you two. I hope it does.

When the morning cries and you don't know why...

Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 06-15-99
Posts 7276
Mobile, AL


11 posted 05-06-2003 12:25 AM       View Profile for Temptress   Email Temptress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Temptress

You really should not blame yourself and make yourself think you drove someone away.

If he is a healthy friend for you, he will realize his error in getting overly jealous and letting your talent make him feel inferior. Then, perhaps he will start acting like a friend again. If anything, he should be appreciative of your talent.

hope that makes sense...

You could hurt me with your bare hands. You could hurt me using the sharp edge of what you say. JEWEL

morefiah
Member
since 03-26-2003
Posts 156
Spanish Town, Jamaica


12 posted 05-07-2003 01:41 PM       View Profile for morefiah   Email morefiah   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for morefiah

Two questions to be asked here:

1. Is/was this guy really your friend? and

2. Is he really who he seems to have been all
   this time?

All who have said it before are right: A true friend, even if slightly jealous, would put all this behind him and attempt to bridge the gap. You are obviously his friend, given your grief over the very thought that you may have hurt him in some way. He on the other hand, has not done much to make peace. I do not get the feeling from your posts that he even worries any at all about losing a very good friend. Makes you wonder doesn't it.

It also makes you wonder about the person you thought you knew. I always thought that people are infinitely complex, but they rarely ever change. Most people have spent their entire lives crafting a personality. It is highly unlikely (and very difficult) for anyone to change their personality. So who you are seeing now is who he always was. You just never saw this facet of his character before. The harsh reality is that this person is not really the person you have come to think that he is. And that this matter is really a blessing in disguise: Now you know who you are dealing with.

You should, of course, still try to fix things if you can. However, do not expect too much.

Garfield

Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


13 posted 05-07-2003 02:45 PM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

Lizzie!  It is sooooo good to see you here! The last I remembered, I'd written you a little poem while you were off in boarding school. I was wondering about you a little while back, and hoped you were doing well.

You've gotten some wonderful advice above, so I don't have much more to add as I think many have said it so well.  I just wanted to take a moment to say hello, and let you know it's great to see you again.
WinterWren
Senior Member
since 12-01-2002
Posts 1044
...Coming to


14 posted 05-07-2003 06:01 PM       View Profile for WinterWren   Email WinterWren   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WinterWren's Home Page   View IP for WinterWren

Unfortunately I lost one of my best friends in the whole world a few years ago,
over something relatively small.
What I regret most is not what either of us had done to each other, there was wrong on both sides, but what I never told her.
I never once cried in front of her, or told her how much I cared for her, how important she was to me, and how much she was hurting me by pushing me away.
I know almost for a certainty that if I had told her all that, we would still be friends today.

Tell your friend what you just told us,
that you never meant to hurt him, and how important he is to you, and even if you didn't do anything wrong, apologize.
Ask him after that if he needs to have a few days away from you to cool off.
Once he's calmed down, try to talk it over again.
I hope this helped and everything gets all better!!!!

WinterWren
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Kamala
Member
since 04-17-2003
Posts 66
CA, USA


15 posted 05-12-2003 07:22 PM       View Profile for Kamala   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kamala

I agree with WinterWren that you should let your friend know the depth of your feeling for him in the same way that you let *us* know about it.  And I'm also the kind of person who will apologize to someone even when I know I haven't done anything wrong.  It's like saying you're sorry that they're feeling so bad or hurt or sad.  It doesn't necessarily have to be that you're sorry for something you did.

And like WW said, ask him if he needs a while.  If, after this type of open giving gesture he still doesn't come around, then you just have to let it go.  I mean, I think it's important to do all you can -- out of love compassion and kindss -- to keep a friendship, but it does ultimately have to be a two-way street.  And if his neurosis about his writing or his jealousy or whatever is keeping him from really seeing what you're trying to do, that's ultimately his problem and not something you should accept responsibility for... and not something you can do anything about.  

My philosophy is this: do all you can with great openness and willingness and love and friendship.  If it still doesn't work, you just have to let it go.  Because stuff like this has to be resolved from both sides in... not just one side.

Good luck,
Kamala

"At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool."

               ~~ T.S. Eliot

 
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