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Passions in Poetry

I'm Afraid I'm Going To Die....

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vixengrl04
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since 04-26-2001
Posts 513
East Haddam, CT


0 posted 01-08-2003 08:18 PM       View Profile for vixengrl04   Email vixengrl04   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for vixengrl04

OK, right now I'm really sad and scared and emotional and I'm not sure who I can talk to about this who wouldn't think I'm a psychopath.  I haven't posted on PIP in a million years, but I really just needed to find someplace where I could empty my thoughts and maybe get some feedback from someone, and PIP came to mind...So here's what's going on...

I'm 17 and I got my license 4 months ago.  I'm a pretty cautious driver (alot more cautious than the other kids at my school!) but I just get really nervous.  Like I won't go someplace where I haven't been before unless there's someone in the car who knows where we're going...I also don't like to drive alone at all and try to have someone with me at all times.  The only time that I'm ever really alone is when I'm leaving my house to school before I pick my friend up.  I also am afraid of major highways...I've only been on two very small highways that are never very busy and I don't want to go on any others.  I guess I'm just afraid that something bad is going to happen or that I'll do something stupid.  Sometimes I get nervous in places that I'm very familiar with and even in my own town!  

Anyways, I was leaving the house this morning to go to school (I was by myself) and it had snowed a little bit last night.  I live off of a very downhill, curvy road that can be a bit treachorous when the weather is bad.  I've driven in bad snow  before and it was ok, so I wasn't too worried.  Anyways, they didn't plow the road for some odd reason, which I think they really should have considering it's a pretty main rd. and we didn't have a delay for school or anything.  Before I left, my mom told me to be careful and drive slow cuz the road wasn't plowed and so I was.  I was driving very slowly and carefully and I wasn't worried.  Then I was going around a sharp corner and all of a sudden I slipped on a patch of ice and started spinning.  I hit the brakes and tried to turn the wheel away from the direction I was going but I had NO CONTROL at all!  It felt like I was spinning forever and I was so scared and I knew I was going to hit something but I was praying it wouldnt be another car or a tree or anything.  All these images flashed through my head and I thought I was going to die or something and then, after spinning in a few circles, I slammed into a snowbank.  I wasn't hurt or anything but I was really dizzy and lightheaded and I felt like I was going to faint.  So a bunch of guys came out of their cars to see if I was ok and they helped calm me down and I was able to back the car out OK.  So I drove back home (like 10 mph) totally bawling my eyes out.  There was very minimal damage to my car.  Just the fender got bent a little bit but my dad said it would be easy to fix.  

I was all shaky and nervous and crying all day and now I NEVER wanna drive again!!!  I know it's not my fault but it just terrifies me that I could lose control so easily and I felt completely helpless as I was spinning around.  And I know it was just luck that I hit the snowbank instead of another car or a tree (which were both around).  I keep on thinking about it and how it felt when I was spinning and trying to make it stop.  And now (I know these sounds really messed up) but I'm afraid I'm going to die.  I'm taking the bus tomorrow and I don't know when or if I'm going to drive again, but it makes me feel sick to think about it.  Cuz what if it happens again and I'm not as lucky as I was this time?  I just want to stay in my house and never leave because I'm afraid that something is going to happen and that I'll die.  And I don't want to die...I'm just so scared and I don't know whats wrong with me!!!

Nikki  
Nightshade
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just out of reach


1 posted 01-08-2003 08:59 PM       View Profile for Nightshade   Email Nightshade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nightshade's Home Page   View IP for Nightshade

Nikki - What you experienced was very frightening indeed. I have been driving since 1966...that's a long time. I still hate driving in the snow. Have had some close calls myself. But, we can't lock ourselves away from the world. You are so young and have so much fun and learning ahead of you. The accident wasn't your fault. So don't punish yourself. It's like they say, if you fall off a horse, you have to get right back on and try again.
  Naturally you will be scared at first, but with practice of driving in snowy conditions, like even just around your block, you will gradually get your self-confidence back. Take a deep breath and think to yourself...I am gonna make everyday count. Have fun Nikki. Life goes by too fast. You'll be just fine. Chris

"Hope" is the thing with feathers-
that perches in the soul....
                  
                       -Emily Dickinson

Sunshine
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since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


2 posted 01-08-2003 09:03 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Nikki, you have a very active "caution bell" going on inside you.  Wonderful!  So many kids "have no fear" which is as you know, quite harmful.

I would suggest taking a defensive driving course.  It would allow you to experience what it's like to drive in all kinds of conditions, including black ice.  It may be worth it to help you get over your fears.  

I have a friend who was scared to death of flying as a passenger.  She took one of these types of courses, and it helped her a great deal.

You may want to check into that option!  Good luck!  With time, experience, and age, these feelings you have will get better.
LoveBug
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3 posted 01-08-2003 10:17 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

Well... I wasn't driving, but I was with my friend on a rainy night when she took a curve too sharply and went 30 feet down a hillside. I'm still kind of afraid to drive in the rain, but like sunshine said, I think it's good. I'm also 17 and us kids can do stupid things. It makes us careful and it makes us value life more. Just realize that it was an accident that that our Father has us in His care, and whatever happens is of His will.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ

Nan
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Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


4 posted 01-08-2003 10:18 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

Believe it or not - You were pretty lucky.  Did you know that the odds are that nearly every newly licensed driver has some sort of a minor fender-bender in their first year of driving?

You're cautious - That's good - You'll do fine.  Driving in snowy conditions can be pretty darned treacherous - There are all sorts of things that can happen.  You hit ice - There's no control there at all... Did you know that putting the brakes on and steering away from the direction you're going does more harm than good?  I guess you learned the hard way - You won't make that mistake again - Pump the brakes lightly (assuming you're going relatively slowly in those conditions) and keep the wheel straight - turning it puts you into a spin.. You learned that too... Looking at the positive side of things... See what a productive day it was?

You'll be fine - You're reasonably shaken... I don't blame you - not a bit - But the stress will pass, and you'll drive again - gaining more and more and more confidence with each day...  Trust us - we're "OLD" drivers... and we've all had our own incidences that aren't so different from yours...

Need a hug?... HUG...

Opeth
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since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


5 posted 01-09-2003 10:47 AM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

Nikki,

From reading your words, I believe that you should refrain from driving until you talk about this matter with either your parents, teachers, or someone in your life that you can trust and who cares for you.

In the meantime...relax

You are young and have such a long life ahead of you. Best of luck!
Midnitesun
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since 05-18-2001
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Gaia


6 posted 01-09-2003 11:22 AM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

Spinning out of control for any reason is scary. Nan gave good driving tips. There are so many scary things in this world, driving is only one of them. It's good that you are cautious, but try not to be overly fearful, for that can be as hazardous to your health as being totally fearless.
Good luck; slow speeds and lots of training time are the keys to survival on road of life.
Larry C
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Member Patricius
since 09-10-2001
Posts 10765
United States


7 posted 01-09-2003 01:22 PM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

Nikki,
Turns out you're normal! I was 42 when I lived on a hill just like yours and at five miles per hour in traffic couldn't stop in time to avoid the car in front of me. For the rest of that winter when there was snow I just stayed home.

Your feelings are real. But understand that all of us are going to die. We have no guarantees of living to an old age. But we certainly increase the odds through being cautious.

I pray for peace of mind and courage for you.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Miah
Senior Member
since 08-26-2002
Posts 1092
Pennsylvania


8 posted 01-09-2003 02:35 PM       View Profile for Miah   Email Miah   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Miah

I know how you feel.  My boyfriend and I were in an accident not to long ago, we spun and spun and I thought we were gonners for sure.  Lucky for us the only damage was to our car and our emotions.  It took me awhile to trust myself behind a wheel again.  I am still very cautious.

A few years ago, my sister was in a bad wreck, she wrapped her car around a tree, the car was trashed but she made it out alive.  It was awful, she couldn't drive for the longest time.  8 years later she still is not found of driving.  However, she is not as afraid anymore, she goes slow.  NO drinking and driving for sure, and she makes sure her car is in check.  I asked her one time how she stopped being afraid to drive and she said it took time and baby steps.  She realized that she can't go through life being afraid, that would have just made it worse.  She is now more careful and aware of the people around her and always goes with her gut feeling.  

What you feel is normal, don't let it get the best of you, take baby steps.  Be aware, be careful, be safe and give yourself time.  
Ron
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since 05-19-99
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Michigan, US


9 posted 01-09-2003 02:43 PM       View Profile for Ron   Email Ron   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Ron's Home Page   View IP for Ron

It was late January, 1974. I was driving a '64 Belaire, a big heavy car, on I94 from Battle Creek to Kalamazoo and, as usual, was running late. I was young and stupid and, having grown up in Michigan, had no fear at all of snow and ice. My dad had taught me to drive, after all, by taking me out on a very frozen Goguac Lake and pretty much turning me loose behind the wheel. I was cocky.

I'm sure I was doing well over a hundred miles per hour when I hit a patch of ice hidden beneath the thin glaze of still falling snow. The car went into a spin, what we called donuts back then, and I twisted the wheel to and fro in a effort to stay on the highway. I know the ride lasted only seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Thirty years ago, the sides of the highway were dotted with wooden markers, the thickness of a telephone pole, but only about three feet high, painted black and white for easy visibility at night. When the car finally left I94, it slammed sideways into a marker pole in the meridian. Like a karate chop, the Belaire hit the pole going so fast it snapped it like a number two pencil, leaving only a small indentation in the door panel. Fortunately, the pole slowed the car enough so that the five feet bank of snow behind it was a cushion rather than the brick wall it would have been at higher speeds. I walked away unscathed. Minutes later, an 18-wheeler stopped and helped pull the Chevy from it's tomb of snow. The driver said he only stopped because he felt he had to after following my trail of donuts for over two miles. The car started right back up, and I'm almost ashamed to admit that five miles later I was again pushing the speedometer into the triple-digit range.

A few years after that, I left Michigan, for California, where I spent most of the next two decades. When I finally returned to Michigan five years ago, I quickly discovered that my over-confidence had not survived the years, even though my "snow reflexes" returned almost as if I had never left. I still drive much too fast in the summer, but drive hardly at all and never very fast during the winter months. I just don't need to be anywhere badly enough to pay for the cost of what it does to my nerves. I don't know if I'm less stupid than I was in 1974, but I'm certainly less young.

Driving in bad weather isn't something someone can teach you, but can only be learned with experience. It's reflex as much as knowledge. You'll get the knack eventually, and in the meantime, your caution will serve you well. I get the impression you might even be smart enough to never let your ever-increasing experience in snow someday make you cocky.
quietlydying
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since 06-10-2001
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the wonderful land of oz


10 posted 01-11-2003 11:14 PM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

it's amazing how all of the really stupid things i've done behind the wheel [doing 160 on the perimeter in my stepdad's car] and whatnot, never resulted in a ticket or an accident or anything.

however driving properly i managed to nearly total my brand new car just two and a half months after buying it.  ten grand in damages.

i was driving home from the gym when i hit a stalled car after trying to swerve.  the car in front of me swerved and thus it was too late for me.  the entire passenger side was ripped to shreds.

i just remember shock.  complete and utter shock.  i slowly got out of the car, tons of people had pulled over and there was this incredibly nice woman comforting me.  nobody cared about my car, they were all worried about me.  apparently i had hit it really hard and they were scared i had been hurt.

ironically my dad was driving by a few minutes after and i just started bawling.  he drove me home [to my mother's and stepdad's] where i got a nice little lecture about how stupid i am and i better have learned my lesson and blah blah blah.

well i was having a really tough time, it was a horrible summer and the accident pushed me over the edge.  muscle relaxants and pain killers.

needless to say i survived.  but what i'm trying to say is that car accidents, even fender benders are horrible things.  they're emotionally draining and sooo many people have a hard time with them.

i am a cautious driver.  i don't speed anymore and my car was finally fixed [there was a month and half waiting list for my garage].  however i'm still stuck with a four hundred and fifty dollar license now [after deductibles and whatnot], though i didn't even break any laws.  bleh.

/jen/

'Christianity is the complete negation of common sense and sound reason.'
-- Mikhail Bakunin

Alexia
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since 06-07-2001
Posts 626
Sweet And Sassy


11 posted 01-12-2003 12:53 PM       View Profile for Alexia   Email Alexia   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alexia

It'll be alright. I'm glad your ok ..
I was in a *kinda* wreck couple weeks ago also except I hit a deer. So I know how it feels not wanting to drive and afraid something bad is going to happen. I'm scared to drive at night on my road. I make my sister drive me.

Well Im glad your all right.
If you need to talk, You can email me
Sexychevychic72@hotmail.com
I'm 17 too, lol

Alexia, take care
vixengrl04
Senior Member
since 04-26-2001
Posts 513
East Haddam, CT


12 posted 01-16-2003 05:09 PM       View Profile for vixengrl04   Email vixengrl04   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for vixengrl04

Hey guys,
    I just wanted to thank you for all of your kind respones.  Reading them really helped me to feel better about everything, and so I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for that.     
    Incase any of you were interested in an update, I am driving again.  I told everyone that I never would, but I did 2 days after the accident, not because I wanted to but because I sorta had to...Anyways, 8 days later and I'm still kinda nervous and paranoid when I'm on the road, but it's getting better each day.  I think I'm seeing the silver lining in this situation, as I refuse to go over the speed limit now, while before I would sometimes go a bit faster than I should have...I'm def. rambling at this point lol, but once again, thank you!!

Always,
Nikki

     *~Fighting for your love~*
    *~Is something I cannot do~*
   *~I'm not good enough to win~*
*~And I'm not strong enough to lose~*

 
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