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Passions in Poetry

I feel like a fraud

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since 12-16-2002
Posts 191

0 posted 12-16-2002 10:39 PM       View Profile for sweetwater   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sweetwater

I live with a quadreplegic. He wasn't one when I met him, but a year after our paths crossed, fate decided the greater challenge of usless limbs would be bestowed upon him. When it first happened, giving up the relationship never crossed my mind, it was an experience, a lesson and a challenge, all the things I thrive on. as the months and years went by, people would often comment on how I must be in love, otherwise I never would do this. They would say how I was 'wonderful' and 'caring' and totally 'selfless'.. all titles I would blush at and quickly change the subject.. not because of modesty, but because I don't feel deserving of these adjectives.
A person in 'love' does not entertain thoughts of being alone when times get tough...
A person who is 'selfless' does not wish things would happen to make her smile, but that things would happen to make everyone smile.
A person who is 'caring' should not have moments of bitterness at their lot. And they should not wish at times that the people they care about are not there.
So when people say these things to me I think about the times when I'm not caring, or selfless or 'in love' and I feel like a fraud.

I am not a special person... I am a normal person in a special circumstance.
Poet deVine
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since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley

1 posted 12-16-2002 10:47 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

I disagree. If you weren't special you would just walk away. You ARE caring, whether you're in love is your business. But you are caring. Selfless? Who among us is really selfless. We shouldn't be. Sometimes we need to be a bit selfish to take care of ourselves...don't beat yourself up. You can choose to stay, continue what you're doing. Or you can go. It's up to you. And if you decide to go, you are NOT an uncaring person!
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Member Ascendant
since 02-16-2000
Posts 5326
By the sea

2 posted 12-17-2002 12:06 AM       View Profile for Auguste   Email Auguste   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Auguste's Home Page   View IP for Auguste

I have a smiliar situation.  If you'd care to write to me and hear my thoughts, then please feel free to do so.  And hey, please stop beating yourself up.  You're only feeling very 'normal' feelings.   Write to me at:  
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 12-17-2002 08:50 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

You're not a fraud - You're doing what feels right to you.  I once spent nearly ten years with a friend who became suddenly ill approximately 7 years along (the final three years were all essentially helping him to die with dignity).

Why did I do that for someone who wasn't my spouse?  He was just my best friend... That's why, I'd say...

In retrospect - Did I do the right thing?  For me? For him?  It surely was right for him, as it made his final days easier.  Did I "waste" those years for myself?  I think not.  I learned much and grew as a person in the process.

I surely can't second guess my choices through that experience.  I just accept it for what was....

It sounds like you're doing the same.  God Bless...

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since 05-18-2001
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4 posted 12-17-2002 03:27 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

A fraud is someone who pretends to be something they aren't. You aren't pretending anything, you are just reacting to a circumstance that frustrates you and demands that you re-evaluate yourself and your motives. It isn't about caring, really. Its obvious you care. Are you sure you aren't feeling guilty, for NOT being in the same situation? Are you feeling guiluty for not being in love? Love cannot survive a guilt trip. Be there as a friend, be there as much as you can, but without guilt or feeling sorry for him or yourself. Be there, if you really feel it.
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart

5 posted 12-17-2002 03:42 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

What comes normally to some people is not easily disseminated by others.  They cannot see doing what you are doing.  For them it would be a hardship.  In laying upon you the adjectives that embarrass you, they are admitting silently to themselves, "I don't know that I could do what she is doing."  And they are right.  Chances are, they could not.  They would hire out to the least expensive resource and hand over their lover, spouse, parent.  It happens all of the time.

You may feel like a fraud, but I believe that what you are is just uncomfortable that more people cannot be like you, around the world.  More's the pity.

I applaud you, and that which you are comprised of, because it just reinforces in my sight that there ARE great human beings out there.
Larry C
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Member Patricius
since 09-10-2001
Posts 10765
United States

6 posted 12-17-2002 09:00 PM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

I lack any qualifications, based on experience, to respond to this post. But just evaluating the list of poets who responded is impressive, please listen to them.

The feelings we harbor are certainly real. I can't talk you out of them. However, from where I sit, your challenge isn't for doing the right thing and being acknowledged. It is when you indulge the "what if" thoughts, for which you suffer much guilt. And in this regard I can indeed empathize. My wife has had cancer and serious surgery. I know the "what if" thoughts.

So, in my humble opinion, your struggle is with the reality that you are human. There is no cure for that.

The fact remains, regardless of your disputing it, you are doing what very few would be willing to do. Not without baggage but non-the-less you are doing it.

My hat is off to you and your courage. And my heart goes out to you when your courage faulters. God bless you dear girl.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

[This message has been edited by Larry C (12-17-2002 09:01 PM).]

since 12-16-2002
Posts 191

7 posted 12-18-2002 03:15 AM       View Profile for sweetwater   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sweetwater

oh wow... I am touched by your thoughts.
I wrote the OP a day after my partner deeply disappointed me with his thoughtlessness. which sent me into a spiral of absurdity.
I spent the day before doing only the bare minimum that he needs and not talking much at all... this make me feel like I'm not giving him the best care I can, which upsets me and makes me feel wrong.. then worthless.. then fraudulent.. see a spiral of absurdity! Luckily, it only lasts as long as I'm upset (in this case two days - he was REALLY inconsiderate) and then I just get back to getting along with it. We disagree like anyone else - I just don't deal with it that great.

"...your struggle is with the reality that you are human."

sometimes people just hit the nail squarely...  
Member Elite
since 06-17-2001
Posts 2607

8 posted 12-18-2002 10:18 PM       View Profile for RSWells   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RSWells

You are very human....remarkably so.
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Member Ascendant
since 01-08-2000
Posts 5015

9 posted 12-22-2002 02:05 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

We ARE all human and we have faults, but in doing what you are doing, you are still one remarkable person. You may have sad and bitter thoughts sometimes, but the things that you do for this person shows that most of your inner being is what everybody sees, even though you don't see it in yourself. I assure you, you are a good person. You are ok. Don't feel guilty... all of that will just pile more upon your already stressful life. God bless!

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ

since 12-05-2002
Posts 324
Sydney, Australia

10 posted 12-22-2002 10:14 PM       View Profile for Rainbowdust   Email Rainbowdust   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Rainbowdust

Everyone wavers sweetwater, but like Paton said, courage is fear holding on a minute longer. Maybe it's not quite fear in this case, but the truth of the matter is, you're there for him at the end of the day. That's what counts, and that's what everyone will remember. God bless and remember we're all here cheering you on.

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea

11 posted 12-23-2002 09:23 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

If someone just walked away, would that be 'normal'?

I rather like the idea of a normal person in abnormal circumstances rather than an abnormal person in normal circumstances.

The problem with being 'special' is that everyone puts you on a pedastal and it becomes that much easier to fall (if only in your own self view). Do what you do, do what you think is 'right,' and let others judge as they may.

This is a great idea for a poem. How you feel, what you do, what others think and those secondary thoughts of selfishness combine and interact very well.

PS Anybody seen the movie "Analyze This"?
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