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All confused

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Jenn Cirrincione
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since 07-02-2000
Posts 4370

0 posted 05-03-2002 10:38 PM       View Profile for Jenn Cirrincione   Email Jenn Cirrincione   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jenn Cirrincione

I'm new to this forum, although very familiar to the site. Feels like I've been here for years..oh wait, I have. Anyway, yeah so I'm having a bit of a conflict. I have this way of screwing up relationships, I change guys more often than I change socks. I get bored so easily, and I often find more fun in a challenge than an actual relationship. Once I get what I thought I wanted, I often no longer want it. You see, I'm dating this guy. He's away at college and I'm having doubts. I tried so hard not to say the "L" I usually do, but this time I just had to say it- I truly felt it. This guy is something I can't explain. He makes me so happy, so comfortable, he's not only my boyfriend but my best friend. He is all I've ever wanted and thought I could never get...and ironically reminds me very much of myself...and my father. He just seems to fit me, like the missing piece I've waited my whole life for. And yet, every now and again, those doubts creep up. I get antsy I need affection, I start becoming attracted to other guys, and I crave independence. Now it took all my strength to realize I needed time and space- and when I told him I was bawling from emotion. He was so understanding, never before could I have wished for a more patient guy. He puts up with me so well. hehe
Anyway, he said he'd wait a decade if need be, he knew he loved me and he'd wait forever for me to be ready. Our hiatus was about three days long- and then we talked. Supposedly in our "let's be friends" stage. But I just couldn't take it anymore, I loved him so much, LOVE him so much. I was so ready to just fall in his arms and I apologized so much and just told him I needed time. I do love him. I just think I've got interpersonal(sp?) issues to handle. I think he could be the one, but what if I screw it up along the way? I mean, every few days I change moods, I need space, then I need him. I need affection from other guys, I have thoughts about other guys...then I feel like he's the only one for me. I am all messed up... Any help is appreciated....


"I can't get you out of my head- your love is all I think about."

Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration

1 posted 05-03-2002 10:59 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

i can actually understand a lot of this.

i spent most of my life bouncing-bouncing-bouncing around from person to person. (usually girls ) and have come to realize that it wasn't necessarily a failure in my interpersonal skills, but rather in my expectations and actions. to use one of my bad analogies:

"Just because you see a beautiful painting doesn't mean you have to hang it on the wall."

like you, i've been with some amazing people, people i thought might be 'the one' - and then i start looking at other people and thinking about other people. uhmm - i don't think that's a bad thing. what is, is thinking that you need to act on that. appreciation can take many forms, and in my op is only bad if you act on it. if you appreciate someone, think of them occassionaly, etc., it's ok. if we were designed to be able to only appreciate one person in this world, dating and the whole 'love scene' would be nowhere as traumatically diffucalt as it almost always is.

no, i don't think it's a failing in your interpersonal skills, but in the above, and expectations.

now, this may be the pot calling the kettle black (fo, and you know who you are) but it's really unrealistic to expect the 'picture-perfect relationship. between the media and our own history, we are raised to believe that a Romeo and Juliet type of connection is the only 'true love' there is. Well, first, look where it got them. and second - for them (the fictional characters...) that may have been the perfect romance. who's to say that same time of connection is right for you, me, or anyone else other than them? you have different interests, different goals, upbringing, culture, etc. - what makes one expect that the romance would be the same? personally, i don't think the way people love is universal - everyone has their own way of approaching it (if they even do) and for them, that's the right way.

uhmm... i think i'm starting to ramble again, and i hope i've made some sense. perhaps i'll come back later and look at this again when i can be a bit more coherent.

oh well. hey - if all else fails, just shake your head really hard until your brains start to rattle, then tell yourself you were silly for doing that - at the least, you'll probably smile.

Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273

2 posted 05-04-2002 07:58 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

You know, I'm going to add to what Chris has said and tell you a story. It's about my best friends. (C - another thing you're sick of hearing..go away, I don't care). These two have been married a couple of years now...they were best friends for four years before they went out. Went out for four years or so before they got married. They have an amazing relationship. They are steady, they rarely argue, they are organised in their goal-setting and goal-achieving. They have the seemingly 'right' mix of indivuality and couple-melding. Frankly, it's sick.

Awhile ago, I used to compare my life to theirs and feel like crap about it. Here's me - 27, still single. Been through countless Mr Right anywhere in sight. I love being in a relationship, I love being close to someone, I love giving and receiving affection. I love the whole domestic feel. BUT, at the same time - all of those things...give me the heebies...a lot of the time, I want to be alone. I want to be 'free.' I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I'm really just a contradiction.

So, flighty little me would look at my friends - the 'perfect' example of a modern day relationship and cringe at myself and my failure.

Until I realised - that's them. It's ok to be me. It's ok not to have met Mr Right yet, it's ok to have churned through half the phone book of men (yes, this is hyberbole - ain't it grand?) and been bored by every single one of them.

As I get older, I am becoming more ready to settle - haven't lost the contradiction, and I probably won't, but the important thing is when/if I find Mr Right, that who I am today can work in a relationship with him.

YOU don't have to fit a certain mould hon...society creates it...if it worked I'm sure that certain parts of the world wouldn't suffer from a 50%+ divorce rate heh.

You don't have to feel one way about anything - I'm going to say something that I know won't help - but, revel in your confusion! matter how much you fret over this, it won't go away...all the rational talking in the world won't make it go away. You are who you today. The only way to sort through your confusion is to go with it. Run with it.

If you feel you love him, then stay with him - you'll know if it doesn't might screw it up, sure..but you won't know that till you try. Who knows - maybe you will marry the guy and have 10 kids

Attraction to other people - normal. It really is. It's what you do with that attraction that matters - sensitivity to your partner is crucial, but I can guarantee you will never stop being attracted to other people, so you may as well accept it...and constructively figure out your personal strategies for handling it.

Huggles...I so know where you're at.


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