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Passions in Poetry

What I've been feeling lately

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0 posted 03-18-2002 01:39 AM       View Profile for Saxoness   Email Saxoness   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Saxoness

First of all, I want to appologize for anyone who opens up this may become a bit of a long ramble, so I thought I'd put a little disclaimer here at the begining for those of you who may be running a little short on time.
--Secondly, I'm not sure this is the proper forum for what I'm about to say, but since it has everything to do with what I'm feeling, I'd give it a shot. No hard feelings if it gets moved or deleted.

Ok. With all of that out of the way, I gotta let it all out now.  Why the forums? Because...well...ok, I don't really know. But it probably has something to do with the fact that I've been coming here for about three years now, and I don't know where else to go.  Cause guys, I gotta TALK to someone. Might as well be everyone.

I've been having a ROUGH time of it lately.  And I use the word "lately" to define a period consisting of about 8 months.  For those of you who don't know, I'm a third year college student at a private womens institution some 500-600 miles away from where I grew up. As if that in itself weren't enough to get me down, (being so far away from family and life long friendships,) I've been having some SERIOUS relationship problems.  It all started last August when a man I'd gotten pretty involved with decided to give me the cold shoulder and basically broke my heart.  I haven't had it too easy with men in my short 21 years, had a BAD experience at the age of 6 and again (at a slightly lesser level) my freshman year in college.

Anyway, this man was the first man I had ever put my complete trust in, and so when things started to go sour I fought it and held on for a few more months before a big HUGE explosion pretty much destroyed things. But, being some what masachistic when it comes to relationships, (which I'm just now realizing) I decided to try and repair things and once again started building trust with this individual. Who, I might add, was quite believably receptive to it.  

Well, about
a little over a month ago, I discover that this man really had no intention of continuing anything with me, and I found out through one of the worst ways, accidentally meeting his other girlfriend.  Needless to say, It's going to be a loooooong time before I even LOOK twice at a guy.  

Well, as if all of that weren't traumatic enough, a friend of mine whom I go to school with (we actually ended up becoming friends through the mutually bad experience I mentioned earlier during my freshman year of college) has decided that she doesn't really want to be close to me anymore. And I'm putting it nicely.  Now I'm the kind of person that is VERY relationship oriented, with friendships I can't help but give 110% and just naturally asume the other party will do the same.  I've been there for her through thick and thin, good and bad, right and wrong, I've never judged her, ridiculed her, treated her any other way then the way I myself would hope to be treated. If any of you are thinking to yourselves that you're only hearing one side of the story, all I can tell you is that while I know I'm not perfect, God, family, and friends have always been the top priorities in my life. I was raised that way.  So, about two weeks ago I confronted her about her rude and distant behaivior to me, in which she informed me that I just wasn't someone she wanted to be close to, and she said many other things that would take too long to type out.  There were a lot of personal and rude remarks that came with it.  I was crushed.  

I'm still crushed.  The funny thing is, is that she still expects things to skip merrily along the way they were before.  

I'm so confused...I don't know what to think, or to feel, it's all churning up inside me like a big mess. It seems so simple on the surface maybe, some might say, well, forget her, move on with your life. But unfortunately it isn't that easy. I'm about to be a senior in college, I can't just wipe the slate clean and start over.  This school is so small that we HAVE to interact with each other, and I'm so far into the program that I only have classes with a few people, who would never be close to me on the level I seek. They are colleages, in a way. Plus, we were supposed to be getting an apartment together along with another friend (who is currently studying abroad this semester and has no idea about any of this) next year.  

My problem is this, I either get the apartment and run the risk of having it turn out to be a horrible mess, or I back out and spend my senior year of college by myself and depressed.  I just FEEL so horrible right now! I'm lonely, sad, insecure about my own personality, and confused! Can I just sleep for a week, and wake up when all of this is figured out? *sigh*  Alright. Thanks for reading, whoever got this far.  Feel free to comment in anyway you like, at this point I'll welcome anyone's voice besides my own.  

"Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone
I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me."

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since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines

1 posted 03-18-2002 02:25 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

I am a relationship oriented person as you  said about yourself, although I am trying to get along being alone with myself for a change..and it isn't so bad.

I also like to be liked and get hurt easily  although I won't usually tell the person and hold it in...I have a weak spot in my body..don't laugh now... bear with me...My throat is a weak spot and if I get a cold  and then am stressed I will get laryngitis..but mine once lasted over a year..and I had to go to speech therapy classes to regain my voice...

It was acerbated by a friendship that was one sided..or so it was beginning to seem to me. Now I am not a person who needs an even- steven relationship but I like to think I am not being used....but and this is a big BUT
in  discussing this with the doctor in whispers, as we had to start somewhere with my voice...he said you can't always expect friends to have the same definition of friendship as you do.

To me, I would give anything plus to help and share a friendship..but to someone else their definition might be that you are always there when they need you... and that is all they want.. he said but don't discount them..they still see you as a friend....when I said I no longer wanted to invest (make) new friends he said to me
I am  one in a million who gives all of myself in a friendship  and I am looking for someone like myself...he said if you stop allowing new friends into your life you may miss that one chance to find that other one in a million... from that moment on..I decided to allow my friends the right to be who they are with no expectations..If I was a sometimes friend to them, that was ok..if I was called to help them or babysit..that was long as I felt rewarded  by their friendship of there are many kinds of friends out there..

I don't understand her need to hurt you with cruel words, but understand that she is lashing out and it's she that has the problem and not you...I don't know about sharing apartments..but I would discuss with her the arrangement of it between you two at least being civil to one another, before even  bringing it up with the third party, as she will hear both sides and be caught in the middle..Compromise if you can tolerate one another..set some boundaries, after all you were friends once...see if you can find a happy medium... *s

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