*grins* Well, since I can talk about this stuff without crying now I decided I'd mosey on in here an give an update, and a little clarification. I wasn't very coherant the night I wrote the first post.
I couldn't handle life anymore. Work was stressing me, family was driving me out of my mind, and I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff looking down; all I could see were black clouds. I had just about given up on life completely; I was so ready to do something drastic. Why didn't I? *shrugs* I don't know. Maybe because I knew, deep down, that if I gave up I'd be disappointed in myself. Maybe because of all the people I knew I'd be leaving behind. I honestly couldn't tell you. I can't even tell myself why I didn't give up.
I had gone to talk to my school counsellor, who is such a gem, and it seemed like everything I had talked about became three thousand times worse, and I didn't feel like I could deal with it. I dragged myself over to my doctors office, and he put me on anti-depressants (I've been diagnosed as "chronically moderately clinically depressed. Try saying that ten times fast ), and the Pill, to try and even out my radical mood swings. One minute I'd be perfectly fine, the next, I'd hate life and everything in it. So I'm on the anti-deps, as I call 'em, and the Pill. The day after I start the Pill I get horribly sick, and I was so sore... If someone touched me, I'd be in agony. So I went to the doc, and he said that it was an uncommon side effect of the extra estrogen being suddenly thrown into my body. Trust me to come up with some side effect that is so rare they don't even put it on the warning. *grins* I was upset about being on the anti-deps in the first place, as all my life I've had this "Rhonda can do anything... all by herself" thing going on. As for my wanting someone to love me an make me his? Well for some reason that evening I wouldn't let myself believe that Andrew loves me. I don't know why, but I felt I was all alone. During this time, my moods were making me be a total... cow... to put it nicely. I was scared that I was going to say the wrong thing to Andrew, or that he was going to find out that another guy loved me (which I found out today that he already had suspicions about). I felt guilty, like I was cheating on him, and I felt dirty for some reason. Maybe it was because I already had this awesome guy ready to do anything for me, and I had to go and cause another guy to fall for me. Bleh. Anyway, I was terrified that I was going to do something that would make him leave me. But I've since realised that if he had left me, he didn't love me in the first place.
My body has since gotten used to the extra hormones, and my moods are... not mellow, but... calmer. They're more organized. I lost my job, which isn't really all that bad (actually it's quite good), and I have an interview tomorrow after school. I've started to lean on Andrew more. Probably more than I should, but he says he's there for me, so I'm going to be using him to help me get through this. Life isn't a basket of roses... not even close yet. But the key word is "yet". I'm going to get better, and I'm going to be able to live a "normal" life one day. I refuse to be beaten. Thank you, all of you, for your help and advice. It meant so much to me this last week to see that people actually care about me and how I'm feeling. Thanks again!
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.