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I can't handle this anymore

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Skyfire
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0 posted 03-08-2002 11:19 PM       View Profile for Skyfire   Email Skyfire   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfire


I can't handle this anymore!!! Too much stress and pain and confusion! I finally go to talk to someone about what's going on in my head and everything just seems to get worse! I shouldn't need drugs to get my mind back to "normal". I just want to be a normal person with normal feelings and normal "brain chemistry". I don't want to be depressed anymore... I just want someone to love me and to make me his... I'm sick of all this uncertainty and doubt... I need help but I don't know where to turn anymore. My moods are up and down and in between, and I'm lashing out at the people I love most. I'm scared to death that I'm going to say something to Andrew that I don't mean, and then I'll lose him forever... If anyone could give me any suggestions on where to get help I'd really appreciate it. I just want to get better.

Just don't fall in love with me and no one will get hurt

hush
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since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


1 posted 03-09-2002 12:24 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

You know, I feel exactly the same way you do about the use of psychoactive drugs... I don't need any medicines screwing with my head, but for a while, everyone thought I should have them.

I eventually levelled out (without the drugs).

Most things I read on the internet don't touch me. I usually don't care. So when I say that when you said you just wanted someone to love you, and make you his, I wanted to give you this huge hug, believe me. I understand what it's like to feel so invested in someone that it means the world... but nobody should have to be loved... it took me a long time to realize that I have enough love within me for myself... I can survive on love of myself. We all have that capactiy to love ourselves. Do I still get great enjoyment out of giving and recieving love? Of course... we all do. And we all lash out at those people from time to time... my suggestion is to try to distance yourself from the situation a little, look at it objectively. You'll be able to see more clearly where you've been acting reasonably and where you haven't, and be able to change your behavior into what you want it to be from there. It takes time, and it's hard.... but just remember, things always get better. I'm not lying to you... for every down, there is an up... keep that in mind.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

Midnitesun
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since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


2 posted 03-09-2002 03:05 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

I'm glad Hush didn't stay quiet on this one. Give yourself more time, not drugs. The drugs only compound the problem. That's my unprofessional but first-person opinion. Drugs can smooth the rough edges, but they don't do much to really get you to a better place in the long run, and some people become dependent totally upon them. If you like to write or paint, or do things in 3D, such as making sculptures or mobiles, those Rx's will last you a lifetime. And love yourself. Try not to be dependent upon another person to fulfill you. BTW, I've read some of your poetry. You are a great writer! Please keep penning original thoughts, and know that you have many, many friends here at Pips. Hugs, and feel free to email me anytime. I might not have a PC or Internet this summer, but I'm here now.

[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (03-09-2002 03:07 PM).]

anonymousfemale
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 6304
Limbo


3 posted 03-10-2002 02:12 AM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale



Rhonda, as a veteran of the medical world, you don't need pills as such to complete or stop those thoughts running around in your head. Brain chemistry is another matter and often does need medication for a short period of time but if you're willing to take the extra length in therapy, you can do it without the drugs. It'll just take a longer time to sort through the emotions and problems. That's not a bad thing.

With Andrew, well only you two can sort that out but I hope that things don't go downhill any further for you. It's a very long hard climb out of hell, Rhonda and I don't want you sliding any further.

Try not to focus on "normal". You can't define normal in terms of medically normal because the generalisation is far too broad.

Now, *rolls up sleeves* the getting help part. The only person that knows what kind of treatment you need is yourself. You'll find that it is far more rewarding personally if you seek this Doctor out on your own. I do believe in making yourself happy but sometimes when you're so far down, you need a ladder to start climbing again. Think of the Doc as the ladder and not the person that dishes out the pills to numb you. If you want a psyciatrist, I suggest checking out with shrinks that specialise in certain areas. For you case it would be depression. You'll also find that many child/adolescent psychs. are infiniately better than those that only deal with adults. I'm aware that you're 18 and technically an adult but test that theory out. I haven't been a child in 10 years but my doc specialises in teen/child psychiatry. Also don't forget that it can take a little while to find the right doctor to suit your needs. Do not despair though. There is often a light at the end of every tunnel.

Look after yourself Rhonda and if you ever need to talk, email me. You deserve to feel something more than this and I sincerely hope that you begin to feel better soon.


"Sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy." - Susanna Kaysen

Kit McCallum
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since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


4 posted 03-10-2002 07:23 AM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

Although the idea of drugs to assist in clinical depression may not sound like an attractive proposition to you Rhonda, if prescribed by a medical doctor, it is likely the "right" proposition. My brother has clinical depression, and the drugs he was prescribed have made a big difference in both his life, and those around him. Another person close to me was also diagnosed with clinical depression recently, and after four weeks of therapy, the difference in her demeanor and outlook on life has been  rewarding.

Clinical depression is a biological issue - a chemical imbalance in the brain that is taking place. This is as medically "real" as a broken arm, or a visible wound. With proper doctor's care, you can be assessed and treated, as it appears you have done, and I applaud you for that. If drugs are an option suggested by your doctor, and you have issues or questions about taking them ... speak directly with your doctor, and ask him as many questions as you need to, to be comfortable understanding the drug and course of therapy he is prescribing.

Take care Rhonda ... big hugs to you,
PoetryIsLife
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since 10-27-2001
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...in my boxers...


5 posted 03-11-2002 01:09 AM       View Profile for PoetryIsLife   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PoetryIsLife

With everything that happened today, I'm browsing pip to keep sain while I wait... able to do nothing. I don't feel up to posting a deep reply, I just wanted to say that I am always here for you, as you already know. You are a dear friend to me, and I don't take that lightly. Much love...

~ Titus

"The bunnies going down tonight!!"
                     -Cherish

Opeth
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since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


6 posted 03-12-2002 02:48 PM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

Skyfire,

You do not give enough specifics as to why you feel the way you do. Without knowing the specifics, nobody can give you reliable advice for what you are going through.

"I can't handle this anymore!!! Too much stress and pain and confusion!"


- What are you stressing and confused over?

"I finally go to talk to someone about what's going on in my head and everything just seems to get worse!"


- Whom did you talk to? What does that person mean to you? Why do you think it is worse after talking with the person?

"I shouldn't need drugs to get my mind back to "normal."


- What type of drugs? Who says you need drugs?

"I just want to be a normal person with normal feelings and normal "brain chemistry". I don't want to be depressed anymore..."


- What is being a normal person to you?

"I just want someone to love me and to make me his... I'm sick of all this uncertainty and doubt..."


- Uncertainty in your romantic relationship? Love you in what way?

"I need help but I don't know where to turn anymore."


- This, I can give advice on. As a start, seek those that love you and care for you.

"My moods are up and down and in between, and I'm lashing out at the people I love most."


- I don't know what you consider to be "lashing out" describe your lashings.  As for mood swings, they are normal, but again what type of mood swings do you go through?

"I'm scared to death that I'm going to say something to Andrew that I don't mean, and then I'll lose him forever... If anyone could give me any suggestions on where to get help I'd really appreciate it. I just want to get better."


- Maybe you are the one who is okay and those around you or a person who is close to you is not. Without all the info, I nor anyone else could provide viable suggestions for any type of action for you to take.

However, in general, illegal drug usage is not going to solve your problem (not saying you are taking them, this is general advice). Violence or fighting fire with fire never will help. Believing in yourself is always good to do.

That is not much advice, but that is all I can give with what I know of your predicament.

Good luck.

[This message has been edited by Opeth (03-12-2002 02:50 PM).]

Mysteria
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7 posted 03-12-2002 03:26 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Skyfire, the best person to talk to is your doctor, and tell him how you feel about medications.  I have to agree with Kit though, sometimes we do need a little "crutch" just to get us through a bad period, and the weather and being depressed gets us down and moody.  I bet he will understand if you talk to him, as really no one knows how you really feel but yourself, right?  The only person unfortunately that can take care of it is you, and I wish you luck in finding your smile again, because on your picture you are beaming.

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.
  ~* Albert Einstein *~

Skyfire
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8 posted 03-12-2002 11:47 PM       View Profile for Skyfire   Email Skyfire   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfire

*grins* Well, since I can talk about this stuff without crying now I decided I'd mosey on in here an give an update, and a little clarification. I wasn't very coherant the night I wrote the first post.
I couldn't handle life anymore. Work was stressing me, family was driving me out of my mind, and I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff looking down; all I could see were black clouds. I had just about given up on life completely; I was so ready to do something drastic. Why didn't I? *shrugs* I don't know. Maybe because I knew, deep down, that if I gave up I'd be disappointed in myself. Maybe because of all the people I knew I'd be leaving behind. I honestly couldn't tell you. I can't even tell myself why I didn't give up.
I had gone to talk to my school counsellor, who is such a gem, and it seemed like everything I had talked about became three thousand times worse, and I didn't feel like I could deal with it. I dragged myself over to my doctors office, and he put me on anti-depressants (I've been diagnosed as "chronically moderately clinically depressed. Try saying that ten times fast ), and the Pill, to try and even out my radical mood swings. One minute I'd be perfectly fine, the next, I'd hate life and everything in it. So I'm on the anti-deps, as I call 'em, and the Pill. The day after I start the Pill I get horribly sick, and I was so sore... If someone touched me, I'd be in agony. So I went to the doc, and he said that it was an uncommon side effect of the extra estrogen being suddenly thrown into my body. Trust me to come up with some side effect that is so rare they don't even put it on the warning. *grins* I was upset about being on the anti-deps in the first place, as all my life I've had this "Rhonda can do anything... all by herself" thing going on. As for my wanting someone to love me an make me his? Well for some reason that evening I wouldn't let myself believe that Andrew loves me. I don't know why, but I felt I was all alone. During this time, my moods were making me be a total... cow... to put it nicely. I was scared that I was going to say the wrong thing to Andrew, or that he was going to find out that another guy loved me (which I found out today that he already had suspicions about). I felt guilty, like I was cheating on him, and I felt dirty for some reason. Maybe it was because I already had this awesome guy ready to do anything for me, and I had to go and cause another guy to fall for me. Bleh. Anyway, I was terrified that I was going to do something that would make him leave me. But I've since realised that if he had left me, he didn't love me in the first place.
My body has since gotten used to the extra hormones, and my moods are... not mellow, but... calmer. They're more organized. I lost my job, which isn't really all that bad (actually it's quite good), and I have an interview tomorrow after school. I've started to lean on Andrew more. Probably more than I should, but he says he's there for me, so I'm going to be using him to help me get through this. Life isn't a basket of roses... not even close yet. But the key word is "yet". I'm going to get better, and I'm going to be able to live a "normal" life one day. I refuse to be beaten. Thank you, all of you, for your help and advice. It meant so much to me this last week to see that people actually care about me and how I'm feeling. Thanks again!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Mysteria
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9 posted 03-13-2002 11:29 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Honey give the pill time to work too I bet the doctor told you 6-10 days you would be feeling better right?  And, if Andrew said to lean on him - lean on him, sometimes when we get down we feel we don't want anyone to help us as we are in an uncomfortable place and don't want anyone in it but I speak from experience here, that is someone has offered to help see you through a "down period" that is wonderful and that means that they really care about you and take you just the way you are, see?  And, don't be afraid to share here, as yes there are people that do care, and I for one know you will get through this as you were responsible enough to take action to take care of yourself - good for you girl!  I hope you are going to be feeling way better when they meds fully kick in, and I send you a big hug.

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.
  ~* Albert Einstein *~

 
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