Fell in luv with nothing in return (need advice)

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krillin_boi

Unregistered

New Member
Posts 1

0 posted 2002-02-19 04:10 AM

Ok..here's da scoop on me

I fell in love with this girl last year who is very special to me and i would do anything just to make her happy. We nevered offically went out or anything but she knows i really like her.

It was doing fine last year until we kept constantly get into little fights here and there and then she gave me the talk that we will never BF and GF. So after May we gave each other space and haven't talk till like a month ago.

That month when she started to talk to me again i felt like maybe this is gonna be it,we hanged out every week, i go to her basketball games, watched movies together, everything was going uphill until she gave me the friends talk, how it will never be more then just friends and after that i have been so upset but her friends told me she was really upset. She just doesn't want me to get hurt later on but she already hurted me by letting me know this. She really cares about me and all but just knowing the fact that we will never be is killing me inside.

She still wants to be real good friends with me but the question is do i really want to be real good friends with her knowing the fact that my hopes and dreams will never come true. I would do anything to make her happy but would i sacrafice my feelings for her just to see her happy and make me sad. She told the friend talk because she doesn't want me to think that she's leading me on. So i told her let's just pretend we never met but her friends told me she is really upset and i don't want that at all. But should i play along and act like we're just friends even though inside of me i want more. I know that i can not always have what i want but i just think it is not fair for me that she nevered gave me a chance to go out with her.

I can't stop what i feel for her but do i have to hide my feelings for her just so she can thrive and be happy while i'll end up being miserable. Or do i pretend i never met her my whole life and she'll end up being sad that she's losing such a great "friend" while i'm going to feel that i just lost the most important being in my life though it doesn't matter because we're just all we'll ever be is just friends.
I really need help...

Apachecat906
Member

since 2001-09-04

Posts 217
Michigan, USA

1 posted 2002-02-19 03:58 PM

I am going to reply, but please keep in mind that it is only from my life experience that I respond. I was in the exact same situation as this girl of yours a few years back. I told the guy over and over that all I could be was friends. I tried to be the best I could at being friends, but by the fact that I spent time with him and talked to him I ended up making him miserable. Which I feel bad for. But, the point is this. I told him I would hurt him if we became a couple and I didn't want that, I was being honest with him. I did end up getting involved with him, but more cuz he was there than because it was what I truely wanted. So, what Im saying to you is, if you want to stay friends thats fine, but respect that you guys are ONLY friends and act like one dont try to push her, otherwise maybe you will both end up hurt. The only other suggestion I have is to ask her "Why?" and maybe her answer will be something you can work with. Otherwise, just let it go. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, especially when it comes to love. If you feel you can't be satisfied just being friends you might have to tell her this and then move on. Sorry if thats not what you want to hear, but in the long run, if someone tells you they feel a certain way, odds are they do. But, hey, its only my opinion

Good luck.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

2 posted 2002-02-21 02:59 AM

"She still wants to be real good friends with me but the question is do i really want to be real good friends with her knowing the fact that my hopes and dreams will never come true"

trust me here, REMAIN friends...im sure she cares for you deeply, if you dont hold her heart then there is no reason for you to let go of that wonderful bond you already have. im sure, if youre both really close, then it would hurt her jsut as much if you broke it off with her. *hugs* i hope things work out with you

Zombie

Torn are her limbs
By quiet hands that
Tug life(color) out of her.
Gnawing edges round
Into a broken(satisfying)
Shadow

Apachecat906
Member

since 2001-09-04

Posts 217
Michigan, USA

3 posted 2002-02-21 09:01 AM

I guess I sounded more harsh than I meant to. What I meant by letting it go was letting the idea of being a couple go, not necessarily the friendship. Good friends are as hard to find as good love. In my case I lost both, and I'm just not wanting you to push her into that.

Take care

Elizabeth Cor
Senior Member

since 2000-10-13

Posts 879
Over the river and through the woods

4 posted 2002-02-21 11:44 AM

  Hmmm.

  Well, I’ve realized something in this short little time of mine: if you refuse to welcome a person into your realm except when they conform to one and only one role in your life, then your interest is not actually in the person -- it’s in your idea of them, or what facet of your life that idea will fill. In the relationship sense (this is drastically generalized and will
probably get me into trouble, but ahh well), it usually means you’re searching for some ideal that will replenish that empty, lonely narrow chasm in your heart/mind/soul -- not an actual person -- an idea, a beautiful, fantastical concept. You’re looking to use that person to make YOU something more; THAT is the motivation at its base.

   Assuming a person will transform into exactly what you want them to be, or  carrying on a connection based solely on the prospects of impractical expansion ( and without contentment in the NOW), is commonly a direct way for setting yourself up for grief and disappointment... and a lot of waiting.

   It’s a hard lesson, but I’ve learned it: you take people as they come and love them as they are, not accept them only when they meet your prerequisite expectations (OR continue to keep contact with them and judge/berate them with the latter never happens).

As for what to do with those unrequited/ obligatorily concealed feelings? Heh. I haven’t found a cure for that one yet... suck it up and cope? ~shaking head~ No one ever said life was easy...

Good luck with this...

Jamie
Member Elite

since 2000-06-26

Posts 3168
Blue Heaven

5 posted 2002-02-21 03:02 PM

Have to agree with Ms Cor.

It is very difficult to swallow your pride and accept that someone doesn't love you in the sense you love them- or in the manner you would like for them to, but...once you have done so ( and managed to keep it down..lol) you will find a friendship unlike any other you have ever found. At least I have found this to be true in my life. Somehow my exwife and I have became much better friends in the years since our divorce than we ever were in our marriage--and we were very good friends even then.

Hope it works for ya!

J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

6 posted 2002-02-21 05:32 PM

I see the people above me have already given you some good advice. All I can tell you is that FRIENDSHIP lasts longer than relationships!

aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

7 posted 2002-02-21 10:29 PM

Hey finally a bitter soul like myself. I am in the exact same predicament right now as we speak. It really sux huh bro. I really have come to care for this girl and we have this amazing chemestry, but she has a B/F. She hasn't yet given me the friends talk but I know what she thinking. I can just tell. I look in her eyes and i can tell what she's thinking and feeling. I can't tell you what to do. It's much to hard of a situation. In my case I promised her I would stay friends with her no matter what happened. It hurts so much to see her with her b/f yet I know thats what makes her happy and that's what I want for her. to be happy, even if it's not me who can do it. Truthfully my best advice would be to look inside yourself and find out how much you care for her. Do you only want to be with her and care for her for your own benefit? If that's the case then you should just pack up and leave and say see ya around hun, I don't need this in my life. OR do you want to be with her and care for her for HER benefit. If that's the case then let her know your feelings and tell her they will never change. Then tell her that altough it may hurt to be her friend, you still cherish her friendship over not having her in your life. Let her see how much you care for HER and not just for yourself. Chances are it's never going to change and you will never get with her but that's not the point if you said earlier that you care for her for her benefit. You are doing what any true romantic would do. You think about the other person first. You try to make them happy over your own self. That's what caring for somebody else is all about. I hope things work out for you. I hope you can come to a decision about what to do. My decsion was that i would stay friends with her no matter what happened because i knew it would hurt her if I decided to end our friendship. My own hurts are nothing when I can see her smile.

ex animo,
Aaron

There are no great men, only men in great circumstances.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

8 posted 2002-02-22 09:10 PM

You can never have too many good friends. A good honest friendship can outlast many BF/GF relationships. Hang in there, but don't push. Pushing puts the object or person further away from you, not closer.

butterflykiss989
Member

since 2002-02-19

Posts 52

9 posted 2002-02-23 10:27 PM

Well I am on the other side of the coin in your situation I was the girl for along time. Me and this boy were friends for two and a half years and the whole time he was convinced he loved me. I though felt nothing more then friendship for him. I loved him so much but not in the way he loved me. I realize now that everyday we spent time together it tore him and apart and everytime he seen me with another guy his heart would break all over agian. Believe me when I say though that it hurt me just as bad to tell him we could never be more than friends as it did for him to hear me say it. Me and him are not friends now circumstances would not allow it I guess but I miss him and I think about him all the time. I blame myself for the way things ended up I waited to long I guess to explain to him my reasons for not being with him. My advice to you is this she is hurting just as bad as you and that means that she cares about you alot. A person can not decide who they will have feelings for and what those feelings will consist of so do not hold it against her that she does not feel the same way you do. Think about the future if you care about her so badly do you really want to discontinue your friendship? Sure right now it may make you sad that the two of you are not together but can you imajine a life without her and how horrible that would be. Give things time and you will come to realize that girlfiends and boyfriends come and go especially when you are young but friends they can and good ones will last forever.

Moon Dust

Member Elite

since 1999-06-11

Posts 2177
Skelmersdale, UK

10 posted 2002-02-26 08:53 PM

I know it seems harsh and it hurts a lot but the only thing to do is move on. I think it would hurt her to say you wernt friends anymore. I know because i've been in both situations and it anit easy in either one.

Write what you feel, feel what you wrtie.

The Lonely Stranger
Member

since 1999-06-18

Posts 361
Upstate, NY, USA

11 posted 2002-05-11 05:01 PM

My friend ... I have been where you are. She can go after .... catch .....and be crushed by the men that she calls "dating material" while overlooking you and keeping you at arms length. You are good for spilling tears on .... an occassional free meal and some laughs (she depends on you for that when adonis lets her down) .... If you are okay with that then go on with the "friendship" I myself choose not to be an emotional bandaid. Been that so much that I've lost my stickyness. Sorry if that sounded harsh, but life has made me who I am. :-)

No one ever listened themselves into trouble.

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