Member Rara Avis
I suppose I'm feeling a bit mixed up. Yesterday, my Great Grandmother passed away. She had a heart attack (which seems to be what has claimed what few members of my family I have lost so far). She was 88 years old. I remember very little about her from my childhood, and the memories I do have are sweet ones. My Mom called me last night to tell me (it was her Grandmother) and she seemed to be peaceful enough about it. She says she has a peace about the death because she feels that her Grandmother is in Heaven now, and that she just didn't feel like she could make the funeral. One reason because of finances and the other reason because she says she just doesn't want to see her Grandmother in a coffin. *sigh* I have a sadness about this, but no great breaking down into tears or anything? Is this wrong? I'm frustrated with myself because I feel like I should be breaking or something. But WHY do I feel this way? Sometimes it feels like I think its necessary to do the feeling that everyone else seems to hold inside. I think my Mother, although she has peace about it, is not letting on about how much it bothers her. I can't make it to the funeral, and when I spoke to family members in Arkansas last night (those closest to my Great Grandmother) it was sort of exhuasting and something that I really did not want to do. I felt, by getting exhausted, that I was being selfish.
I'm rambling here. I really don't know what to say. I mean...I'm here...at the library when perhaps I should be grieving for a lost relative...but I haven't spent enough time with her to consider her close....and it makes me sad to think that out of all the family we have spread so far, that any part of that family could become a distant group...but I suppose that is the way life is.
Maybe its time for this 25 year old girl to wake up, eh?
I feel a mixture of sadness for the loss and unexplained anger with myself. I don't understand any of it right now.
thanks for listening.