British Columbia, Canada
I read this thread with a lot of interest having been married three times and been involved in a lot of relationships both good and bad, I enjoyed the comments here. It was only the other night that Nan, Elizabeth, Melissa and I were talking of these very things actually. I have to add my two cents to all of this if I may. I majored in psychology and used that to manipulate getting a man into my life many a time, and found that theory and the practical never mixed! I have to disagree that you can’t choose whom you wish to love (as I have done that), and with a great deal of success I might add, and have also chosen whom not to love (with a great deal of regret). When younger I had a standard checklist a man had to meet, and if they didn’t – well they didn’t qualify, now how darn vane is that? Being older now I don’t’ believe in “love at first sight” anymore, that is for the young as it can just hormones running rampant. What I do believe in now is that I see someone with qualities that I admire and hope that my respect for them will turn into a love that lasts, but that takes work! I am well aware of what turns me on, and if they “turn me on” it is worth a shot at perusing. That is what I think people today forget. They have to know what they want in a partner, not just sexual, but all other aspects of that partner contributing to making them feel just a little more complete (my thoughts anyway). They should make it so easy to get divorced and hard as hell to get married and there would be more couples with 50th wedding anniversaries. The main thing I have learned through many relationships is this, “ Love should never hurt!” The second thing is that communication has to be open and honest.
Ron, I could not agree with you more about people moving from one bad relationship to the next, picking the same kind of person, over and over. That is a flaw in themselves of not thinking they are worthy of any better than the same kind of toxic person they picked before. There is an incredible book called, “Women Who Love Too Much” that explains this the best way I have ever heard and it is excellent for both sexes to read. However, sometimes someone comes along that loves a person just they way they are, and due to their own issues with self-worth, they let a perfectly good relationship slip right through their “heart” because they don’t believe it will work, and they didn’t even take a risk at trying, now to me that is sad.
I loved the analogy to the grocery store, now how true is that? To take it even a step further, if people would put as much thought into what they really want out of a partner as they do their home stereo system, maybe then we would hear about happily marriages or relationships more often. My daughter in law waited four years to “trap” my son as she knew what she wanted, and finally after being together another 9 years, they only got married at his asking, when my first granddaughter was born, and now have been happily married for 14 years. I have to tell you the funniest part…they got married in the Caribbean and Brenda tore her Achilles tendon a week before they were to leave, and my son wanted to postpone it. She insisted on going as she said she had waited all these years and if she had to crawl there to get married that is what she would do – LOL!
Sharon, some of the very things you mentioned I heard from Nan and Mel, the same exact words as to what they wanted in a man and a relationship. It seems you all want that “twinkle in the eye” and that integrity and compassion in a man, more than esthetics. I can remember the days when I would not even date a man unless he was 6’2” at least, and good looking, pretty shallow isn’t it? Now, like you, Nan and Mel, the comfort of their company is the most important thing to me. I guess because I have “aged” I know the difference between instant love and being in love and know that if you have all the right things on “your grocery list”, then you have the fixings for something to make out of the ingredients that lasts, but I also know this is one instance you need, “two chefs in the kitchen”.
As a last thing, and I know this is long-winded, brother am I glad I did my research back then, as you are playing Russian Roulette these days, so I wanted to add that to the chain here, to be very, very careful as well.
~*~ May the spirit of this season live in your heart all year through ~*~