Never close enough
My daddy used to call me a worry wart...he said that I worried about stuff that didn't concern me and that I should spend more time doing more constuctive things.
Funny how now, I look back on that and I wonder If maybe he knew something about my future that I didn't. I am now 28 years old and I worry about everything from what color of socks I will put on my children for school to what the National Deficit stands at.
It's a curse I tell ya, to worry all the time about everything, my fiancee' God Bless his sweet heart, says that I am going to worry myself into a rubber room.
All of that worrying comes from a place deep inside that even though I try to conquer it's exsistance, it is still there. Nine years in an emotionally abusive marriage and worrying about where food and diapers would come from has scared me senseless.
I feel guilty for "hoarding" cans goods in the kitchen cubbard, but because me and my little ones have had to wonder where our next meal would come from....this is a demon that lives deep within.
Worrying whether or not the lights or the water will be turned off, and whether or not we would be cold on a January night still haunts me.
I know that I am in good hands now, and that this wonderful, beautiful, God sent man that I will soon marry, will take very good care of us still doesn't rid me of these feelings that like I said before...live deep within.
I look at the father of my children (my ex-husband) and I see him doing and buying for his newest victim and there child and living in the nice house and all of this and I wonder...what was it about me that didn't deserve that kind of treatment.
I try not to let it bother me, but it does because I hate to think of all the times that our lives were hell and now all of a sudden he wants to be the perfect dad and man.
But then again...I look on the brighter side and I think that had he not been the way he was, then I would have never left him, and started a new life for me and my children. Had all of the bad never happened then I never would have met the love of my life, and known what it was like to smile and be happy to come home from work everyday, and not be afraid to go to sleep at night.
Funny how things happen to a person, I tell my fiance' all the time that I waited my whole life to meet him, and finding him was a long, hard, painful road...but I am so greatful that I had the stregth to make it down that bumpy road.
I think of my life sometimes and it reminds me of something I read in a book by Sarah Ban Breathnach called Something More...she said and I quote
"At some point your core gets shatterd, and you hit rock bottom. Finally you look up, asking for help. Maybe even being grateful. You're grateful you're still alive to work through whatever spiritual assignment you brought with you into the world. Being grateful. That's the first step to the path of joy."
"How many converstions would I have started but finished if I had known I possessed a warrior's heart? I wish I'd known that I'd been born to take on the world; I wouldn't have run from it for so long, but run towards it with open arms."
I read that book right before I embarked on that journey which pulled me out of a bad relationship and led me towards the love of a lifetime.
Even still...I seem to not be able to conquer this habit of worrying about everything?
I have even been to the docter because I thought that I was in the early stages of some terrible mental disease and his words to me were..."You worry to much."
So basically, I paid him seventy-dollars to tell me what my daddy knew when I was 9.
I guess I will close in saying that sometimes late at night I remember what my Grandmother told me as she lay dying, for at the time I thought she was talking out of her head...and now it seems as though she was telling me something that might just cure the curse that lies within.
"Sweet girl...don't live life in the rearveiw mirror."
Till we meet again I guess.
God Bless Y'all
Have childlike faith...and laugh accordingly.
[This message has been edited by timothysangel1973 (edited 12-05-2001).]