My heart aches for you. One thing I will tell you. Sometimes professional help is wonderful and needed but there's no replacement for loving yourself. Tell yourself the truth-about yourself, even if means you don't like it. If you can honestly feel worthy and believe you ARE,
you will be happy no matter what anyone does, says, reacts, gives or doesn't give.
Your happiness will no longer depend on circumstance, someone living or dying, the state of the world, bombs going off, destruction and depression.
Because if INSIDE you have a peace you can and will be ok. Now, I know this all sounds real easy. I know what I"m speaking about.
Don't ever put your happiness or base your happiness on others. Love yes, give yes,
but do not and I mean this, do not base your well being on others because people leave, die, go away, move...it's life.
But above all, you won't receive good counseling online. I'm sorry, it doesn't work. People need a human touch, the eye contact, one on one, IN PERSON.
I hope this helps because it's honest advice and it worked for me.
"Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently."