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my marriage..my dream

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rascalx
Senior Member
since 08-25-99
Posts 604
Florence, SC, USA


0 posted 06-09-2001 02:00 PM       View Profile for rascalx   Email rascalx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit rascalx's Home Page   View IP for rascalx

Hi guys! This is the first time I've posted in this forum. I normally can be found in the poetry forums and once in a great while I submit something to the prose site but I'm not one to comfortably express my feelings in a discussion format. To me, it's too close to letting someone read a diary. But this piece seems to have a mind of it's own so I've decided to post it here. I wrote this almost a year ago and subsequently forgot about it. Since then, it's been turning up periodically in the strangest places. Maybe Someone upstairs is trying to tell me something, I don't know lol. But my feelings about my failing marriage and what it's doing to her and I are still the same so I'm posting this here in the hopes that someone out there will offer me some suggestions and/or solace because I'm at the end of my rope and I'm starting to believe that it's truly over and nothing I do will change that.
                                - Jeff
----------------------------------------------------

     On the way to work, I was driving behind a car of newlyweds. They were in a rental car, obviously here at the beach for their honeymoon. They were cuddly and snuggly, kissing each other often, making little romantic touches here and there, obviously saying endearing and loving things to each other as they drove down this brand new road in their lives. And immediately I was angry and bitter and I wanted to pull them over and scream out the window at them: "STOP! It won't last! The happiness you feel right now and the passion between you and that star sparkly look you see in each other's eyes... it won't last! The butterflies when you kiss... the tingle you get when you hold each other's hands... it is only temporary. Soon enough you will be a bunch of old fuddie duddies who barely talk and have routine robotic sex if you have sex at all... and whose conversations are no more meaningful than the idle TV chatter you watch from your vantage point on the sofa. Stop now while you still have a chance!" And then I realized why I was so determined to rain on their parade. Because I was jealous! I was so jealous of what they had, I could taste it! I've been with the same woman for 15 years, married for 10; and her and I have lost whatever romantic spark was between us and it is killing me. Because I still love her so much. My heart still skips a beat when I see her and her beauty still captivates me. I am still so entranced by her intellect and her wit and her sometimes silly goofy charm... I am still very much in love with the woman I married. But we've lost that honeymooner's bliss... and it is eating me up inside because I want it back so much but I feel powerless to do anything about it. We fight so much anymore and I hate myself for some of the things that I say to her. I was never this bitter before.. but now I greet anything she says with skepticism and mistrust. I ask for her time and affection and when I don't get it, I become this horrible monster ready to lash out with all of the hatred I can muster from whatever dark place I hide it in. I know that I should just keep silent because arguing with her is senseless especially when the reasons she is "ignoring" me have nothing to do with me and more to do with her. She is stressed... too stressed with all of the gazillion things she brings on herself, but I can't force her not to do them, especially when her intentions are so good, like the Scouting and the sports stuff for the children. And I am so proud of her abilities. but I can't help my feelings. I need her; and my own insecurities don't help the situation. I want her to view me the same way I view her and I am so quick to believe that she doesn't love me when she turns me down because of the inadequacies I see in myself. I think I am ugly and undesirable and every time she doesn't want to make love to me or doesn't do it with the same fervor and passion as before, I'm convinced that it's another nail in the coffin of our relationship. I am so scared that she doesn't love me and desire me anymore that I don't know how to react to the things she says and does. I don't want to wake up one day with the realization that the woman I have poured so much of myself into doesn't love me anymore. So I fight and struggle to hang on to something with every tooth and nail desperate grasp that I can. And when I finally get disgusted with my own neediness, I turn away from her and sulk in my bitterness, unwilling to bend or give an inch for fear of being hurt or appearing like it doesn't bother me. I have to play the role of the wounded man for fear that if I just shrug off the times that she doesn't pay attention to me that she will think that it's OK..when inside I am crying out "PLEASE! Love me! Talk to me! Listen to me! Desire me! Here I am! Don't push me away when I am trying so hard to be everything that you want me to be!" I just wish that I could make her understand these feelings.  
catalinamoon
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 06-03-2000
Posts 9897
The Shores of Alone


1 posted 06-09-2001 10:15 PM       View Profile for catalinamoon   Email catalinamoon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit catalinamoon's Home Page   View IP for catalinamoon

Hi, I wish I had an answer to this feeling, it has happened to me in two marriages. I don't understand, and I am bitter too. And jealous when I see my best friend in a new and wonderful happy love. And then I am feeling guilty for being jealous. As I am a woman who feels uncared for,though in fact I may not be, this is my only advice. Tell her how you feel, all of it. Give her the story, or just sit down and look in her eyes and tell her. She may be feeling the same way too. Often people don't approach eachother with their true feelings, out of fear, or just plain not knowing how. But it looks like you know just what is bothering you, and what you really want, and if you tell her, maybe she will be responsive. Good luck, and listen to this one thing..Never give up. I am so close sometimes to giving up on my entire life, but a spark of strength pulls me out. I can see you have that, so hang on. And if this love turns out to have no future, there will be another down the road, with all of the wonderful things we all deserve.
Take care.
Sandra
rascalx
Senior Member
since 08-25-99
Posts 604
Florence, SC, USA


2 posted 06-10-2001 09:19 PM       View Profile for rascalx   Email rascalx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit rascalx's Home Page   View IP for rascalx

Sandra,

     Thank you for your response. It's sad but it's also nice to know that there is someone else out there who knows exactly what I am talking about and going through. And to think you went through TWO marriages of this! I couldn't imagine dealing with this kind of pain and frustration more than once! Your advice is wonderful. Unfortunately, I've already had this discussion with her several times. Each time I'm met with the same response - "Jeff, I am happy the way things are! It's YOU who have the problem! You are letting your insecurities and selfish needs get in the way of our relationship! I love you and us just the way we are! Stop pushing me for something that is not missing in the first place!" And then I'm just forced to shake my head in frustration and wonder, if I'm the problem, then why am I still left alone and ignored time after time! She swears she loves me and shows it all the time but I just don't see it and I don't think I have selective sight! Yes, she is a fantastic mother and hard worker and those are ways that show her love, but I just can't see how she is being such a great wife!
     And you're right! I should remember that I am a beautiful person in my own right and that surely there is someone else out there who would see that beauty and take it into their own heart. But it is so damn frustrating, disheartening, and scary to realize that divorce may be the only answer! I just keep hoping there is another solution that I haven't found yet. I just wonder if I'm being a hopeless optimist instead of a realist?
    
catalinamoon
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 06-03-2000
Posts 9897
The Shores of Alone


3 posted 06-11-2001 09:43 AM       View Profile for catalinamoon   Email catalinamoon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit catalinamoon's Home Page   View IP for catalinamoon

HI again, you are sure in a tough space. And as I said, I am no better off, so I can't give the greatest of answers. But optimism is always good, I think. However, there is a point,(I am reaching it myself, so I know), when if your needs are not met, in many ways, and you have done everything you can do to change that, that you do what is right for you. This may be to leave the relationship, or it may be to resolve to be happy without the special type of love you really yearn for. Neither is a great option. And with children involved, I am sure it is much more complex. Good luck.
Sandra
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


4 posted 06-11-2001 11:21 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

It sounds as if you have children and all of that which goes with a marriage...a lot to save....

so the question arises, have you tried counseling?

and that beast that rears it's ugly head when you get frustrated? Tell it to take a hike, and try to deal with this a little more rationally, and perhaps she won't turn away from the beast that she sees....

ironic, too, how I don't see you pull up any of her "bad sides", only yours....with the exception that she heaps a lot onto her plate of things to do....

maybe she likes it that way....are you not as involved as you could be?

These are only questions, as several people have gone through this before, and I am not taking sides,...

only asking questions.....

and wishing you BOTH the very best....
 
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