Florence, SC, USA
Hi guys! This is the first time I've posted in this forum. I normally can be found in the poetry forums and once in a great while I submit something to the prose site but I'm not one to comfortably express my feelings in a discussion format. To me, it's too close to letting someone read a diary. But this piece seems to have a mind of it's own so I've decided to post it here. I wrote this almost a year ago and subsequently forgot about it. Since then, it's been turning up periodically in the strangest places. Maybe Someone upstairs is trying to tell me something, I don't know lol. But my feelings about my failing marriage and what it's doing to her and I are still the same so I'm posting this here in the hopes that someone out there will offer me some suggestions and/or solace because I'm at the end of my rope and I'm starting to believe that it's truly over and nothing I do will change that.
On the way to work, I was driving behind a car of newlyweds. They were in a rental car, obviously here at the beach for their honeymoon. They were cuddly and snuggly, kissing each other often, making little romantic touches here and there, obviously saying endearing and loving things to each other as they drove down this brand new road in their lives. And immediately I was angry and bitter and I wanted to pull them over and scream out the window at them: "STOP! It won't last! The happiness you feel right now and the passion between you and that star sparkly look you see in each other's eyes... it won't last! The butterflies when you kiss... the tingle you get when you hold each other's hands... it is only temporary. Soon enough you will be a bunch of old fuddie duddies who barely talk and have routine robotic sex if you have sex at all... and whose conversations are no more meaningful than the idle TV chatter you watch from your vantage point on the sofa. Stop now while you still have a chance!" And then I realized why I was so determined to rain on their parade. Because I was jealous! I was so jealous of what they had, I could taste it! I've been with the same woman for 15 years, married for 10; and her and I have lost whatever romantic spark was between us and it is killing me. Because I still love her so much. My heart still skips a beat when I see her and her beauty still captivates me. I am still so entranced by her intellect and her wit and her sometimes silly goofy charm... I am still very much in love with the woman I married. But we've lost that honeymooner's bliss... and it is eating me up inside because I want it back so much but I feel powerless to do anything about it. We fight so much anymore and I hate myself for some of the things that I say to her. I was never this bitter before.. but now I greet anything she says with skepticism and mistrust. I ask for her time and affection and when I don't get it, I become this horrible monster ready to lash out with all of the hatred I can muster from whatever dark place I hide it in. I know that I should just keep silent because arguing with her is senseless especially when the reasons she is "ignoring" me have nothing to do with me and more to do with her. She is stressed... too stressed with all of the gazillion things she brings on herself, but I can't force her not to do them, especially when her intentions are so good, like the Scouting and the sports stuff for the children. And I am so proud of her abilities. but I can't help my feelings. I need her; and my own insecurities don't help the situation. I want her to view me the same way I view her and I am so quick to believe that she doesn't love me when she turns me down because of the inadequacies I see in myself. I think I am ugly and undesirable and every time she doesn't want to make love to me or doesn't do it with the same fervor and passion as before, I'm convinced that it's another nail in the coffin of our relationship. I am so scared that she doesn't love me and desire me anymore that I don't know how to react to the things she says and does. I don't want to wake up one day with the realization that the woman I have poured so much of myself into doesn't love me anymore. So I fight and struggle to hang on to something with every tooth and nail desperate grasp that I can. And when I finally get disgusted with my own neediness, I turn away from her and sulk in my bitterness, unwilling to bend or give an inch for fear of being hurt or appearing like it doesn't bother me. I have to play the role of the wounded man for fear that if I just shrug off the times that she doesn't pay attention to me that she will think that it's OK..when inside I am crying out "PLEASE! Love me! Talk to me! Listen to me! Desire me! Here I am! Don't push me away when I am trying so hard to be everything that you want me to be!" I just wish that I could make her understand these feelings.