Somewhere in the vast wastelan
I love my life. When it come to love my understanding is limited. Some of you have heard parts of this story on here but I have had some things happen to me since then. So bear with me as I start from the begining.
It all started my freshman year of highschool about ten-and-a-half years ago. My church had been going through financial difficulties for a couple of years. Well that year a group from another church with similar beliefs joined the church. There was a complete structual and staffing overhaul. I really didn't care. I was doing my usual thing of observing all that was going on around me talking to very few people and mostly sitting by myself. I know that it was a Wednesday night service for the high school group. Anyway that night as I was sitting alone minding my own business I got a tickle in the back of my mind. You know the kind that tells you to pay attention because something important is about to happen. I then got this urge to look at the door because someone was comming. Who knows how I knew that, so I had to look. As I looked up "she" came through the door. I can't remember if our eyes met or not but when I saw her, it felt like a tiny electric charge in my heart and spred throughout my entire body. I can still remember that feeling. Through the next few week I actually wanted to got to church just for the chance to see her again. I didn't actually meet her for acouple of weeks atleast. I believe I was put into a study group with her and that is how we met. If I remember right we hit it off like we had know each other before. We would take endlessly. I don't know what about but we did talk and talk. She became my only best friend until my junior year when I met my other best friends. We were friends for about six-and-a-half years before I got my opprotunity to date her. There is fire in her touch and a sweetness in her voice that only a fertility goddess of Greece could have. When we started dating we set up some rules because above all we wanted to remain friends. Well after two of the best months of my life we started to cross one of those lines. It was just a little infraction but I knew from a previous relationship that it only gets worse from there. I should have talked to her about it but I couldn't. She was starting to have some emotional problems, I think she was concerned about one of her family members. There was my excuse and I used it. I told her that I could help her better as a friend than I could as a boyfriend, which wasn't true but hey it kept us from breaking more rules, right? The coward's way out. For that one I should be put into the lame hall of fame. But atlas I believe that the break needed to happen, as I look back on it. I spent the next year or so trying to get over her. I found that the less I had contact with her the less I though about her. But when I did have contact with her, all my emotions would flare up again. I have tried to get over her through every possible means cept hypnosis. I don't want to forget about her. She is my best friend. So it has been two years or so that I have been thinking that I was over her. Well my one of my other best friends got married. Well he is also a friend of her's so naturally she was invited too. I didn't expect that my heart would get that little jolt again but I swear it did and skipped a beat when I saw her. She has told me, what two or so years ago now, that she thinks of me as a brother and our relationship will never go to the girlfriend/boyfriend thing again. I believe her but it still doesn't stop that jolt of my heart. I want to know what is wrong with me. Maybe I shound consult WebMD.com or something. I am now back to square one cept that this time that email where she told me these things isn't doing anything for me this time. In simple terms I just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should just tell her one little detail I have left out for fear of being laughed at or appearing to be obsessive. I just don't know. I never want to lose her friendship but can I survive for the rest of my life like this.
One last thing before I end this book. If I really wanted her back I could have her back. I already know what I would have to say and do to get her back, but those things I just simply won't do. I have never liked, in fact I hate, manipulating people or seeing it happen. Which is why I am not a salesman. I could sell anything to anybody but I refuse to take advantage of people that way. Anyway I better go for now before I do something really rash and write an email without thinking it through. I've done it before and made an ass(named Jack) out of myself.
The White Wolf
PS Most poems I have post on here under this name and under the one that I no longer use are from her inspiring me, but I will never tell her that.