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Sven
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0 posted 04-11-2001 07:03 PM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

Can lovers go back to being friends when the relationship is over?

Discuss. . .

---------------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

inot2B
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1 posted 04-11-2001 07:26 PM       View Profile for inot2B   Email inot2B   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for inot2B

Yes and No! The truth is I've only had one  love and I couldn't imagine losing our love and then just becoming friends. It would be something drastic for me to stop loving him. If that happened then I'm not sure I could ever look him in the eye and say lets just be friends. Yet I've never been put in that situation so maybe I could, I doubt it!  Could not see myself talking with him about a new relationship I'd be having. No I've decided I would NOT be friends with him.
Poet deVine
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2 posted 04-11-2001 07:39 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Absolutely. But for some, absolutely not. I guess it depends on the people and the 'break up situation'. But it can be done, I've done it..but then I tend to forgive a lot to keep someone in my life that I care about.  
Sven
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3 posted 04-11-2001 07:43 PM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

What about when a new love is in the situation for one or both people??

And, how do you ignore the feelings that always seem to make this harder than it looks??

--------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

inot2B
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4 posted 04-11-2001 07:51 PM       View Profile for inot2B   Email inot2B   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for inot2B

I do not forgive and forget! Be darned if I'll stand by and watch!
Temptress
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5 posted 04-11-2001 10:53 PM       View Profile for Temptress   Email Temptress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Temptress

*sigh* I believe they can, but it IS very hard..but if they are truly friends...it will come.  

still d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t-e-d
I am bound by this, you see...to become Night's sole mistress, and I am jealous in my endeavours for his attention.

Lone Wolf
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6 posted 04-11-2001 11:34 PM       View Profile for Lone Wolf   Email Lone Wolf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lone Wolf

I'm not sure they can.  For that to happen, they would have to sit down and be completely truthful about the circumstances surrounding the break up.  If other people are involved by this time, then no it can't be done.  If there are feelings still then, they need to be brought out into the open and dealt with by both people involved.  The feelings could be mutual or maybe not.  I know that I could forgive, but you have to know what you are forgiving for first.  Then, a friendship would be a definite possibility.  Very intriguing question . . . both of them . . .

[This message has been edited by Lone Wolf (edited 04-11-2001).]

suthern
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7 posted 04-12-2001 10:10 AM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

I believe it depends entirely on the couple, as well as their unique situation... I've seen a lot of people fail to reclaim a friendship with a former lover... but all too often one or both is secretly harboring hopes that the love can be rekindled... or refusing to let go of their hurt and resentment. That seems to doom any efforts, even if they're deceiving themselves and believing they're making a sincere effort at friendship.

And one issue that really must be considered is whether a FRIENDSHIP really existed before the romance... or whether everything was prelude to love... If that person was truly your friend before love entered the picture and lust muddied the waters, there's more incentive to try... knowing you can't really go back to that innocent friendship you had but might come up with something even richer... for you literally know every flaw now... and still choose to accept. *S*

I count my ex-husband among my dearest friends, but it took WORK to get us to that point... and a lot of gut-wrenching honesty from both of us. It was worth it, but it wasn't easy and I'm not sure most people would be willing to make that kind of investment of both time and emotion in someone once the romance is over unless there are children to consider. For especially when there's a third party involved, it's an emotional rollercoaster... jealousy, revenge, resentment, etc. can undermine a lot of earnest efforts. *S* And that third party isn't likely to sit quietly by and watch the show... that complicates matters even more.

[This message has been edited by suthern (edited 04-12-2001).]

Poet deVine
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8 posted 04-12-2001 10:29 AM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

But Ruth, you are such a sweet lady, who would not want to remain friends with you???
Dopey Dope
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9 posted 04-12-2001 04:42 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

Depends........I don't think so...
...I'd blow up.
suthern
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10 posted 04-12-2001 05:13 PM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

PDV: That check I owe you is in the mail... though it may bounce the whole way there. ROFL... I do love you and your biased opinion... (and I won't even tell you about all those who'd disagree! *G*)

I completely agree with your earlier post... it takes a LOT of forgiveness and that just isn't possible for many...
catalinamoon
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11 posted 04-12-2001 06:56 PM       View Profile for catalinamoon   Email catalinamoon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit catalinamoon's Home Page   View IP for catalinamoon

No, I don't think you ever become friends after loving someone fully. You can still be friendly, but friends to me has within the definition a more platonic, though loving feeling. After sharing more intimacies with someone, it is very hard to care about them as friends and not wish for or think about getting back the rest of the relationship. I always try to stay friendly with my exes, and usually succeed, but there is a point where you have to let eaachother go, or get back together, at least in my vast (lol) experience.
S
Isis
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12 posted 04-17-2001 07:14 PM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

I think they can Sven, if they put aside all the anger and hurt and are mature and forgiving enough to move on together..
But for many they are too angry, hurt or just self righteous to want to...
I'll say this proudly I have remained friends with every old love..  It might take years, but it is worth it in the end...
Isis

*War produces one thing - Cemetaries. And in cemetaries there are no enemies!*
~Isis~~Sovereign of the Spirit.


Just A Woman
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13 posted 04-18-2001 10:07 PM       View Profile for Just A Woman   Email Just A Woman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Just A Woman

A difficult question indeed.     

I would have to agree with Suthern.  There are so many emotions both would have to work through.  And they aren't something you deal with once and then you're done with them.  They creep up here and there.   I suppose over time it must be easier.  

I think people should be able to do that, but it would certainly be difficult.  

~pausing~

I might not actually agree with that.  LOL   I shall only comment and say, "Hmmmmmm, now there's a question!"  

*I owe you an email.  Will be there in the morn!



"I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one."

Just A Woman
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14 posted 04-19-2001 02:53 PM       View Profile for Just A Woman   Email Just A Woman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Just A Woman

Okay I change my mind, after some thought.  I don't think they could or should "be friends" after being more.  I think when the relationship ends (the love) it means one or both are needing to move on and unless there's children involved that prevent that from fully occuring, they should move on. Forward, rather than backward.    



"I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one."

Severn
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15 posted 04-19-2001 08:43 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

I have with some and not with others...

depends on the level of hurt incurred...perhaps how close you were as friends before you went out?

Here are two examples:

I was friends with one guy for a year before we went out for a short while...it has been easy to be his friend again...although it's harder for him as he still loves me apparently. But he himself says why lose something that was wonderful before anyway? We are very close - I can tell him anything, and he can 'handle' me heh...basically he understands me like few do. (My favourite thing is when he says 'Alright Kams, alright' when I get just a leetle bit stroppy heheheh (or a lot...)

Another example...

A man I loved more than I had anyone before, truly, which was odd given that there were strange circumstances with this one, which I don't want to go into.

He hurt me several times, coming and going - but the last time was like getting slammed through a hoop over and over...the situation just got more ridiculous and bizarre I guess. He did things I couldn't believe. Eg...saying I love you I love you..while in the process of finding someone else. Then a week of silence when I didn't know what was happening...then he had the audicity to tell certain people I had chased him and forced myself on him...(well, metaphorically forced at any rate.) He also failed to tell me he had found someone else so soon - and given the circumstances, the way I did find out was not pleasant. Suffice to say it was rather public. I'd also sacrificed a LOT for that relationship, and if I made the circumstances clear in here, you'd understand what I mean. He didn't seem to give a toss about that either. Some of the things I sacrificed I haven't been able to reclaim. Emotionally and physically I suppose.

This is a much simplified telling of course.

Now, I simply don't want to know him...especially considering he doesn't appreciate, or seem to, the hurt he caused - rather it was just 'one of those things.' The icing on the cake was when he told me he still loved me but sometimes things aren't meant to be. My cynicism handled that one well lol.

What hurts the most is that we were such great friends...wonderful friends.  So while I can forgive and have forgiven him - I don't want him in my life anymore. Though I thought I could for awhile...but I think that was the remnants of my love talking.

So yes - it fully depends on the circumstance doesn't it? There are no black and whites. (No one point out to me that that is a inherently problematic, self-contradictory statement either ok? lol..I know.)

K



All obscurity starts with a danger:
Your dangers are many. I
Cannot look much but your form suffers
Some strange injury
Sylvia Plath



[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 04-20-2001).]

Moon Dust
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16 posted 04-19-2001 10:08 PM       View Profile for Moon Dust   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Moon Dust

Yep abersolutly it takes a bit of time but sure they can go back to being friends without still loving them in that way.

Don't ever give in, if you do you've lost everything you've ever had and everything you hope to gain, but if you carry on your already winning.

Irie
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17 posted 04-24-2001 04:17 PM       View Profile for Irie   Email Irie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Irie

Sure....You bet!!!
then again it depends on each person and the grounds on which they broke the
relationship off.

~Sheri

"The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first"


Bill Charles
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highways, & byways, for now


18 posted 04-27-2001 01:13 PM       View Profile for Bill Charles   Email Bill Charles   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bill Charles

Sven - excellent question, and I believe the answer is yes.  But naturally it depends on the people involved.  If one wants it, and the other doesn't, well it won't work. But if both do, then I don't see any reason that they can't be friends.  Even close ones.

BC
Lady In White
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19 posted 04-27-2001 04:36 PM       View Profile for Lady In White   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lady In White

Miracles can happen.

One thing I did not see is whether or not there were children involved.

If there are children, then of course, the best of all worlds would be for the two to at least ACT as if they were friendly.

But if others were involved in the breakup?  Chances are...no.
Marina
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20 posted 04-27-2001 05:36 PM       View Profile for Marina   Email Marina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marina

I think it depends on a great deal of things.  I would have two main issues.

1. Were both people COMPLETELY honest with each other about everything?

2. Is there going to be a magor jealousy issue if one begins dating someone else?

I have had at at least two or three lovers that I have had no problem at all maintaining a great friendship with.  In fact I can honestly say that because of the previous intimate relationship, that my friendships have remained as strong as what they are.

So to answer the question...YES.  With the right person.
Marina

It is a blessing to have wings for words, and passion in pen
Marina Crossley


SEA
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with you


21 posted 04-27-2001 08:43 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

my experience is limited in the lover department.....but in my life....as far as lovers go....no. Done is done....it's a break up for a reason....but just boyfriends.....yes, of course......different emotions involved.....
Sven
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22 posted 04-28-2001 10:42 AM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

So, the jury is totally out on this one. . . some say "Yes, without question". . . some say "Yes, but it depends on. . . " and some say "No, not at all. . . "

For me, it's been the fact that I can't just see them as friends. . . we were lovers. . . we were close. . .we shared so much. . . when you're friends, you just don't have that same closeness and intimacy that you have when you're lovers. . .

Then of course, there's the fact that one or both of you will find a new lover to be in your life. . . and, for me, (and this might be weak of me) I couldn't take it. . . I couldn't take seeing the one that I loved with someone new. . . it hurt. . . and it wasn't jealousy or envy. . . it was just pain. . .

BUT. . . there have been people that I've been intimate with for only a short time, and gone back to being friends. . . but, they don't seem to want to be friends. . . they've moved on. . . even when the friendship was definitely better than being together as lovers. . . (that's strange isn't it???)

So. . . the answer seems to be Yes. . . and No. . .  

Any other thoughts????

----------------------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

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