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Insanity?

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Fading Away
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Lynchburg, Virginia


0 posted 04-07-2001 07:20 PM       View Profile for Fading Away   Email Fading Away   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fading Away

I am only writing this because I need to get it out.  Feel free to reply with whatever you like about the situation.

This has not been my week.  This has not been my month.

I'm so frustrated right now, I don't even know how to put it into words.  The only thing I want to do is leave... go somewhere where I know I will be needed and appreciated.

Why do so many things in life have to be so hard?  Everything has just gotten so overwhelming that it's hard to take it all at once, but it seems like I have no choice.  What makes it harder is having two parents wanting more than can be acheived.  And having two friends, overcome with worry, but not talking to who really needs to hear their thoughts.  Having such low self esteem that the only things that's desirable is to hide from so many people's gaze.

I'll start with my parents - They push me so hard.  I just got my report card with grades I was quite pleased with, only to hear the disappointment in their voices at first glance of the letters.  They push me too hard... and it wouldn't surprise me if they know that they do.  Perfection is something that I know cannot be acheived... so then why do I still wish to be flawless?  For so long I have strived to attain the unattainable and it's just put me in a vicious cycle of self destruction that is scarred with each critical comment of my own two parents.  They obviously don't see what they're doing to my esteem and my already destructive thoughts, but when I try to talk to them about it, they're either too busy or say I'm exaggerating.  It just seems like they don't care... I know they love me, but they have a strange way of showing it...

Onto the friends... I'll just get it out in the open, I'm flirting a dangerous game with eating disorder issues that have haunted my life for many years now, off and on.  In the past few months I have started restricting my meals again.  I have lost quite a bit of weight.  Two friends in particular are very worried.  I know this because of one person who told me that they talk to each other about me whenever they get the chance.  It bothers the heck out of my that they don't come to me and tell me what they think... instead, they just talk to each other.  They know what's going on with me, it's not that hard to figure it out.  Especially those who know me well... Frustration and stress from this is really getting to me, and again, not helping the situation much at all.

As for the self esteem... *sigh* It's gone way down in the past few months.  Why?  I have no idea.  That's what I'm trying to figure out.  All I know is that this self destructive path I'm beginning to turn down is dangerous... and I need to do something to stop myself from going too far.  I know that, and I tell myself that, but yet, I still don't change my ways.  I go to sleep every night saying "tomorrow will be different.  I'm not going to stress about anything.. I'll give my mind a break."  But it's never different...

I know that many of you are going to tell me to get help.  To let those of you know, I am seeing someone to talk to.  The problem with that is I only let other see about me what I want them to see.  Basically, I let the therapist see what they would want to see.  It's not something that I do intentionally... but that makes it hard to really talk to anyone.

Ultimately, this is a choice that I make daily... To give in to disordered eating behaviors.  I realize that I have done nothing but create my own prison... I'm the judge, the prisoner, and the warden.  I'm even my own a-hole cell mate who treats me like crap.  I'm the sympathetic visitor who detachedly takes pity on me, and I'm the executioner who would love to do me in with a slow terrible death.  I am miserable in the cell, yet I hold the key.  Is this the definition of insanity?

--Marie

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

[This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 04-08-2001).]

dreamer1 12 5 24
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crossing between


1 posted 04-07-2001 09:17 PM       View Profile for dreamer1 12 5 24   Email dreamer1 12 5 24   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for dreamer1 12 5 24

Wow. This is really hard to comment on. I am really very sad to hear this. I can understand your troubles with self-esteem, I have them too. I can't identify with your eating disorder, and I have different problems with my parents, but I have other problems too.

Honestly, I don't know what to say, but to give you the same advice one of my best friends, and most trusted adults I know gave me - "You need psychiatric help." Honestly, that's what she said to me, word for word. I'm sorry if that's a little harsh, but I just don't know what to say.

If you really are making your own prison, you need to come clean, and accept help. Yes, it really does help.

If you need it, my e-mail is always available. I may not check it everyday, but I'll try to write back as soon as possible.

Much love and courage to you
dreamer
anonymous albert ?
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2 posted 04-08-2001 12:58 AM       View Profile for anonymous albert ?   Email anonymous albert ?   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymous albert ?

yea i totally knoe wat u mean...
as life gets hard but 4 me its not the type of friends and parents
its coz of me i have a hard time dealin with myself
as for ma parents r ignorant to me as my father
and mother is far gone left me all alone in this world
and for my friends
in thier eyes lies deception
and i jus don't also knoe wat to do
then what makes it more worst is all by urself to deal with it as i'm goin thru all sorts of pain and suffer  
thats part of my struggles what i've been goin thru
and i knoe the times when u just can't take it anymore
and ur minds bout to go insane  
but what i do is i try to write
or i'm jus left to get lost in depths of thought again
so my word is at times when it gets hard i believe even though there might be less hope we gotta keep it alive to survive to c ur dreams
i got more but thats it 4 now
but i'll c u around...


[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-08-2001).]

Dopey Dope
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3 posted 04-08-2001 01:02 AM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

ok.....your two friends that worry about you but don't come up to you.....yea well the thing is this.....you're stressed cuz they don't come up to you and help you. What can you expect? They are worried, but maybe they are planning a certain time and way to approach you about this. It's like your this person trapped on a rock...and screaming for help when the rock is only a few inches high and all you need to do is step down.
Now....stepping down  requires you deciding that you need to help YOURSELF.
takes things into your hands and seek some professional help.
Lemme say that you are suffering from an illness that could ultimately kill you.
So stop acting like you can't help yourself because you CAN!
So marie, get out there and do it.....help yourself.....free yourself.....get help

Lakewalker
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4 posted 04-08-2001 12:12 PM       View Profile for Lakewalker   Email Lakewalker   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lakewalker

It's ok to just want to get it all out, I'm glad you shared this with us.  I've learned that high self esteem is based on taking responsibility for your life.  The more responsibile you are to yourself (not blaming others, seeing what you can change in yourself), the higher your self esteem will be.  

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"  
Unknown
Ever tried the Teen Explorer Forum?

JLR
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5 posted 04-08-2001 07:29 PM       View Profile for JLR   Email JLR   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JLR

I have to say I agree with Dopey and Lakewalker.  You've answered all your own questions except the last one.  Is this insanity...I don't think so, but it's not a mental state I'd want to keep all my life.  Take care of yourself, please.
LoveBug
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6 posted 04-08-2001 09:59 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

First of all, BIG *hugs*. You are obviously dealing with some issues that most of us don't have to deal with, and you definently aren't going insane. As for the parents, I can relate to that. It's hard to live up to what everyone wants, but you need to start caring more about what you want than about what they want. It's hard, I know, especally since you have probably been living your whole life this way. I've been trying to achieve this for years, and I'm still not there. You are stronger than I am, though. You can do it! Once you start caring about and loving yourself, you should be able to open up to the professional you are talking to. I'm young and I don't have a lot of experience about things. I could be way off, but you are the only one that truely knows your situation and what you need. I just hope that one of us said something that helped you. Just remember that you have a whole bunch of people here who care about you and who are willing to help you as much as they can. If you want anything at all, feel free to e-mail me. I'm just glad that you decided to come in here and share this with us. Talking about it is the best thing, and we all care.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

Acies
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7 posted 04-09-2001 04:08 PM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

I'm not gonna give you advice like everyone else.  I just want to wish that things get better for you   ~*hugs*~

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Fading Away
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8 posted 04-09-2001 08:58 PM       View Profile for Fading Away   Email Fading Away   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fading Away

Thanks everyone.  I really appreciate all these replies.  It's nice to know that I can spill my guts to people who I know care and will give me their honest answers.. you don't know how much that means to me.  As for everything else.. *sigh* I'm trying.

--Marie

"Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul."  --Emily Dickinson

Spencerx2k
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9 posted 04-13-2001 02:47 AM       View Profile for Spencerx2k   Email Spencerx2k   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Spencerx2k

I too suffer problems, but not with eating, just many others.  I can relate to what you are saying here, and I know that no one can help you, you can only help yourself, but I can offer some words of advice.  I just thought of this today, and it really did help me... perhaps I am even a new person now.

It seems like you are looking for an anwser when you don't even know the question.  The deeper you dig, the harder it becomes.  It is like there is another side of you, trapped within your mind, and cannot show itself to anyone but you.  You cannot express it with your mouth or hands, it is the unicorn of your imagination, you cannot capture it, but you know it is there.

This unicorn has the anwser, the question, and the reason, yet you can never fully release it.  The harder you try to understand its presence, the deeper you go into its' world... its' knowledge fills you, but when you try to write what you experienced, it all leaves you.  You can't ever write down what you were thinking!  

The only solution I have come up with is to try to somewhat express myself with writting... basically what I am doing here... the above is my mind, but it doesn't contain any anwsers to the question... Only you can understand what is going on in your head, you have the power to free your mind, or loose it in deep thought.  

()#&(# I have no idea what I'm talking about... it is so hard to describe the mind, and thought.  Only you can understand yourself, others can try, but only you truly can.  =-\

serenity blaze
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10 posted 04-13-2001 03:28 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I could relate to this....and, please understand that it is my own personal experience--and I discovered this through therapy? but an eating disorder is a desperate act of reclaiming your life. You must find a way to be in more creative control of your life and body than by irregular eating "regulations." Find that dynamic way that expresses your spirit, and feed THAT and allow that to feed you. And, lovie, as always, consult a physician. As I said, it was therapy and perseverance and? alot of self inventory...but there's hope.
Much love to you.
banburycross
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11 posted 04-19-2001 01:23 PM       View Profile for banburycross   Email banburycross   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for banburycross

*hugs and kisses*  i'm sorry that the last month has been so hard sweetie.  i won't tell you what to do, i'll just tell you that i love you and that you have me whenever you need me.  i wish i could make things better...

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Moon Dust
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12 posted 04-19-2001 09:54 PM       View Profile for Moon Dust   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Moon Dust

Sweetie listen to your perents I know they seem to push you hard, but life is a lot crueler. So just try your best.
I used to have low self esteem, I'd always try to be someone else, until I thought to hell with them, since then I've become my own person I show my personailty more and people like and give me attenntion more. Anywayz I know its not easy and this is just my own advise.  

Don't ever give in, if you do you've lost everything you've ever had and everything you hope to gain, but if you carry on your already winning.

 
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