I am only writing this because I need to get it out. Feel free to reply with whatever you like about the situation.
This has not been my week. This has not been my month.
I'm so frustrated right now, I don't even know how to put it into words. The only thing I want to do is leave... go somewhere where I know I will be needed and appreciated.
Why do so many things in life have to be so hard? Everything has just gotten so overwhelming that it's hard to take it all at once, but it seems like I have no choice. What makes it harder is having two parents wanting more than can be acheived. And having two friends, overcome with worry, but not talking to who really needs to hear their thoughts. Having such low self esteem that the only things that's desirable is to hide from so many people's gaze.
I'll start with my parents - They push me so hard. I just got my report card with grades I was quite pleased with, only to hear the disappointment in their voices at first glance of the letters. They push me too hard... and it wouldn't surprise me if they know that they do. Perfection is something that I know cannot be acheived... so then why do I still wish to be flawless? For so long I have strived to attain the unattainable and it's just put me in a vicious cycle of self destruction that is scarred with each critical comment of my own two parents. They obviously don't see what they're doing to my esteem and my already destructive thoughts, but when I try to talk to them about it, they're either too busy or say I'm exaggerating. It just seems like they don't care... I know they love me, but they have a strange way of showing it...
Onto the friends... I'll just get it out in the open, I'm flirting a dangerous game with eating disorder issues that have haunted my life for many years now, off and on. In the past few months I have started restricting my meals again. I have lost quite a bit of weight. Two friends in particular are very worried. I know this because of one person who told me that they talk to each other about me whenever they get the chance. It bothers the heck out of my that they don't come to me and tell me what they think... instead, they just talk to each other. They know what's going on with me, it's not that hard to figure it out. Especially those who know me well... Frustration and stress from this is really getting to me, and again, not helping the situation much at all.
As for the self esteem... *sigh* It's gone way down in the past few months. Why? I have no idea. That's what I'm trying to figure out. All I know is that this self destructive path I'm beginning to turn down is dangerous... and I need to do something to stop myself from going too far. I know that, and I tell myself that, but yet, I still don't change my ways. I go to sleep every night saying "tomorrow will be different. I'm not going to stress about anything.. I'll give my mind a break." But it's never different...
I know that many of you are going to tell me to get help. To let those of you know, I am seeing someone to talk to. The problem with that is I only let other see about me what I want them to see. Basically, I let the therapist see what they would want to see. It's not something that I do intentionally... but that makes it hard to really talk to anyone.
Ultimately, this is a choice that I make daily... To give in to disordered eating behaviors. I realize that I have done nothing but create my own prison... I'm the judge, the prisoner, and the warden. I'm even my own a-hole cell mate who treats me like crap. I'm the sympathetic visitor who detachedly takes pity on me, and I'm the executioner who would love to do me in with a slow terrible death. I am miserable in the cell, yet I hold the key. Is this the definition of insanity?
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
[This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 04-08-2001).]