This past weekend was the best weekend I have ever had. I found myself again, I found my life again, I found my God again... But most of all, I found Ben.
This weekend, my parents forced me to go to this Christian retreat. They practically dragged me to get to my ride kicking and screaming. Because of my past struggles I had given up on God a while ago, and absolutely did not want to invest any of my time into this weekend where we would be doing nothing but talking about Him. I had a chip on my shoulder the whole way there, resenting what my parents were doing against my will. I didn't want to be there, and that was 100% obvious by the look on my face. I got there, and got unpacked, knowing I was going to have an awful time.
If someone told me I was going to go to Spring Fling, have a great time, I wouldn't have believed them in a million years. Needless to say I had a great time. I found God in my life again, and decided I was going to finally turn around my life, only with God on my side this time. That wasn't the only reason it was so great. In my small discussion group we were placed in for the weekend, there was this really amazing guy. His name is Ben. Right when we first met, something clicked. I knew something was going to come out of us being put together almost immediately after we started talking. I told him a little about my life, my family, and school. And he did the same as we walked down towards the lake. From there, we sat in the shade by the lake just talking for hours. We missed the a keynote and a small group because we were so caught up in our conversation. I was amazed at how easy it was to really talk to him. He seemed like a really sentimental person, who you know right off that he would never hurt a fly.
I trusted him from the moment we met, which is not like me, and I felt so comfortable around him. I felt like I could be me, and he wouldn't care or wouldn't judge me. From that talk on, we were inseperable the whole weekend. We layed on the ground under the stars, watching the moon all night and watched the sunrise together Sunday morning. He has thing thing for hair, and absolutely loves my hair, one thing I have hated for a long time. He thinks I am so beautiful. He told me he wanted to kiss me for the first time as the sun was rising. The colors were shining on my bright red hair, eluminating my fair skin, and freckles. He told me I'm gorgeous, and said he wanted to kiss me. So he did. It was magical.. That's the only word I can use to describe it. It was like something you would see out of a movie. He ran his hand through my hair and just kissed me.
Throughout Sunday, as things for the weekend were starting to wind down and people were getting anxious to leave, I began dreading the moment I knew we would have to say goodbye. I knew I might get upset, and I didn't want him to see that. Well, as predicted, the goodbye WAS upsetting. I wanted to see him every day from then on, but the fact that he lives 45 minutes away from me doesn't help things. I'm confused, and don't know what to do. All I know is that I miss him more than words can say...
I couldn't think about anything but him all week. I close my eyes, and see him. I miss everything about him from his hair to his eyes, and the way he smells. After the second day of not seeing him, I began missing his arms being around me so badly it hurt. I don't know what this means. How can I miss someone so badly I've known for less than a week? We talk to each other on the phone every second that we can. The thing that really amazes me, is that I came home from Spring Fling feeling beautiful. For so long now I have hated myself and my looks with such a passion that I saw nothing worthy in myself. Especially beauty. And I really felt beautiful.
So... what does this mean? Confusion builds as I write this out...
I guess the reason I posted today is because I don't know how to interpret these feelings. All I know is that I miss Ben with such intensity that he's all I think about and all I want. But is this right to feel this way about someone I just met? I feel stronger for him than I have anyone else after only one week. I was dating someone before Spring Fling. But that relationship.. or whatever it was.. seems so unimportant compared to what Ben and I have. We have so much in common. It's amazing how well we get along, and how things just clicked when we first talked. I'm just confused...
Confusion is a strange thing. How can I know what I want, but not know what I want so clearly? Does that make any sense? My history with guys is... I guess you can say, much less than perfect. I have had everything from guys who used me, to guys who cheated on me, and guys who abused me. I'm not used to having anyone feel like Ben does for me. That's the reason this whole situation startles me... I am a person who is reluctant to start any kind of relationship with people unless I know them really well. And now I'm ready to jump in with two feet, unaware of the pain this might cause.
So tell me... Am I so wrong to feel this way so quick? I'm sorry this is so long. But to those of you who have had the patience to read this whole thing, I want your opinion... Thanks for reading
I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.
[This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 03-16-2001).]