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Spring Fling

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Fading Away
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since 03-14-2001
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Lynchburg, Virginia


0 posted 03-16-2001 07:36 PM       View Profile for Fading Away   Email Fading Away   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fading Away

This past weekend was the best weekend I have ever had. I found myself again, I found my life again, I found my God again... But most of all, I found Ben.

This weekend, my parents forced me to go to this Christian retreat. They practically dragged me to get to my ride kicking and screaming. Because of my past struggles I had given up on God a while ago, and absolutely did not want to invest any of my time into this weekend where we would be doing nothing but talking about Him. I had a chip on my shoulder the whole way there, resenting what my parents were doing against my will. I didn't want to be there, and that was 100% obvious by the look on my face. I got there, and got unpacked, knowing I was going to have an awful time.

If someone told me I was going to go to Spring Fling, have a great time, I wouldn't have believed them in a million years. Needless to say I had a great time. I found God in my life again, and decided I was going to finally turn around my life, only with God on my side this time. That wasn't the only reason it was so great. In my small discussion group we were placed in for the weekend, there was this really amazing guy. His name is Ben. Right when we first met, something clicked. I knew something was going to come out of us being put together almost immediately after we started talking. I told him a little about my life, my family, and school. And he did the same as we walked down towards the lake. From there, we sat in the shade by the lake just talking for hours. We missed the a keynote and a small group because we were so caught up in our conversation. I was amazed at how easy it was to really talk to him. He seemed like a really sentimental person, who you know right off that he would never hurt a fly.

I trusted him from the moment we met, which is not like me, and I felt so comfortable around him. I felt like I could be me, and he wouldn't care or wouldn't judge me. From that talk on, we were inseperable the whole weekend. We layed on the ground under the stars, watching the moon all night and watched the sunrise together Sunday morning. He has thing thing for hair, and absolutely loves my hair, one thing I have hated for a long time. He thinks I am so beautiful. He told me he wanted to kiss me for the first time as the sun was rising. The colors were shining on my bright red hair, eluminating my fair skin, and freckles. He told me I'm gorgeous, and said he wanted to kiss me. So he did. It was magical.. That's the only word I can use to describe it. It was like something you would see out of a movie. He ran his hand through my hair and just kissed me.

Throughout Sunday, as things for the weekend were starting to wind down and people were getting anxious to leave, I began dreading the moment I knew we would have to say goodbye. I knew I might get upset, and I didn't want him to see that. Well, as predicted, the goodbye WAS upsetting. I wanted to see him every day from then on, but the fact that he lives 45 minutes away from me doesn't help things. I'm confused, and don't know what to do. All I know is that I miss him more than words can say...

I couldn't think about anything but him all week. I close my eyes, and see him. I miss everything about him from his hair to his eyes, and the way he smells. After the second day of not seeing him, I began missing his arms being around me so badly it hurt. I don't know what this means. How can I miss someone so badly I've known for less than a week? We talk to each other on the phone every second that we can. The thing that really amazes me, is that I came home from Spring Fling feeling beautiful. For so long now I have hated myself and my looks with such a passion that I saw nothing worthy in myself. Especially beauty. And I really felt beautiful.

So... what does this mean? Confusion builds as I write this out...

I guess the reason I posted today is because I don't know how to interpret these feelings. All I know is that I miss Ben with such intensity that he's all I think about and all I want. But is this right to feel this way about someone I just met? I feel stronger for him than I have anyone else after only one week. I was dating someone before Spring Fling. But that relationship.. or whatever it was.. seems so unimportant compared to what Ben and I have. We have so much in common. It's amazing how well we get along, and how things just clicked when we first talked. I'm just confused...

Confusion is a strange thing. How can I know what I want, but not know what I want so clearly? Does that make any sense? My history with guys is... I guess you can say, much less than perfect. I have had everything from guys who used me, to guys who cheated on me, and guys who abused me. I'm not used to having anyone feel like Ben does for me. That's the reason this whole situation startles me... I am a person who is reluctant to start any kind of relationship with people unless I know them really well. And now I'm ready to jump in with two feet, unaware of the pain this might cause.

So tell me... Am I so wrong to feel this way so quick? I'm sorry this is so long. But to those of you who have had the patience to read this whole thing, I want your opinion... Thanks for reading

--Marie


I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.


[This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 03-16-2001).]
Allan Riverwood
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1 posted 03-16-2001 07:43 PM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

Well Marie, I really don't know what your perception of the world is. The best advice I could possibly give to you is to think back to all of the relationships you have had, and the first few days of them. How did they start out? Have you ever been so instantly connected with any of them as you have with Ben? Have you ~really~ ever had such a thing before?
I'd say that you should try to determine exactly how different he is from all of the other people you have dated in the past. The last thing that you want to do is go and get yourself involved in something that is going to end up in failure.
Try to determine exactly how different he is from anyone you have been with. If this truly is something different, something new, then by all means go for it!
But remember that you have time. All the time in the world. So take your time, learn about him and get to know him, and let him do the same for you. Try not to put too much into him until you are certain of what you want. Until then, just relax and have fun.
But above all things, take your time.
Best wishes, Marie. And congratulations.
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort





[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 03-16-2001).]
Moon Dust
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2 posted 03-16-2001 09:06 PM       View Profile for Moon Dust   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Moon Dust

I guess the only one who can answer that question is you, I mean I can say thats the way I felt about someone, but that would only be my percetion on things. I really think u should follow allen's advise.

Don't ever give in, if you do you've lost everything you've ever had and everything you hope to gain, but if you carry on your already winning.

Dopey Dope
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3 posted 03-16-2001 11:41 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

Sometimes in our time of need and vulnerability we entrust in people who we normally wouldn't........I'm not saying BEN is one of those people, but a possible scenario on WHY this happened could be because you needed love, affection, care and the like.
This could flourish into something beautiful though, and I surely hope it does. My advice is to think things through, and take things slow.



I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily
LoveBug
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4 posted 03-17-2001 10:28 AM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

Well, like the others said, this is a question that you have to ask yourself, not us. I'll offer a piece of advice given to a young poet by Rilke in "Letters to a Young Poet". He asks the poet to ask himself in that state between sleep and wakefulness if he must write. If he answers "I must", then he is a writer. I think that this applies to everything. When you aren't really thinking, not quite awake, ask yourself "must I be with this boy"?

There's my sucky advice, hope I don't screw anything up!

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

Fading Away
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5 posted 03-17-2001 04:07 PM       View Profile for Fading Away   Email Fading Away   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fading Away

Thanks you guys... Allan, you seem to know what you're talking about.. Dopey, I understand what you and Allan mean by taking things slow and maybe I just need someone to latch onto. LoveBug, the reference you made is true... I understand where you're all coming from, and I think I'm going to take things slow, and maybe see where things go from here. Thanks for answering the question.. but I guess that's what being a Family of Friends is all about Thanks again.

--Marie

I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.

Linc
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The Backstreet Boy


6 posted 05-08-2001 01:03 PM       View Profile for Linc   Email Linc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Linc

Hey,

   Awww so thats how you to met  

       -- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

White Wolf
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since 09-18-99
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Somewhere in the vast wastelan


7 posted 05-09-2001 11:20 PM       View Profile for White Wolf   Email White Wolf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for White Wolf

It seems that I may be most qualified to say something about this.  This situation is close to one that I have had.  My parents had forced me to go to church for years and one Wednesday night I met her.  She has a beauty that cannot be found else where.  Well the time line is a bit different in that it took us six years before we finally kissed.  But from day one I knew that I could trust her with all of my secrets and she would think any less of me for it.  We used to talk for hours on end about nothing and yet about everything.  My parents had to literally drag me away from church from that day on.  I couldn't wait to see her and talk to her again.  Sound familar?  Thought so.  As to my advice it is a simple concept that I failed to grasp and thus ending our dating relationship and how I miss that.  Communication, about everything.  If he hurts you in the slightest, tell him.  When he makes you happy, tell him.  When you are feeling down, tell him.  I think you get the idea.  I made that mistake and now have lost that part of the relationship.  We are still the best of friends but we may never date again.  I would also suggest that you remember to put God first in this relationship.  He is always in control.  Well I guess that is at least a couple of cents worth.  Oh yeah I almost forgot.  To take things slow will ensure that you know what you want but I think you already know what you want.  I wish you the best and am happy for you.


The White Wolf
 
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