*sigh* What to say, what to say? You have something building inside, whatever it may be; hurt, anger, frustration, anxiety, irritability... and you try to express it - something you're not used to doing, and cannot think of a way to get it out.
In the good ol' days I would just pop the top off the beer bottle or pour a good measure of bourbon and sip those feelings to oblivion, but not anymore. Now I sit here, looking at my screen and trying to figure out who is to blame... we all know who, but we still want to point the finger at someone else don't we?
So I engage in what I feel would be good therapy, and when I do not get what I want, I start adding to that anxiety and frustration, making myself feel all the worse. Now I am to the point where I feel like I am about to explode.
What I want to do is quit, blame Passions, think up some conspiracy theory to justify my angry feelings.
What the hell is he babbling about? yeah, I know, I'm bouncing around....
I've written many pieces lately, in hopes that a few pats on the back, a few strokes would ease the tension I feel building, then, when those peices recieved little or no attention, I personalized it, and added to my ire. I want to believe that there is an organized coalition out there in the Passions aether which has banned responses to my work. Petty? Yeah, I know it is. Places on this site where I have usually been well recieved have tendered little acknowledgement. I have had interesting discussions in these 'lower' forums (as PdV called them), but little or none in the actual poetry forums.
One kind soul here took the time to email me and explain that maybe I should do a little more commenting on other's work if I expected comments on my own. I suppose that is a valid point. I could comment more, and have been trying to. But that idea in itself added to my frustration. I thought to myself - I don't limit my comments to only those who comment on my work, that in itself is a bit petty isn't it? and then I realized that I am just trying to point fingers again....
So here I am, frustrated, angry, hurt, anxious, feeling down, feeling ignored, and feeling like I want to have a drink... The drink won't happen... the others will fade eventually... but right now, I am just using this therapist's couch called "FEELINGS".
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.