Have you ever had one of those days when you wish either the inevitable would happen soon, or you just want to go off and fade away?
Alcoholism recovery is tough to deal with, but other than wanting a drink everyday, things are going well in that area for me.
The other problem is the internet/computer compulsion or addiction. I've been doing well after my absence, only logging on to check email, come to Passions to play, no worries.... then yesterday, out of the blue I got the urge to chat. I downloaded AOL/Netscape Instant Messanger and wasted the entire day chatting exchanging files....
Some will say, 'so what, what's the big deal?' well for most it isn't a big deal, for those of us who have no control over the time we spend doing it or the things we do while doing it, it becomes a problem - for my wife and family (kind of the definition of addiction, isn't it?)
Long story shorter.... My wife found my trail of stupidity and is understandably upset, can't understand how or why I could do something I know I'm not supposed to do and she is not happy with the "I don't know" answer.
So anyway, there I was last night, huge bru ha ha at my house after I got home from work, torn between wanting all of it to just go away and wanting to do nothing but get loaded. Trying to figure out how and why I would put myself and my family in the same situation again, my wife telling me that perhaps it is time for a separation, and in the back of my mind I was secretly wishing that my other ailments would do their inevitable and take care of all of this....
Okay, I feel better now... no, no I don't, I feel less burdoned now, but I still feel like crap.
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
"Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway