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One of those days.... compulsions
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One of those days.... compulsions |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA 
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Have you ever had one of those days when you wish either the inevitable would happen soon, or you just want to go off and fade away? Alcoholism recovery is tough to deal with, but other than wanting a drink everyday, things are going well in that area for me. The other problem is the internet/computer compulsion or addiction. I've been doing well after my absence, only logging on to check email, come to Passions to play, no worries.... then yesterday, out of the blue I got the urge to chat. I downloaded AOL/Netscape Instant Messanger and wasted the entire day chatting exchanging files.... Some will say, 'so what, what's the big deal?' well for most it isn't a big deal, for those of us who have no control over the time we spend doing it or the things we do while doing it, it becomes a problem - for my wife and family (kind of the definition of addiction, isn't it?) Long story shorter....  My wife found my trail of stupidity and is understandably upset, can't understand how or why I could do something I know I'm not supposed to do and she is not happy with the "I don't know" answer.So anyway, there I was last night, huge bru ha ha at my house after I got home from work, torn between wanting all of it to just go away and wanting to do nothing but get loaded. Trying to figure out how and why I would put myself and my family in the same situation again, my wife telling me that perhaps it is time for a separation, and in the back of my mind I was secretly wishing that my other ailments would do their inevitable and take care of all of this.... Okay, I feel better now... no, no I don't, I feel less burdoned now, but I still feel like crap.  Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP "Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
You wrote:The other problem is the internet/computer compulsion or addiction. That is a problem with me. Any free time I have I am on the computer. I am an addict. [This message has been edited by ERIN (edited 09-15-2000).] |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
One of the reasons I no longer have ICQ, and am blocked from Yahoo or Excite chat is because I can lose myself for hours searching for some stranger to talk to about anything and nothing - forsaking my responsibilities as a father, husband, employee... Ever miss work ERIN because your family was away for the weekend and you were so engrossed in continual searches for someone to chat with on ICQ that you forgot to go to work, only to have them call, wondering where you are, and then lie and tell them you have the flu so you could go back to searching for someone to chat with? Have you ever sat up all night long, drinking beer after beer while chatting? Then when 5 o'clock comes around you sign off real quick and jump in the shower so your wife wouldn't know you stayed up all night chatting? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
JP--I am addicted to everything but housework, so I do sympathize...was going to say if you ever needed to talk about it---maybe not a good idea, huh? (smile,please) Beer, I am allowed, as that is the least of my worriesome bad habits...wrote a poem about the good battle, if you're interested. Check out Demon's Craft in open forum...should be read while listening to Led Zeppelin's "nobody's fault but mine" Good Luck to you, m'friend. At least you are past the point where you are trying to outsmart yourself. Give yourself some credit there, okay? HUGS |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
JP~ yanno I am going thru a pretty rough time in my life right now too....and I want to run and hide too, but instead I have to yank myself up by the bootstraps and face all this crap I can't deal with right now. It sucks! I feel for ya I really do. ~H |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
JP - internet exchange is, for some of us, yet another addiction...we're all wired and fired up because we have to be connected in some way that makes us feel good [a true sign of addiction] and we are in constant need of that pat on the back, recognition, insight or just the need to tell someone who we are and what we do before we get lost in that void of nothingness that can envelop us all to rapidly... what, you say, I think she's been there... so, JP, what I do for me is to find many, many goals of responsibility, and act on them, and interact with them, and make Passions a hobby...with alloted time [sometimes a lot of time - LOL!] and believe me, it is a struggle to turn it off, but that's the adult in me telling the child in me that it's time to behave myself and ACT RESPONSIBLY... don't know if this is of any help, but it helped me, so thanks! |
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Moon Dust
since 1999-06-11
Posts 2177Skelmersdale, UK |
hello fellow internet addict, this has got to be the worst addition going. For me anyway. but the internet is my life There are enough colours in the world, To paint your own dreams, You won't get them, Till you try. |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
JP I hope you have a sponser, and I hope you use them instead of the net. My hubby went sober almost 10 years ago, and I also quit then too. I know he struggled with drinking, can't say he has the problem with the net though. I on the other hand have dealt with my kids complaining, and my husband complaining that I'm on too much. I have cut back drastically, but this is my outlet. This is my hobby, or more so, to the outside world. Excuses? Maybe, but seeing as how I don't go out, this is all I get. I'm not trying to find excuses for what you do, or say that it's all right, I'm just saying I can understand where you're coming from. I hope you get a handle on things, and that they get better. Better to deal with it now, than before it's too late. Cause that's usually when one takes their addiction seriously enough, is after the fact they've lost it. I'm glad to see you're thinking of your family and questioning yourself. That's a good sign. If you have a sponser, CALL THEM, if you don't, FIND ONE! They can be quite helpful! I wish the best for you, I really do! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
JP, know that there is a time and place...and know that we all appreciate and admire your works here... and know that you are in our hearts... |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
JP: It seems the air of trouble is going around in a wide spread manner. I won't say I know ANYTHING about what you're going through, but I will say that I hope things get better. Meanwhile, I would say, don't be TOO hard on yourself. You are human and allowed mistakes no matter how big the ones you made before them were. Hugs and prayers your way. Nothing can deter a poet, for he is actuated by pure love. Who can predict his comings and goings? "Thoreau" |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
I think I might be able to give you another viewpoint JP. Before I joined the forums many months ago, I called myself a "computer widow". For several years, my husband of 16 years had enjoyed online gaming and chatting with a select group of those online friends. He could play for hours and hours. It left me with a very lonely existence. It's sad, but I realized how bad it really was when my dog died. All of a sudden, I realized I was "really all alone" some nights, just heard the sound of games and keyboards etc. drifting in through the other room while I cried in the next, funny thing is ... he never even knew I was crying. It's a horribly lonely feeling, knowing that someone you chose to spend your life with, barely raises his head to say welcome home some nights, then an hour later, shout what's for dinner, and then not come for dinner when it is ready, because they're in the middle of a game or something and you're disturbing them. Heck, I could head to bed, and leave him playing some nights, and the inconvenience of turning his face from the computer to kiss me was enough to really hit home. Sometimes I swear if I'd heard the term "Damn Lag" one more time I'd scream. All that being said ... I can say that I reached my absolute limit, we communicated, and things improved. I also joined Passions. I manage to keep my poetry time to my time before work, a quick peek the odd night, and devote more time on weekends to catch up on some great reading. I may joke that I'm addicted to Passions, but I'm actually very purposeful in controlling my time so that it doesn't grow into an issue for me. I know too well, how it feels on the other side and refuse to allow anything to control me to that length. I wish you the best of luck in working out your problems. Communication helped us to keep things controlled, and life is better now. |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Thanks for the kind thoughts and the kind words everyone. Just one more battle to fight in this endless war of life. The road may be long the way may be dark perils may abound on this mountain we traverse. Dangers may lurk behind every bend slipfalls and precipice to bring our sudden end Hail storms and lightening winds may rage oh forget this! I'm going home! Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP "Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway |
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