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Passions in Poetry

Define "AFFAIR

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sonjes
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since 02-18-2000
Posts 573
North Carolina


0 posted 08-26-2000 08:04 AM       View Profile for sonjes   Email sonjes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sonjes

What I am really curious about is how people define affairs...I'm speaking extramarital here...

Can you have an affair with your mind or just your heart or is it only cheating if you are having physical love?  There are way too many aspects for me to introduce, so PLEASE help me out.  I am dying to hear others take on that word.


Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.
           -Enigma


[This message has been edited by sonjes (edited 08-26-2000).]
Christopher
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since 08-02-99
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Purgatorial Incarceration


1 posted 08-26-2000 08:09 AM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

I've found through experience and conversation, that this is something that depends on the person. To some, a physical affair is worse, to others a mental.

My 2 cents - If you have a desire for someone else to "that" degree, then perhaps it's time to review why you're "with" the person you're with and not the one you're having the "affair" with. Choose carefully though... "you can never go back."
Denise
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2 posted 08-26-2000 08:11 AM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Well, in my opinion, it is only the 'physical' that actually breaks the marriage vow and destroys trust.....but as with everything else, it starts in the mind and if nurtured and allowed to flourish, it will eventually lead to the 'physical'.

Denise
EagleOne
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since 03-07-2000
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3 posted 08-26-2000 10:11 PM       View Profile for EagleOne   Email EagleOne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for EagleOne

This is a tough one to answer, as you said there are so many aspects.  Christopher said it is something that varies depending on each individual's perceptions and ideals, I have to agree with that.

When you say affair I assume that you mean an ongoing relationship, from my point I would say that only once qualifies as an affair. As for emotional versus physical, again my point of view is that they are the same. Again I think Christopher put well when he said "If you have a desire for someone else to "that" degree, then perhaps it's time to review why you're "with" the person you're with ".


"The heart and soul have no illusion of boundries when friendship is the quest"
~ My Angel.
sonjes
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since 02-18-2000
Posts 573
North Carolina


4 posted 08-27-2000 06:33 AM       View Profile for sonjes   Email sonjes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sonjes

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Christopher, Denise, and Eagle.  I must clarify that I did ask out of curiousity...I was having this discussion with another married friend of mine and I realized that we didn't even agree.
  So, I looked it up in the dictionary...I got a "a love affair.a romance."  Not a lot of help. So, I turned to the forum to ask amongst the poets.
  I have seen many different types of relationships that may be defined as extramarital, but have yet to stumble upon a meaning of the word that I will accept.  Is longing for someone other than your spouse considered an affair of the mind or only if you physically act on it?  
  Hmmmm...I see a lot of posts these days written about affairs...are affairs worth ending a marriage for if the party committing does not want out?  Just my feelings on the subject....


Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.
-Enigma
kitkat
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since 01-11-2000
Posts 892
Nova Scotia


5 posted 08-28-2000 02:49 AM       View Profile for kitkat   Email kitkat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kitkat

There is a term I once used"an Affair of the Heart" in which my ex was involved in. There was no physical contact between the two of them but the emotion they shared did do lots of damage to my marriage. An affair has many meanings-a happening or proceeding-I think in latin in means -to do-so I guess I think an emotional affair (my opinion) is the worse.
JP
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Loomis, CA


6 posted 08-28-2000 02:40 PM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

It's got to be an emotional/mental relationship, in my opinion, to be an actual affair, and that is the breach of contract which is by far the greater sin.

Traditional wedding vows say "...do you promise to love, honor, and obey, till death do you part?"  It is the "love and honor" which is the kernal of truth to all marriages, the physical is an extra benefit to accompany the spiritual, mental, and emotional bond between the couple.  A physical straying need not destroy that bond, however, the physical often follows an "affair of the heart" and thus becomes the focus of the breach of trust.


Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP

"Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway
Moon Dust
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7 posted 08-28-2000 05:47 PM       View Profile for Moon Dust   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Moon Dust

I think they are equally as bad, but I guess, you can't relly help the mental side, as much as the phisical

"Those who will not learn to use this instrument well cannot be saved by an expanded alphabet; they will only afflict us with expanded gibberish"
~
Jamie
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since 06-26-2000
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Blue Heaven


8 posted 08-28-2000 05:55 PM       View Profile for Jamie   Email Jamie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Jamie's Home Page   View IP for Jamie

I think to have an "affair" is more than even a one-night stand. That would simply be cheating. Given the choice between discovering my wife (if I still had one) walking down the street holding hands with someone whom she had feelings for (an nothing physical yet) or of finding she had a one-night stand with a stranger who meant nothing, I would choose the latter.
We would divorce either way ofcourse...lol



Jamie

Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil.
"Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely".


Lone Wolf
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since 03-16-2000
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9 posted 08-29-2000 12:30 AM       View Profile for Lone Wolf   Email Lone Wolf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lone Wolf

I personally think an affair is either emotional or physical or both.  Regardless of which it is it is hurtful to the other person involved.  Cheating is cheating and there are no two ways about it.  Both break vows . . . you promise to "forsake all others" in every way not just one.  Of course, those who do the cheating seem to have a need for maintaining innocense and that is just wrong.  If you did it, admit it.  Not admitting it, just makes it worse for everyone.  Once trust is betrayed in such a way, it can NEVER be regained.  It is the ultimate betrayal.  Sorry if I got carried away here.  Great question Sonjes.  Will speak to you more in depth one on one if you'd like.

LW


Poetry should surprise by fine excess...it should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost a remembrance. -J.Keats

[This message has been edited by Lone Wolf (edited 08-29-2000).]
RainbowGirl
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since 07-31-99
Posts 3167
United Kingdom


10 posted 08-29-2000 07:21 PM       View Profile for RainbowGirl   Email RainbowGirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RainbowGirl's Home Page   View IP for RainbowGirl

"define affair"

What a tough question..  

Ok, first of all it's not just physical, that's purely sex or gratification and hence has a different meaning to how I define affair...to me, an affair is one where mind meets mind, where you share beyond all reasonable doubt what you could share with your spouse....in other words, if you're going to risk your relationship, it had better be for a good solid reason because once you have hurt your partner with the words " I have had an affair" the mind ( the female one that is) will cunjure up all sorts of fabrication, some true....but probably for many people, it was really just a need....but a real affair, a damaging one, can only ever happen, when you supply something that hasn't or isn't being met...

We all have needs, sometimes, those needs go unnoticed or maybe we get caught up in habitual situations....but, those needs don't get lost they surface all the time and sometimes, the needs get supplied and everyone loses...the moral to the story, is to listen: learn to give and take...

Affairs are dangerous, someone, somewhere, will always get hurt....someone somewhere, will always give and someone, somehwere will always have a need that hasn't been filled....

For those that think an affair is harmless, it isn't...it starts by saying  "we can handle this, it's only fun"...but the heart, is a living organism and just like the sun feels great upon your face so the cold of winter can make you perish!

HUGS and good topic..  

[This message has been edited by RainbowGirl (edited 08-29-2000).]
Mikelh
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United Kingdom


11 posted 08-29-2000 08:46 PM       Edit/Delete Message     View IP for Mikelh

Guarding the Heart.

Pride, selfishness, and an unguarded heart usually cause marriages that are on the brink of disaster. My definition of an unguarded heart is one who allows his or her affections to go astray. I have a wife who deserves my loyalty and my love, which includes my affections, my sensuality, and my intimacy.

It is a widespread belief among some that an affair will aid a marriage or bring back intimacy. I believe that is terribly wrong thinking! Sexual intimacy is something that bonds for a lifetime. That bonding is meant for a husband and wife, not an extramarital affair. Intimacy is not a sport, but rather an event where body, soul and spirit become one.

An extramarital affair, whether by word or deed, is endangering the heart's mission; to be a faithful lover to one person for all time.

My first time here! Please don't shake me too hard.  

Michael
RainbowGirl
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since 07-31-99
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12 posted 08-29-2000 08:56 PM       View Profile for RainbowGirl   Email RainbowGirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RainbowGirl's Home Page   View IP for RainbowGirl

Thanks Michael....I knew you would have thoughts on this that would benefit us all..carry on sharing, it is the true answer, the only answer...  

HUGS

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be.
Now put the foundations under them."



[This message has been edited by RainbowGirl (edited 08-29-2000).]
JP
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since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


13 posted 09-01-2000 12:22 PM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

I was just wondering how many people here would divorce their spouse if that spouse had cheated (let's just say it was a one-time, one night stand)?


Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.
JP

"Everything is your own damn fault, if you are any good." E. Hemmingway
sonjes
Senior Member
since 02-18-2000
Posts 573
North Carolina


14 posted 09-01-2000 12:34 PM       View Profile for sonjes   Email sonjes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sonjes

I believe that people don't know the answer to that quandry until faced with it. But, I believe that I would be more than willing to forgive my husband. Sure, I would wonder and unwanted images would haunt me...but for the most part, I would not seek divorce.
  I would want my spouse to tell me though, instead of finding out through the rumor circuit.
  While I am here...I just want to say thank you to all those who replied to the original topic.    Its a touchy subject for many, but your replies were intelligent and thought out.
CocoBaci
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since 05-06-2000
Posts 3084


15 posted 09-02-2000 02:53 AM       View Profile for CocoBaci   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CocoBaci

Whether it be emotional (mind) or physical (body) the fact of the matter is one steps secretively outside the relationship = AFFAIR.

In some aspects the emotional affair would be the deepest pierce to a tender heart...

That's my take on your topic

Coco  
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