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Passions in Poetry

I Need ADVICE!

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WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


0 posted 05-22-2000 09:36 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Ok, where do I start?

My daughter is 7 years old. She has/had a best friend.  This best friend Jodi, and my daughter, Ashley have been together for over a year now. They always played together on recess and called each other on the phone. They were the best of friends.

Some problems arose, my daughter would come home in tears, so broken hearted because of something Jodi did to her. She would all of a sudden not play with her, or not talk with her at all. Ashley would say she didn't know what she did wrong and would be so upset.

I encourage my daughter to talk it out, or write it down and give it to Jodi.  Well, she has called Jodi before and written her notes explaining that this hurts her.  I'm not saying my daughter can't be mean either.  Times that she's called Jodi and once her mother called here after Ashley had called her and told her how she felt.  Her mother told me to go talk to Ashley. That Jodi wants to play with other kids too and Ashley gets mad at her if she does. From what she tells me Jodi comes home in tears sometimes too.

So once again I talked with Ashley explaining you can have more than one friend at a time. And play with all of them together. Ashley said she tried to, but Jodi wouldn't play with the other kids. I told her mother that maybe they needed to write this all down and we'd exchange notes. It's not just Ashley. Her mother was quite upset about the whole thing. The last time I had talked to her about it, about Jodi, she told me well, ya know kids will be kids.

Well, I told Ashley to just leave Jodi alone and go play with her other friends. That when Jodi saw she was happy and having fun without her that she'd come back around. Ashley did just that!  And Jodi did finally call her.

What really irks me though is Jodi has been soley playing with her neighbor Shana. Talking about only having one friend at a time! hmph! So Shana this past week was off on vacation and Jodi played with Ashley and Ashley was really happy. Came home and told me all about it. (Though I didn't know Shana was gone until today) Today Shana returned to school and guess what?  I bet you know!  Jodi wouldn't play with Ashley at all. Her heart is so broken. I've told her again to call her. She was just bawling. She said no, because then her Mom gets mad.

I told her to talk with her teacher and maybe she can help. She also said no.  I told her write her a letter then, and she cried even harder, saying Mom, she just stuffs them in her back pack and don't read them. When I ask her she says she forgot, she's always too busy with other stuff.

I told her to forget her, even though she likes her very much, just to go on without her. It's not worth all the grief.  I said to play with her other friends.

This really broke my heart!

She said I only have one friend Mom. And when she's sick I just sit against the wall and do nothing. I said then go join in with the other kids that are playing. She tells me, Mom, they just ignore me. I said then ask to play! She says they still ignore her.

My daughter is a happy child. Lighthearted, smiley, easy going kid. (Just like Mom *G*) She loves everyone. I know she's well liked. I am just out of ideas on what to say or to try and resolve this situation.

I would like to see Jodi and her work it out, if her mother would cooperate.  Ok, so now that I've bored you to death, do have any advice to give this Mother who's heart is being ripped out for her daughter?
MagnoliaBlue
Member
since 05-12-2000
Posts 387


1 posted 05-22-2000 11:52 PM       View Profile for MagnoliaBlue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for MagnoliaBlue

Hi WhtDove..

1st...I feel for you and your daughter.Everyone has been here at sometime or other...just some won't admit it.  

2nd...know that what I am about to say is not meant in a mean way...only feelings and thoughts.

Some of the sweetest, smartest, NICEST kids are ostracized.Too skinny, too tall, too cute, too ugly, too short, too smart, too dumb...on and on...you get the picture.  

I am sorry but kids hurt other kids for some of the dumbest reasons. Usually the other kids parents aren't any help.

It is something that generally doesn't get talked about(by most kids) until sometime someone has their 25th high school reunion or something....Know what I mean ?

Please...be there for your daughter as you are doing...give her love and advice...but talk to her about why she doesn't like a certain kid...or if she knows why some kids aren't liked, etc....don't lead her to say a certain thing...let her see and say it herself.

Go to the school and park...even a block or two away...and you will see LOTS of kids...going home ALONE, walking all by themselves. They look damn sad and nothing you can do about it.Not mom and dad, not the church, not the school...It is sad and it is just life!

Most kids(and most grownups too) don't have a whole lot of FRIENDS..they have 1-3 special friends and that is it...it is enough for MOST all of us.Some people just KNOW a lot of people and have no special friends.

Your daughter will get through this time...just be there for her. Lots of hugging...mostly just LISTEN.

Don't make it sound like you are WORRIED or that it is MORE SEROUS than it it...sometimes that makes it worse for the lonely kid.

You know how sometimes you want to tell your guy something...just to share and not for him to FIX something?  
Sometimes that is all a kid is doing and mom and dad bring out the calvary.

Hugs to you and your daughter!

Just my thoughts...
MagnoliaBlue

 
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


2 posted 05-23-2000 12:05 AM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

MB thank you for taking the time! I do just that. I tell her I'm sorry and that I know it hurts and I hug her bunches.  For that's all I can really do.  I know children can be cruel and I was one that just never understood. I just didn't see people that way.  She knows to talk to God about it all too.

It just breaks a Mom's heart to see your kids so upset. I have 3 of them, and I guess they've all gone through this, but it just seems to hit her worse than it did the others.

Thanks again!
wayoutwalt
Member Ascendant
since 06-22-99
Posts 5106
TEXAS (it's all big)


3 posted 05-23-2000 12:10 AM       View Profile for wayoutwalt   Email wayoutwalt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for wayoutwalt

o man i'm to new at parenting for good advice but yuh i know yuh know prayer helps pray for them and get with your daughter and pray with her too  
X Angel
Senior Member
since 11-07-1999
Posts 1592
Oregon


4 posted 05-23-2000 09:12 AM       View Profile for X Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for X Angel

Yanno some people are loyal to a fault, my husband STILL goes thru some of the things your daughter does (in a grown-up way). He and I just talked about this yesterday, how his brother-in-law (with whom he is great friends) never calls us unless his friend Ty is busy or they are mad at each other. And if Ty is then Mark never leaves us alone...calls ALL the time. Marks a good guy, but he is NOT loyal and very fickle. My only advice to my hubby (mind you...adult to adult advice)was to watch himself and cover his back around Mark and Ty...(skeptical ain't I?)
Anyhoo enough rambling, I've done something for my sons sometimes..."groomed friends". Where one of my boys and another boy got along real well, but didn't do alot together..so I helped further their friendship by inviting the friend to do stuff with us etc etc. Maybe just very gently help your daughter move on to some new friends. At our house we are also pretty honest about how people act (as is "so and so" isn't being a very good friend right now huh?), have you talked honestly to your daughter about her friend? So she can put it in perspective...altho maybe this wouldn't work for your daughter...lol...yannever know!
Well...good luck, and as walt so aptly put..prayer helps these little ones come thru lots of things..
*hugs*
~H
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


5 posted 05-23-2000 10:40 AM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Heather,

I have talked to her about Jodi and Shana.
I told her flat out if they were going to be like that, then she don't need them as friends.  

You've given me an idea, I would like to invite them both over and see what happens.
How they all react to each other. They usually play at school, so I don't get to see what happens.  Thanks  
ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


6 posted 05-24-2000 12:31 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Dear Whtdove,

I am sorry I have no advice for you....
Not a parent yet!
Well, all I can say is this:
I really hope your daughter finds the best way to work through all this. Will you let us know how it goes? Cos though I can do nothing, I am worried for you and she. I know what it is like to be used by so-called friends. She will find some one true and worth her friendship. Just be there for her in this horrible time.

Love and hugs,
Lizzie


 "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight."
PhaerieChild
Senior Member
since 08-30-99
Posts 1829
Aloha, Oregon


7 posted 05-24-2000 12:49 PM       View Profile for PhaerieChild   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PhaerieChild

Rebecca...it's so hard to be a kid. I wish I had some kind of advice to give you. I think inviting the other girls over to see how they interact with each other is a good idea, but then what? If they snub her even in her own home it may cause more problems. If they get along...great. But will that carry over into school? My kids were so close in age that there was always someone to play with so I didn't really have to deal with this problem too much. They all had their occasional fights and arguments but they also all had each other if no one else was around. You have my thoughts and prayers on this one. It's tough to be a mom and to have a sensitive child. I hope she makes some friends that are worthy of what she has to offer. Chin up Mom. She sounds like a great kid and I think if she's anything at all like you, she will be a terrific friend to someone that will value her.

 Poetry~ Words falling on paper, painting a dream.

Shawna R. Holder
Boise, Idaho


White Wolf
Member
since 09-18-99
Posts 384
Somewhere in the vast wastelan


8 posted 05-24-2000 03:05 PM       View Profile for White Wolf   Email White Wolf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for White Wolf

First off, I am not a parent but this situation has really hit home.  I have been where your daughter is.  It isn't easy for her.  I was very trusting and loyal child(and still am as an adult), to a fault.  Hence I get my feelings hurt very easily, for a guy that is.  The only thing I wanted was for my parents to tell me it was going to be alright and to tell me and show me that I was still special to them.  My parents, by the way, were divorced(and still are).  When I would try to talk to them about it all they would say was and I quote, "Go play with the other children and don't worry about it.".  They made it sound like, me tell them was an incovience to them, as if what they were doing was more important that me.  I believe that a child should be one of the most important things in a parent's life and that they(the parents) should demonstate that to their children.

Now I am not saying that you are doing those things, in fact from what I have read you have the right idea.  I can only tell you what I have been through and what I feel.  I have no real advice that could be counted as valuable from a parent's point of view.  Wow this really brought back some of my past that I need to work through. I thank you for starting this post.  It has really been a great help to me.


 If dying is the process of living life to its end.
Then what is living?

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


9 posted 05-25-2000 10:02 AM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Thank you all. Shawna for your prayers m'lady!

Scorched Dragon, though you don't have advice from a parents point of view. Actually to see it from your point of view is very helpful. I'm really glad you expressed how it made you feel.  I can relate to your situation and her situation.
I try to give her different ideas. I try to get her NOT to be so shy and I know she's well liked by the other kids.
I sat with her for the longest time and just held her and let her cry, I know it was tearing her apart. As watching her go through it, tore me apart. It was all I could do to stop myself from crying right along with her.

It's not an easy situation when your a kid, but when it follows you into adulthood, it becomes a bit harder. As far as making good friends!
They say friends will come and go, but your true friends will really stick out.
Better to have one true friend, than a bunch that aren't very true.

My daughter wrote this on a teddy bear, (a paper one of course)
Beary special people are people who stand by eachother until the beary end.

How true is that?  SD, I'm really glad if this has helped you out. Who would have known my problems could help someone else.
If you need to talk I'm here. Just give me an email!  And thank you SO much for expressing your viewpoint! You've helped me out too  

God bless you and I hope everything works out for you!!!

[This message has been edited by WhtDove (edited 05-25-2000).]
eMoTiOnS oVerLoAd
Junior Member
since 05-28-2000
Posts 10


10 posted 05-28-2000 03:21 AM       View Profile for eMoTiOnS oVerLoAd   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eMoTiOnS oVerLoAd

hello...let me start off by saying, im not a mother yet...but what you and your daughter must be going through truly broke my heart.
i have a younger sister she's 6 years old, and ive noticed there are days where i will pick her up from school and i see that something is bothering her.  most of the time it will be about feeling unwanted. In her words its "no one likes me"...and it really kills me, because i really want to help somehow but i just dont know what i could possibly do.  when i was younger i also experienced the same thing, i felt unwanted...i felt miserable going to school and facing all the kids because they did not "like me"...but i realize now...that going through a hard situation like that makes a person 10000000 times stronger!...i know it may be so hard to see your child hurt, because even though im not a mother yet, the love i feel toward my little sister is unconditional, and it is so strong..i feel as though i have to shield her from getting hurt.  now...i have many friends, i know how to treat them, i know how to chose them... it makes a person stronger in the end.
the advice i leave you is this:

be your daughters best friend...if she wants to cry, dont say anything...let her cry...if she wants to talk...dont say anything...let her talk...but if you see that she NEEDS someone to answer her questions...be there for her.  she will eventually find a true friend to her...and if one day she is betrayed or feels lonely...she will KNOW that her mother(her true best friend) was there from the begining...and she will know where to turn!

well...i hope i helped a little bit at least.

and i truly hope that your daughter will find it in her to be strong and find someone true to her in the future...
good luck to both you and your daughter!
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


11 posted 05-28-2000 01:25 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Emotions thank you! You're a great big sister! God bless you for that! My two daughters fight alot.

I am there for her and she knows it. She wrote me this little thank you note last night. She is such a tender soul. May every mother have a daughter like her.
This is what she wrote:
Thank you for staying by my side. I had forgotten how much you take care ofme. Thank you, thank you for caring. Thank you.

It is sooo sweet! Brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you all for sharing with me! I really appreciate it!  Emotions, I'm really warmed at the love you have for your sister. I hope that never changes!
Isis
Member Ascendant
since 09-06-99
Posts 6390
Sunny Queensland


12 posted 05-29-2000 12:25 AM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

Dylan is going through the same problems but at preschool level.  He wants a best friend, they are for a while, then move on, sometimes from his mistakes, or just moving on as young children do.  He wants a best friend soooooo  badly.  i try to encourage him to have lots of friends but he wants a special friend just for him.  He is an only child, and I wonder whether that is part of it too.
So you aren't alone Rebecca, and if you have any tips for me I'm all ears.
It is hard for them finding their way in the world...

 I'll tell you this...... No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.....
~Isis~
(Goddess - Sovereign of the Spirit)


Isis
Member Ascendant
since 09-06-99
Posts 6390
Sunny Queensland


13 posted 05-29-2000 12:28 AM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

Emotions - I try to do that for Dylan but being his mother is somehow different from being his best friend, I am a lot of the time, but sometimes I'm just Mum after all.
Still, a wonderful point you made for both WhtDove and myself, I just wanted to say thanks for the words of wisdom too  

 I'll tell you this...... No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.....
~Isis~
(Goddess - Sovereign of the Spirit)


eMoTiOnS oVerLoAd
Junior Member
since 05-28-2000
Posts 10


14 posted 05-29-2000 11:57 PM       View Profile for eMoTiOnS oVerLoAd   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for eMoTiOnS oVerLoAd

hi again! im glad i was a help in some way...
just give it time...like i said before i had the same problem as a child, but it got easier along the way to make my friends.

i see you are both great mothers for being there for your children...keep up the good work! =)

veronika
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


15 posted 05-30-2000 12:42 AM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Lisa I think you're right. Being a best friend and a mom don't always work together. Though she knows I'm always there for her. And that's good enough for me.  I wish you lick with Dylan and I hope he's feeling better really soon!

It's tough to watch your babies hurt, but I guess that's just part of life you have to go through. Geez, if I could only remember what I did when back then  

Thank you all you're GREAT!
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