...I wish that all your warm hearts could have made a difference in my feelings. I don't even know what i am looking for by posting that msg. I have thought of everything you guys have, but it's just not enough. I have no one here I can turn to. My family I don't even like talking to. They have not heard a word from me sence this all started. Only my sister knows what's going on alittle. I wasn't even the one who told her. And most of my friends do not live here. They are mostly all internet friends. .....
I don't think I'm gonna snap out of this one. I have made myself sick like this. I keep wanting to call my doctor, but am afraid they will call me crazy and lock me up.
What hurts the most is that i'm alone, when all I do is be there for others. And even with all this pain I am feeling, I continue to be there for others. I take in there pain and i don't show them mine.
Someone could hate me, but I could not hate them. I may get frusterated with them, but never hate. Those who are not here for me, I feel sorry for. Anyone who can not deal with an others problem, especially when it comes to someone who says they love me, they are the ones who needs someone there for them. They are the ones who needs a helping hand. ....but so do I.
I have been given a choice of leaving. It's dangerous, but at this point I think I am more dangerous then what's out there. A friend, not a close friend, but still a friend, has told me I can move in with him and his other room mate. He said he can probably get me a job where he is. ...I have already done the worst I could have done, I gave up my son to his father, even though he has not realized it yet. And I am not ready to look after him again right now. It breaks my heart to have to do that, but I have no choice....I'm to out of control.
If I were to leave I would go without telling anyone where I'm going. I would leave a note for everyone I feel would need one. But I really don't feel I would be missed by many. I only have my best friend who I concider my little sister. But i could never talk to her about things like this. She doesn't understand. You'd have to live in this world on your own to understand my feelings. You'd have to understand what it really feels like to be alone. .....
I'm not making sence anymore....
I want help, I am begging for help... But i don't know what would help me. i don't know what i need. I don't know....i don't know...
Another day like this is gonna hurt so much. ... i can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't look after myself at all right now. ...I hear my son when he is not here. i hear him cry but why? I here the phone ring, but it isn't. ....And i think it's dumb, but I even feel someone holding me when there is no one there holding me.
....I apologize for all the pain in the world. I apologize for not keeping my strength to help others. I apologize for all the wrong i have done, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I apologize for everything! This is not the way we are supposed to live. We are not supposed to feel this much pain, we are not supposed to let war happen. Not any kind of war. Should it be between two people or more....It is not supposed to happen, and I apologize, I apologize.
One Tin Soldier
Listen children to a story
That was written long ago
'Bout a Kingdom on a Mountain
And the Valley Folk below
On the Mountain was a treasure
Buried deep beneath a stone
And the Valley people swore
They'd have it for their very own
Go ahead and hate your neighbor,
Go ahead and cheat a friend
Do it in the name of heaven,
Justify it in the end
There won't be any trumpets blowin'
Come the Judgement Day
On the bloody morning after
One tin soldier rides away.
So the people of the Valley
Sent a message up the hill
Asking for the buried treasure
Tons of gold for which they'd kill
Came an answer from the Kingdom
"With our brothers we will share
All the secrets of our Mountain,
All the riches buried there."
Now the Valley cried with anger
"Mount your horses, draw your sword!"
And they killed the Mountain People
So they won their just reward
Now they stood beside the treasure
On the mountain, dark and red
Turned the stone and looked beneath it
"Peace on Earth" was all it said.