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Stuck in a world of confusion.

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WhisperingWind
Junior Member
since 03-02-2000
Posts 28
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 03-16-2000 02:11 PM       View Profile for WhisperingWind   Email WhisperingWind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for WhisperingWind


   ....I never thought I would post a msg asking for help. I'm always the type to keep my mouth shut about myself. I never want anyone to know me to well. And that is why I am now stuck in my own problem.  No one understands me now, when I now need them to understand me the most.  
   About four days ago it all started. My son was at his fathers and would be coming back to me the following day, I was at my bf's for the last night being alone. ....Nights have always been the hardest for me. I get very depressed and I don't want the sun to come up the next morning.  It passes though, but not this time.
   I knew my son was coming back in the afternoon, but I just felt I needed more time alone. It's very hard to look after a 1 and a half yr old when you are feeling confused and your mind is feeling lost.    When morning came I was still depressed. My bf drove me home and I went back to bed. I stayed in bed til the last minute I could b4 my son got here. My depression was just so bad. Even when night came and I put my son to bed, I still couldn't deal with things.  
   Thoughts came up in my head. I was for hours
trying to figure out what was best for everyone, and for myself.  Killing myself was out of the question. So what was in the question?!
   In the morning I would drop my son back off at his fathers, unplaned. Then I would take off without a cent of money and leaving with only what I wear on my body.....
   With thoughts like that I felt I should have someone come and see me that night. My bf blew me off. He said he already got plans to go out to a bar. That made me feel even worse that he wouldn't come to see me when I was feeling out of control. I was afraid for my sons life. I wanted to walk out that door and leave, but i couldn't do that to my son. So instead I stayed within the walls of my room. Trapped in four corners. I lost it, I freaked. I was feeling so alone and out of control, I started crying then got mad. I was exausted from all the different emotions going through my body at once. I hit the wall over and over with my elbow. For hours I continued that behaveour, then finally fell back on my bed and stared at the shadows in my room and cried.  
   I never thought emotional pain could hurt so bad. My body just shut down, but my mind was still full of confusion and anger. But from what?  
   I had myself screaming to my room to take the pain away. But what pain?  My arm wasn't hurting (yet), it wasn't anything physical that someone could see.  
   I fell asleep soon after, I guess.  In the morning I did talk to my sons father and asked him to come get him because I am un able to look after him in my condition. He doesn't understand. No one does.  I broke up with my bf that night. In all my anger I broke up with him when I really would not have.
   My sons father ignored me til the next day which was yesturday (wed). I got a ride up to him with his son and dropped my son off.  My bf(ex) was the one who drove me and my son there. He stayed with me last night. But my emotions are still uncontrollable. But why?  I cry all the time and I keep wanting to leave. I havn't spoke to hardly anyone about this, I'm afraid of causing others to worry. But my pain is so strong.
   My doctor had given me a prescription for depression pills a couple weeks ago, but i never got them. I don't want to be on pills all the time though. And we wouldn't know if they are working until 6 weeks. I can't wait that long. It's been four days of hurting from nothing.
   I didn't know where else to turn, so i turned to these posts.  And if this post is unexseptable to be posted, then i apologize.  

-WhisperingWind.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


1 posted 03-16-2000 03:01 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

My heart aches for you...But first, know this I am not a professional, and any time
you fear that you may do violence to yourself or others--YOU MUST GET HELP. Please, call someone you can count on, trust enough to open up--Glad you got rid of the boyfriend--please, please, call someone today.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.
Words are already inadequate--and may only serve to confuse you more...But i'll be checking up on you, and am asking the Devine
to send legions of angels your way.  Hugs and
prayers, love be with you.
danni
Senior Member
since 11-20-1999
Posts 693
wisconsin


2 posted 03-16-2000 05:12 PM       View Profile for danni   Email danni   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for danni

i think i can honestly say that i know what you are feeling. my son was 6 months old when i found out my boyfriend of 4 years, and father of my son was cheating on me. He had done it many times before, but like a fool, i always thought he would change. Especially now that i was carrying his son. Well, obviously he didn't. And this time he told me he was leaving. So there i was, stuck with a $500 a month apartment, no job, and a baby with special needs. And now I was going to be alone. My friends were the ones that my bf had cheated with. So i didn't even have those to turn to. Luckily, I do have a wonderful family to help me. But on the other hand i couldn't tell them all that i was going through. I stayed in deep depression for a year. Layed on the couch, and didn't do anything with myself or my life. I did take care of my son's needs, but that was all i could bring myself to do. And i hid it all so well that nobody knew just how deep and to what extent it went. Then, finally i got mad enough to say to myself that i was not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I have a family now, and I am not going to allow a man to destroy me. And that helped some. At least i started trying to acheive something for myself. But it still didn't deal with the emotions. And everytime i slowed down it all would hit me again. And since i had hidden it for so long, i still didn't feel comfortable going to anyone. I too didn't want to be on medication. And i felt like my problems were nothing compared to what other people have to deal with. So i didn't feel worhty of professional help. Or even worthy of feeling so badly. That's where i think i made my mistake. I felt guilty for what i was going through, and for feeling sorry for myself. When in actuality, i had every right to feel that way. I've been dealt a rough hand in many aspects of my life. And i have a right to get tired and sad and angry. I can't be tough every minute of every day. I am only human. Once i accepted that, things started to slowly get better. And while things aren't perfect, and in reality, things will never be perfect, they are better. And i can finally voice some of the pain i have dealt with. But, i also couldn't have done it without my mom, who knows me like no other. Even better than i know myself. And she was able to notice some of it. Not all of it, but enough to bring some of it out of me. And eventually, i would open up and tell her more. She will never know about it all, but she has helped so much that i feel i can work through the rest. So if you do have a close family member or friend to turn to, let them in on some of it so that you may find a little strength to help you through what you don't want to talk about. And if you fear for the safety and well being of your child, then by all means, seek professional help. He and you deserve to be happy and healthy, and together. I hope this might help you in some way. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. Good luck, and don't be afraid to ask for, or even demand, what you need. You and your son have every right to happiness!
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


3 posted 03-16-2000 05:13 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

WhisperingWind..

You begin by saying that you're not one for seeking help, and that you always keep your feelings within.  In that case, you've taken a giant step by sharing your needs with the poets here at Passions.

It's wonderful that you felt enough trust to seek the support of our members.  Poets are really a compassionate bunch for sure.  
You'll get plenty of support here.  Remember, a couple of things, my friend.  Very few of us have actually met face to face.  Nearly all of our relationships here, close as they may be, are cyber-friends.  We do become as close as any friends in "real" time, without doubt, but we also have limitations.

I'm sure everyone here will be a comfort for you.  Can I suggest to you, please, that you take the next step soon.  Confide in someone who's very close to you in your daily life.  Who you choose isn't as important as actually doing it.  Talk to a family member, a dear friend, a co-worker... as long as it's someone you trust (maybe someone who's had the same experience).  If you can bring yourself to seek professional counseling, by all means - do so.  

You'd be amazed, though, that you'll feel immensely better when you've lessened this burden you're carrying around.

Our Passions poets are here for you, but there aren't many professional counselors among us... just lots of caring people.  I wish you all the luck in the world - and hang in there.  You're absolutely right in acknowledging to yourself that your baby needs you badly...

God Bless
Nancy
RainbowGirl
Member Elite
since 07-31-99
Posts 3167
United Kingdom


4 posted 03-16-2000 05:49 PM       View Profile for RainbowGirl   Email RainbowGirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RainbowGirl's Home Page   View IP for RainbowGirl

Oh sweetheart...this sounds like it came so directly from your heart it brought tears, but my tears aren't going to help you..  

You do need some help but probably more importantly, someone you can talk to or even many different people who will all have a different point of view and suggestions for you and I don't think anyone would be judgemental...we all go through tough times but it sounds like you've almost reached the end of your limits...I guess in a long winded way I'm trying to say you need some good old solid support, the reliable kind, not people who will let you down when you need them most and that's the great thing about this place, there's always someone about to lend an ear or give a hug or two...

My concern is for both you and your child but probably a little bit more for him as he is so very vulnerable...do you have any family that could share with you in looking after him until you can see things more positively? Or maybe a friend somewhere?...I'd help but I live too far away to be of any practical help but you can always bend my ear anytime you like...

I think you've been very brave in trusting such an open board and I believe that will be treated with the utmost respect...

Take a deep breath sweetheart, the first step is always the hardest and from here you can only go up...well done..  

Big HUGS

 I love the way I look in your eyes, I'm just me tho'...
We are all works in progress, no?



[This message has been edited by RainbowGirl (edited 03-16-2000).]
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


5 posted 03-16-2000 07:58 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

You've gotten some wonderful advice here. I hope you can find someone to talk to, I've sent you an ICQ message..I'm here if you want to talk........ Sharon
WhisperingWind
Junior Member
since 03-02-2000
Posts 28
Ontario, Canada


6 posted 03-17-2000 08:23 AM       View Profile for WhisperingWind   Email WhisperingWind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for WhisperingWind

   ...I wish that all your warm hearts could have made a difference in my feelings.  I don't even know what i am looking for by posting that msg. I have thought of everything you guys have, but it's just not enough.  I have no one here I can turn to.  My family I don't even like talking to.  They have not heard a word from me sence this all started.  Only my sister knows what's going on alittle. I wasn't even the one who told her.  And most of my friends do not live here. They are mostly all internet friends. .....
   I don't think I'm gonna snap out of this one. I have made myself sick like this. I keep wanting to call my doctor, but am afraid they will call me crazy and lock me up.  
   What hurts the most is that i'm alone, when all I do is be there for others. And even with all this pain I am feeling, I continue to be there for others. I take in there pain and i don't show them mine.
   Someone could hate me, but I could not hate them. I may get frusterated with them, but never hate.  Those who are not here for me, I feel sorry for.  Anyone who can not deal with an others problem, especially when it comes to someone who says they love me, they are the ones who needs someone there for them. They are the ones who needs a helping hand.  ....but so do I.
   I have been given a choice of leaving. It's dangerous, but at this point I think I am more dangerous then what's out there. A friend, not a close friend, but still a friend, has told me I can move in with him and his other room mate. He said he can probably get me a job where he is. ...I have already done the worst I could have done, I gave up my son to his father, even though he has not realized it yet. And I am not ready to look after him again right now. It breaks my heart to have to do that, but I have no choice....I'm to out of control.
   If I were to leave I would go without telling anyone where I'm going. I would leave a note for everyone I feel would need one. But I really don't feel I would be missed by many. I only have my best friend who I concider my little sister. But i could never talk to her about things like this.  She doesn't understand. You'd have to live in this world on your own to understand my feelings. You'd have to understand what it really feels like to be alone.  .....
   I'm not making sence anymore....
   I want help, I am begging for help... But i don't know what would help me. i don't know what i need. I don't know....i don't know...
   Another day like this is gonna hurt so much.  ... i can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't look after myself at all right now. ...I hear my son when he is not here. i hear him cry but why? I here the phone ring, but it isn't. ....And i think it's dumb, but I even feel someone holding me when there is no one there holding me.
   ....I apologize for all the pain in the world. I apologize for not keeping my strength to help others. I apologize for all the wrong i have done, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I apologize for everything! This is not the way we are supposed to live.  We are not supposed to feel this much pain, we are not supposed to let war happen. Not any kind of war. Should it be between two people or more....It is not supposed to happen, and I apologize, I apologize.
   ....

One Tin Soldier

Listen children to a story
That was written long ago
'Bout a Kingdom on a Mountain
And the Valley Folk below

On the Mountain was a treasure
Buried deep beneath a stone
And the Valley people swore
They'd have it for their very own

Chorus -
Go ahead and hate your neighbor,
Go ahead and cheat a friend
Do it in the name of heaven,
Justify it in the end
There won't be any trumpets blowin'
Come the Judgement Day
On the bloody morning after
One tin soldier rides away.

So the people of the Valley
Sent a message up the hill
Asking for the buried treasure
Tons of gold for which they'd kill

Came an answer from the Kingdom
"With our brothers we will share
All the secrets of our Mountain,
All the riches buried there."

   Chorus

Now the Valley cried with anger
"Mount your horses, draw your sword!"
And they killed the Mountain People
So they won their just reward
Now they stood beside the treasure
On the mountain, dark and red
Turned the stone and looked beneath it
"Peace on Earth" was all it said.

   Chorus
Danny Holloway
Member Elite
since 01-15-2000
Posts 2072
Tulsa, OK


7 posted 03-17-2000 11:30 AM       View Profile for Danny Holloway   Email Danny Holloway   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Danny Holloway

Hello WhisperingWind, have you sought help from your church.(just wondering)  Spiritual support may be important at this time in your life.  I believe it can give you focus when none seems to be there.  If you are not a member of a church, pick one out and talk to the minister, priest, paster, whoever.  Most churchs have support groups and would welcome you into their arms.  They are non-judgemental and caring. If you have run out of things to try in your life, try God. You may meet someone in a Church that gives your life a whole new meaning.
This is just a suggestion for this low point in your life.  I wish you the best and hope your life gets better.  If you want an ear, feel free to e-mail me.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


8 posted 03-17-2000 09:25 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Lovie, there is more understanding here than you know.  You should see a doctor, have your hormonal balances checked!  You KNOW you just had a baby!  It could be something very simple...But to get through the days...
find what feeds your spirits, and DO it!  Whatever it is that drains you--STOP it...
One cannot partake of water from an empty well...and please. feel free to e mail me:
"soliwitch@juno.com."  Love to you and angel
wings...
White Wolf
Member
since 09-18-99
Posts 384
Somewhere in the vast wastelan


9 posted 03-18-2000 02:35 AM       View Profile for White Wolf   Email White Wolf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for White Wolf

WhisperingWind-  I know what it is to be alone.  Lonliness has plagued me most of my life.  I have had very few friends and even more heartbreaks.  I know the feeling is unbearable.  You want to break things.  To explode at anyone who gives you cause.  I didn't know how I was going to live to the next day, but somehow I did.  But the worst of all was I had no one to talk to.  No one who wanted to listen.  They would tell me that I should get professional help when all I wanted was for someone to understand.  I don't like to admit this but I used to hit my sister when I was younger(about six, seven or eight years old).  After that I would just wait for my dad to do something that would just offend me a bit and then give him an emotional explosion.  They say time is the greatest healer.  That is certianly what happened with me.  I am currently mending or should I say reconstructing my relationship with my dad.  Well I don't know if I made any sense but I have tried to put in my peace and an offer to help you any way I can.  My email address is Justin1076@aol.com or you can just leave a message on here for me.  Things will get better and you are not insane.

SD


 If dying is the process of living life to its end.
Then what is living?

Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


10 posted 03-20-2000 12:17 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

You want someone who can understand the pain and who will just listen to you. You want someone to let you sob in their arms for hours and blubber incoherently. You want someone who will let you feel what you are feeling and even if they do not understand they do care. They listen without trying to fix it because you are the only one who can fix it. You want someone to be there justbecause with no demands.

I know this is what you need because this is what I need. I know your situation because I have lived it for the past 3 years. The longer I pushed the feelings aside in order to continue living day to day, the more intense these feelings came to the surface. No matter how hard you try you can't seem to do it right.

I would like you to e-mail me so that we can talk about this more. I have 3 children that I have been nurturing thoughout this time. I have no help or support from my ex. He lives 1500 miles away. Can I relate to what you are feeling...yes. Can I offer you what you need....probably not but I can try. Will you give me a chance to help you?
Stephen Jones
Member
since 02-26-2000
Posts 58


11 posted 03-21-2000 11:18 PM       View Profile for Stephen Jones   Email Stephen Jones   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Stephen Jones

Whispering wind,

I know you don't know me.  My name is Stephen.  I am 28 years old and married.  I also have a son about 2 years old.  I also know that emotional/ spiritual pain can be the hardest of all.  "The human spirit will endure sickness, but a broken spirit- who can bear?"
(proverbs 18:14).  I just wanted to let you know that I am available to talk to.  There is so much to live for believe me! even though it is difficult to see right now.  You are loved with an everlasting love (and I am not just being poetic).  I really know someone who can help you, and is not afraid to meet you in the depths of your pain and despair.  Consider what I've said.  E-mail address is:
Stephanos28@hotmail.com.  

 
 
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