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Open Poetry #39
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 2006-12-30 12:38 PM



This is a new form I came up with and have been practicing. This poem is one of the practices. Each stanza consists of 4 fifteen syllable lines. The second and third syllables of the first and third lines rhyme with the sixth and seventh syllables of the second and fourth lines and the ending rhymes are a-a-b-b. Anyone want to give it a try?


Young Barney was a fella who would always chase the lasses
He had a line of blarney that could fool the lower classes.
He peddled lines of nonsense with the magic of Houdini
and virtue lost was settled over lunch and amartini.

He could have been a happy man with all his many blessings
And possibly he would have but he loved to keep girls guessing
As women gave him what he wanted, smitten by his charms
Not knowing that a demon playboy held them in his arms.

His youth began to slip away as Barney tried much harder
And, really, if the truth be told, he'd lost the way to barter.
His corny lines had lost their spark, his looks once called endearing
Gave way to age as Barney found his conquests disappearing.

The ending was predictable. Of course, you know it would be.
Too late for fences mending which is just the way it should be.
Have pity for the Barneys and the victims of their choosing
The truth may not be pretty but the fact is all are losing.



© Copyright 2006 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
trutodaraiders
Senior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 820
CA
1 posted 2006-12-30 01:33 AM


Balladeer I think I might have to try this. You did a great job. Not only that, but I liked the story that you told on this poem. Kudos ~Bill
MoonShadow
Senior Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 943
Dark side of the Moon.
2 posted 2006-12-30 05:47 AM


Definately an enjoyable and entertaining musical quality... as much as a limrick. However, in the last two lines of the second quadrain... though I read it many times... I could only squeeze out 14 syllables making it inconsistant with the others of 15 syllables. In any event... congratulations for a remarkably innovative structure.

                MoonShadow

passing shadows
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since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
3 posted 2006-12-30 06:00 AM


whew! too hard for me to even think about!

enjoyed!

Enchantress
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since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
4 posted 2006-12-30 09:10 AM


Wonderful work 'Deer!
I'll keep this and have another look see after my second cup ok?
You are a marvelous writer!

Sing in me muse...
and through me tell the story~

Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
5 posted 2006-12-30 10:08 AM


Thank you all for enjoying. Moon Shadow, you are absolutely right. Actually, 14 syllables is my normal structure of choice and I tried to stretch this one out to fifteen and those two lines slipped right by me. Thanks for pointing it out!
Denise
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Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

6 posted 2006-12-31 05:17 AM


I have a hard enough time even writing out my food shopping list lately. No way I could pull off something like this!

You certainly are talented Michael!

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
7 posted 2006-12-31 06:55 AM


I got one verse almost done then figured it would drive me crazy( as if I am not almost halfway there as it is   

Not an easy task although I do like  challenges!

Happy New Year, Mike


M

Michael
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Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666
California
8 posted 2006-12-31 08:04 AM


Haha....

<---- give Barney a moment to stop laughing.

o.k.   Well, you sucked me in with you "new style" claim but I somehow find this every bit enjoyable as all your great works, Mike.  Lukily this Barney has a wonderful wife or I might have had to take this one personal.  

Martie
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since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
9 posted 2006-12-31 11:47 AM


Deer...any style you find, I'll play and then rewind.  Happy New Year!  
Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

10 posted 2006-12-31 12:01 PM


Dear Deer, any style that you write is something that I am going to love,

and that m'friend is a fact.

Hugs to you and Happy New Year, too!!


Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
11 posted 2006-12-31 12:56 PM


I will get right on it   Really enjoyed this Michael and Happy New Year to you and Frannie.

         

Marge Tindal
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since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
12 posted 2007-01-01 08:53 AM


Balladeer~
Happy New Year to you and the New STYLE looks great on you too~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email -             noles1@totcon.com

Magnus
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since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
13 posted 2007-01-01 06:14 PM


Shuckers....he beat me to it....yep, I
counted 14 as well...  An interesting
exploration you have going here Mr. Deer...

latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
14 posted 2007-01-01 07:02 PM


Counting is not something I would venture. But it looks good, reads good and is fun to boot. So you go right ahead my friend. I enjoyed the poem, the story and the hard work. best to you, late...
SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown
15 posted 2007-01-01 07:10 PM


Golly gee, Balladeer. I haven't even gotten the Iambic Pentameter down, yet. How would I ever get this one? Wish I was SMARTER. Maybe, I should change my ID name. Actually, my muse up and left me a few months ago. And she never has returned.
Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
16 posted 2007-01-01 07:40 PM


On the first day of this new year I'm really not capable to give this a go Deer. Gosh, my head is still spinning from last night. Too much Glüh wine I suppose
Maybe tomorrow...or the day after...we'll see if I can figure it out some day LOL
Enjoyed the read though, as always.

Happy New Year

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Kethry
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082
Victoria Australia
17 posted 2007-01-02 04:44 PM


I think I have to think about this a bit longer...but you did an excellent job. Fifteen syllables is a lot for one line... nearly a haiku in one space.

a good commitee can decimate communication.

Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622
Ala bam a
18 posted 2007-01-03 08:06 AM


Yea right....can you just imagine Toerag trying this?....
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

19 posted 2007-01-03 11:02 AM


You are a challenging man.



saving this--

great form m'deer.

Brian James
Member
since 2005-06-26
Posts 147
Winnipeg
20 posted 2007-04-19 05:45 PM


This is old hat for you, Deer, admit it.  It's just iambic heptameter with double rhymes.  Although maybe that means you're getting in touch with your feminine side...

That said, I do think the double rhyme suits your style, since it has such a tendency to emphasize the sing-song aspect of the poetry and is so appropriate in light verse.  It'll be good for balderdash at least.


"To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form."
~Robert Frost

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