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Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member

since 2002-05-22

Posts 1667
New York

0 posted 2006-10-16 05:46 AM

Your memory fades into the shadows of my mind.
Leaving me alone in this darkness.
Your words leave little comfort,
I shouldn't have been so naive.

To trust you,
was to trust a brick wall that was not properly cemented between.

To love you,
was an unbearable sacrifice,
a mistake.

Indeed,
to say goodbye.
Would take a miracle.

Its over now, you and me.
So move on, and grow old.
But Please remember me,
with once you loved.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

1 posted 2006-10-16 07:16 AM

how deeply I understand

JLHunter
Senior Member

since 2006-10-08

Posts 557
CA United States

2 posted 2006-10-16 10:38 AM

Hi, Kellie.

Wonderfully sad write.

"I'm not scared." HAHAHA

Okay, here goes:

"Its over now, you and me."

"It's" (it is), instead of "Its."

and

"But Please remember me,
with once you loved."

"...whom you loved," or "...whom you once loved," or "...the one you loved," or finally (I know, WHEW!

), "...with love."

John xo

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member

since 2002-05-22

Posts 1667
New York

3 posted 2006-10-16 03:32 PM

Now where do you get off telling people.... hehe just kidding!!!!! Sorry you set me up for that one... no harsh feelings just a little humor to lighten my mood.

Thank You for the critique. It takes balls to have enough guts to positively critique someone in this day and age in fear of getting whiplash from verbal assault as I began to illustrate in a joking manner. Thank you so much I very much appreciate it and will be fixing this poem soon!

sandgrain
Member Elite

since 1999-09-21

Posts 3662
Sycamore, IL, USA

4 posted 2006-10-16 11:59 PM

Sometimes writing gets you beyond some of the heartache, so I'm glad to see you do that. It's sad that we have to have these hurts, but hopefully you'll find as I did, there are better options waiting. Nice poem.

God bless,
Rae

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