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Open Poetry #38
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elisalie16
Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118
new jersey

0 posted 2006-07-15 07:52 PM



the man draped in black,
who glimmered with gold,
revealed himself to us completely
but only a half at a time.
his face shone softly, though not quite with warmth
and offered solace when
we had felt we'd lost our way around the cul-de-sac at the end of the block we grew up on.
as he ushered us back to the beds we belonged in
your cheekbones rose to form a grin that
your eyes had held for so long before.
there were slivvers of light that played on your face
and told me your name,
and to this day i cannot figure out
how they reflected so sharply through the cover of night.
a forget-me-not hum swirled on your tounge and entwined with your lips
to mix with the air that was thick with sweat.
my head bowed back for a last moment's glance,
before my eyes were squeezed shut and
the frosted glass of a window melted against my resting cheek,
deepening the tones of pink my fever had began.
i flickered my eyes when we started to move,
and i saw the man who dressed in night
clasp his fingers together and nod his head slowly
while the clouds of dust we left behind, to swell and pulse
clung to his sunday-best and monday's fear.
and though we saw, and maybe even understood
the ships we'd caused to sink ...
a few quick breaths and
a revolving red light were all it took
to whisk us away and smash our heads, once more,
into feather and silk.


© Copyright 2006 Anne - All Rights Reserved
aziza
Member Elite
since 2006-07-09
Posts 2995
Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy!
1 posted 2006-07-15 08:48 PM


I like this a lot.  There are beautiful images in your words.

aziza

elisalie16
Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118
new jersey
2 posted 2006-07-15 09:42 PM




thank you very very much aziza

elisalie16
Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118
new jersey
3 posted 2006-07-16 03:14 AM


i actually dont know about this poem. something sounds wrong. anyone have suggestions?
Marge Tindal
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Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
4 posted 2006-07-16 01:42 PM


Anne~
I would tend to agree with you in a feeling that something isn't quite 'right' with this piece~
It doesn't feel complete~

You've got some killer lines of thought in this piece ... maybe make the time to take your time and rework it for a more complete package~

I greatly like it ... but feel that it's worth a self-polishing~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email -       noles1@totcon.com       

The Lady
Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634
The Southwest
5 posted 2006-07-16 05:01 PM




I am simply astounded and in love with it, Anne.



elisalie16
Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118
new jersey
6 posted 2006-07-19 01:26 PM


thank you thank you. i cant really figure out what exactly it's missing? which portion/thought needs to be elabortated on...
Beau de L'air
Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105
Middlesex, England
7 posted 2006-08-09 01:40 PM


Intimations of Edgar A. Poe in some of it, but you might want to edit it to make it even creepier.....!!!!!!  OOOOOOOOOOOOO......

So... "And I saw the man who dressed in night" is poetry.

"Clasp his fingers together and nod his head slowly"  is prose.

"And to this day I cannot figure out" is just chat!

"Revealed himself to us completely" is prose and so on.

IMHO I think you should continue with your poetry which you are obviously gifted at, and drop your prose chatter, unless you're writing to a friend..   Hey!  don't forget, you're good!  And you haven't written 15,000 posts like some who are "natso" good.

elisalie16
Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 118
new jersey
8 posted 2006-08-09 02:10 PM


hahaha thank you. i just write. i dont know it doesnt matter to me what it is really. your compliments do mean a lot to me. i actually dont know the differences between poetry prose and so on. some of them are just chatting because its what i think/feel when writing.
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