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Open Poetry #35
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Trying Dark Poetry
| Open Poetry #35 |
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Trying Dark Poetry |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296
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Don't be nice...as you all are, tell me what you think, offer any critique, naughty or nice... Trying dark poetry....tell me, do you feel this...I've read so many poems here which really pull me in and wrap me in the illusion....???? Poster inmate Gothic realism rants Spacious lagoon, forgotten stench The room where I bleed Dark Psyche feeds on me Dungeon of pessimistic Poisoned Falling Strangling Falling Mortality becomes my shadow Crawling like black roaches Embracing the dark images Offensive and dribbling Judge or believe, the mobs drill Holding a gun to the heads of independent Saints weaken Burning another day Blood money to satin Stagnant waters realize scarlet fever Pooled with…I’m never wrong Rein in the horses slaughter the lamb I won't be fooled or foolish, Fear the slobbering grins the barred teeth criptic voices What are they talking about? What and whose hands are those Help me Help me Don't let me fall... Insanity feels a crowded store Where ravens look with dead black eyes Obsessed whisperings feeding frenzies Skeletal blasphemies Finger the lump on my breasts radiation burning black liquid pouring in my veins Cynical memories become friends Predicting mind flashes Complex Reflex Dear God amidst this pain Inner plague Do you pray to? while I stagger and vomit the fever's 102 Are you the draft strangely amused? I'm so cold, so very cole Help me, I’m lost in a place I've never known Amongst a human paradox Arsenic leash rips my neck Am I real Smother me with self worth Numb Dumb night Is this the Rapture Has everyone gone on but me? Pain and disbelief Hurtling me to the ground jumping all over my body God, it's cold in here I taste its blood, it's venum penitrates the cross Blood money pushing me to the ground Feel it’s rancid breath on me closer, closer still it's inside Stealing my lungs My heart My legs I am tattooed in horror They say, "Count backwards" I make it to 9 |
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| © Copyright 2005 Lee J. - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
so many lines stand out for me...I won't quote them all, but oh this has a frightful impact...well done...  |
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NightFall Member
since 2004-01-28
Posts 88The land known as England |
i really liked this, you should repost in dark poetry, well written. C.J The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
I must agree with Sea, But with that said Seems more of a rant than a poem Not that there’s anything wrong with ranting, But a poem needs more, At least in my opinion. Gloom |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Is there something in the air? Last night I posted a "Dark" poem ~ "One Moonless Night". It was fun writing from my Yin side! You write Dark as well as you write Light! Your poem was gripping and attention-holding! Very well done!!! Love & Light & Dark & More Light! lol Linda  |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Lee, so many lines in this one seem to me to be the nugget of a poem in and of themselves. You had too much in here for me. I'll have to take time to digest it, I think. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
how bout if I use smaller font...LOL Seriously, thanks to all of you for your time and honest critique, I'll keep trying |
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MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
intense and thought provoking~ My spirit will rise |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
wow I like this, keep experimenting |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Honestly...I think (we're already in trouble when I THINK!) you've too many independent, stand-alone sentences with no real connection of flow between them. A "rant", more or less, as was stated earlier. That said, I think, (there's that word again) pretty well everything you've said here can be used by instilling a connection between them. The darkness is definitely there...now you've just got to pull the reader along, from thought to thought, make him fall through it, not force his way down. Know what I mean?? In any case, you know I ALWAYS truly enjoy your stuff!! Jimmy |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
I'm like SEA -- it's just too hard to pick a winner in this one..... ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation will be in Philadelphia soon for The Race for the Cure...I've worked one of the stands there, and have had the opportunity to witness many heart wrenching stories, from survivors, their families, and the not so lucky....anyway, since this somewhat hit home for me, thought I'd try expressing my thoughts and feelings about it, in Dark Poetry, many thanks to all of your for reading and commenting. Hugs Lee J. |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Hmmm...coupled with your response to my announcement of the breast cancer site and your mention of the Race for the Cure, I'd take this to be an expression of the angst and fear one feels with cancer. It is an interested assemblage of thoughts. (Glad the breast cancer site touched you...Ken) Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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HopeS Member Elite
since 2000-12-22
Posts 4596Perth Western Australia |
I read through again after you mentioned cancer and yes that would be the anger and fear coming out...... although I am sure we all have a dark and light sight Hope |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
enjoyed you ms leej they say write it without spending time there or it will cover your new days eyes with a cloud... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
And here I saw something else altogether. Fear would make ones thoughts disjointed, "stand alone thoughts" as it were... Good attempt. I normally do not care for dark poetry, but you've got me reading most anything you write. And you know what that means...  |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
from reading your other work, and then this i think you just can't write dark poetry for the sake of writing dark poetry. there seems to be far too much light, hope, optimism, and faith in you for that. to quote an old song, you have to tbe the one in the corner losing your religion. -majnu |
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