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Dark Poetry #1

Redundancy

baerlon
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 197
Youngstown and East Liverpool, Ohio, USA

0 posted 2000-01-21 04:50 AM

I wake to sleep
… sleep to wake
The clock always ticking
The gears always grinding
Deceived by my very perception of reality
Tormented by my misunderstandings
All day I spend waiting in line
All night I spend checking out
Cycle upon cycle I ponder … why
Cycle upon cycle I wonder … how
By what means have I accepted this crown of thorns
To what ends must I bare upon us this cross
Perceptions of what may have been run though thou
The possibilities of what could be seem to became lost
Slowly I fall to my knees praying for sanity
Then I realize as I close my eyes
I wake to sleep
… sleep to wake

I would not mine some suggestions upon this one. I cannot find a way to make it run smooth. My mind seems to be at lost on this one yet I want to finish it.
Thanks
baerlon

Vampire'sMistress
Junior Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 19

1 posted 2000-01-21 05:28 AM

hi baerlon,

Unfortunately I am not able to help you but when reading it I felt a kind of despair which seems to be similar to what I feel when lying some nights in my bed without sleep. It's really hard to express this - but I like your lines right now.

Good Luck,
VM

Bojopy
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 391

2 posted 2000-01-22 02:41 AM

I dont think it needs to be more smooth.. It may need to be a little longer but I really liked it...

"Write down what you say if what you say is not written down" (Bojopy)

baerlon
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 197
Youngstown and East Liverpool, Ohio, USA

3 posted 2000-01-22 03:49 AM

Yeah i think it needs to longer as well. I see what i can do with it.

G. A. Webb
Member

since 2000-01-21

Posts 441
Stanton, California, USA

4 posted 2000-01-22 04:35 AM

This is well written, but I'd have to agree that it seems to be missing something. Perhaps extending is the answer. Give it a day or so and then look at it again. You never know what you might find...Well done.

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