hey please comment if you want to ofcourse! ;-)

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Teen Poetry #7

hey please comment if you want to ofcourse! ;-)

broken627
Member

since 2003-11-26

Posts 66
Eugene Oregon

0 posted 2004-01-05 03:52 AM

talking to you again
seems so sudden
the sound of your voice sends my heart into oblivion
i know i cant do this again
it puzzles my heart and my mind
as to why i should let you in this one last time
this is what ive been waiting for
everything i want and more
but something just doesnt seem right
but when im with you my mind loses all sight
of right and wrong this whole thing is just the same old song
i thrive for your touch
but i cant go through this again i know this much
so just let me down easily
before i fall to fast
you dont deserve my future
and you already have my past

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

1 posted 2004-01-05 04:15 AM

I liked this...especially the last 4 lines, the last 2 in particular. I've been in your position, and it takes a lot of courage to walk away from something like that. I tried to write about it many times and I couldn't ever get anything on paper. You're one step ahead of me

Great job

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

TwistedKnickers
Junior Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 35
Saskatchewan, Canada

2 posted 2004-01-05 08:13 AM

Very nice work on a familiar topic. I loved the last two lines...I think they make the whole poem. Try not to use too many cliches like "same old song". Maybe you could use something to compare that to like the way you know the trees will bend when the wind comes up...something like that.

Hope this helps.

Cat

Poetry is the sculpting of words. We ALL start with a lump of clay.

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