Doubting my Assurance, Sure of my Doubt

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the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

0 posted 2006-07-06 11:50 PM

This is not one of my favorite or my best.. just some feelings that came out all wrong tonight

enjoy and any feedback is welcome.

I can feel the tears swell up,
though I'm trying not to cry.
I'm trying to be strong
before I die inside.

Life has handed me more,
than I wish to take,
and now that I see the outcome,
my heart begins to break.

All the pieces that I had,
multiply once again.
My heart can't take much more of this,
but I'm not ready for the end.

With my pen and paper,
I let my anger out.
Though I am unsure,
I hope for the benefit of my doubt.

I'm glad to say I haven't yet cried,
and my soul is still here,
but with my bad luck slowly killing me,
I'll die soon enough, I fear.

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

1 posted 2006-07-07 12:13 PM

All the pieces that I had,
multiply once again.
My heart can't take much more of this,
but I'm not ready for the end.

I absolutly loved the first two lines of this stanza. idk something about multiplying to me makes it seem like a good thing most of the time, where in this case it was negative. lol sorry if that's wierd.

But yeah, i loved this. I thought the ending was a little off of the rest of the poem but with the introduction, it makes more sense. Keep it up!

<3Erin

myspace username-beautiful_tragidy
I just want to find my way back to you...where love is strong and feels brand new.

John O'Driscoll
Junior Member

since 2006-03-13

Posts 43
Sandy, Utah

2 posted 2006-07-07 01:15 PM

Hey i really liked this one! you have a real talent

John O.

John O'Driscoll
Junior Member

since 2006-03-13

Posts 43
Sandy, Utah

3 posted 2006-07-07 01:15 PM

Hey i really liked this one! you have a real talent

John O.

True happiness is found after you think you have irretrievably lost it

kin3tix
Junior Member

since 2006-07-05

Posts 17
Somewhere wondering...

4 posted 2006-07-07 04:04 PM

Great poem, love the wording. Keep it up

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

5 posted 2006-07-07 04:11 PM

i liked it. it flowed well , it seemed to me.

littlemiss
Junior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 16

6 posted 2006-07-08 07:27 AM

I can feel the tears swell up,
though I'm trying not to cry.
I'm trying to be strong
before I die inside.

Life has handed me more,
than I wish to take,
and now that I see the outcome,
my heart begins to break.

These two verses really stood out at me, I love the way they flow and the meaning behind them, you've wrote it in a way that makes it easy for the reader to relate to and understand what your going through, to feel your pain so to speak.

well done

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

7 posted 2006-07-08 11:44 PM

Thank you all so much.. I really appreciate it.. I'm going through some stuff with my family right now and this just kind of came to me..

Tapper...I know exactly what you mean.

Thank you so much for your time.. it's been a while since I posted anything that was actually new to ME.. so It means a lot to get compliments and constructive critism

~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

8 posted 2006-07-09 09:38 PM

Hey Heather,

I'm sorry to see that you are having a rough time of things right now. I hope that soon things will get better for you...

As for the poem itself? I liked it. Not really one of my favorites by you but for one that the feelings just kind of "came" out it was very good. Better than what I could do if I was feeling upset...

I'm also unsure on the ending, I mean, yes, it does make sense with the start but I feel like it ends a little to abruptly for my tastes, no offence. I think it needs just a little more, but what do I know? Nothing.

This stanza here,

"Life has handed me more,
than I wish to take,
and now that I see the outcome,
my heart begins to break"

I loved it, it's special to me cause I can relate in a lot of ways to just these few lines...

Anyway, great job on this poem, it's been awhile since i've really seen anything of yours, i'm hoping you'll continue to post yet more often

@-->---

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

9 posted 2006-07-09 10:14 PM

Stargal... thank you for replying.. I haven't really been able to right lately.. I don't know why I just haven't got the feelings.. this is the first new thing I've written in a while.. I usually write longer.. There are some of my poems that are too long I believe. I was trying to write something new and this is what came to me.. the ending.. I understand what you mean..

thanks for taking the time to reply.. I really appreciate it when you read my work

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

10 posted 2006-07-10 10:25 AM

Life has handed me more,
than I wish to take,
and now that I see the outcome,
my heart begins to break.

i absolutely loved this stanza, and the first one too. I think maybe you could've ended it a little bit stronger...but you did really good. I really like this one by you, every poem i read of your's is a favorite of mine. I love how you write, you have a great talent with words.

-missy

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