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Teen Poetry #7
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| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Untitled |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Wrote this a while ago. I'd appreciate you commenting, but please, criticize as well. I actually dont really like this one, and wrong it rather quickly, so please tear it apart. I'll glady do that for any of yours  .Untitled Frozen heart Dilapidated muscle Faded in silence Content with possibility. Holds silently onto something. Perhaps, someone. Intent and focused, on this grasp of despair loose grip of hope suddenly screams, as it releases through the fingers. Gone Content with nothing |
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| © Copyright 2003 drummerboy678 - All Rights Reserved | |||
*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Hey first off thank you for commenting on mine earlier it was very much appreaciated! Now on to more important things, your work I like the first stanza all except this line Content with possibility, you're talking about the body and then this line happens and it confuses me slightly. I don't understand how it ties in with the rest of the stanza Holds silently onto something. I like this line it shows a sense of searching and I don't know it just kinda reached out to me, tickled my fancy so to speak. Perhaps, someone. I would personally put "or perhaps someone" just to make it flow better but that is a personal choice. as it releases through the fingers. Gone I like just the word gone at the end makes it stand out and it makes the reader really see and feel the impact of that single word, very powerful. Slight suggestion I would put "as it is released" that just sounds like better grammar to me. Content with nothing Nice ending it brings it all to a close. To me it almost feels as though you've led the reader from a very broad vague begining and narrowed your thoughts and narrowed them untill your left with just the one expression to ponder. Beautifully done ~Live and Laugh~ Because of you I laugh a little harder, smile a little more, and cry a little less |
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dertah Senior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 584 |
sweeeeeeeet!!! |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Thanks a lot. I appreciate your suggestions. I'm agree with all of them and I wanted to add some things myself too. Thanks a lot for commenting. |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
ummm... Well, I don't want to tear it apart I feel mean. But I'll do my best. It seems a little choppy, and little bit vague. Explain more without letting on too much, without being completely obvious. The last line is good, and also, "content with possibility" maybe center your poem around theses lines. I would say try to make everything your saying more tangible, It is descriptive, I SEE it in my mind, but its blurry even still. So make it feel more real. I'm sorry, I'm not too good at criticism, but I hope I helped in one way or another. Have a great day. ~Lex |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Lexy - Thanks for the comments. Seriously, never be worried about criticizing poems (at least not mine). I love to get criticism. It's the only way people get better. I'd rather get a post with someone saying they hated it and giving me reasons why, then someone who just says 'great job'. Thanks for commenting though. I'll probably dig this one back out and work on it a bit more. I wrote it as a quick draft a while back. Thanks |
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