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young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2003-10-29 12:35 PM

time's faded fears

what are you afraid of?
do want to cry
at the thought of your
boyfriend or     friend leaving?
do you shudder when
night silently arrives
and you are left
to your lonesome mind?
i will tell you things
that i cower at,
the things that can
sirupt my peace anytime.
I fear      :
not       itself,
i fear never saying
goodbye to my precious parents,
i sob at the
image in my mind
of them weeping for me
at my beautiful funeral.
i fear never telling
her that she is the One.
that i want to forget myself
and find everything in her.
i fear lonliness,
i fear faded time,
and lost friends,
i fear an empty end.

now im alone, but not lonely like before

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

1 posted 2003-10-29 12:38 PM

Different poem. I really like it. Especially the line, "I fear never telling her that she is the one."
Excellent job!

thanks for sharing.

W.W.
We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

2 posted 2003-10-29 02:01 PM

"i fear lonliness
i fear faded time
and lost friends
i fear an empty end."

Oh how this pulls my heart strings in the tears of my heart. What do we all fear but the idea of nothingness. It engulfs our everyday, when the world turns its back on us and rips at the back of our very minds. This piece is most excellent... applause.

quote:
"Those who will never taste victory, will cherish it the most."(R.W.Emerson)

NJS

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

3 posted 2003-10-29 05:05 PM

mmmmmmm, fear....i love it!!!! (siad in a jim carry mask voice)

magic_612
Member

since 2003-07-31

Posts 190
NB, Canada

4 posted 2003-10-29 05:42 PM

very good poem... really made me think. Great job!

Ally Stone
Junior Member

since 2003-10-20

Posts 48
D.C.

5 posted 2003-10-29 09:13 PM

"I fear an empty end"

I may steal this line and base a short story on it. This poem was fantastic, keep it up!

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

6 posted 2003-10-29 09:51 PM

if you use it in a story, i would feel priveleged!!

now im alone, but not lonely like before

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

7 posted 2003-10-29 11:43 PM

First off, want to say I love it.  Also read your comments about wanting people to 'tear apart your poems', so I thought I'd give that a try, because I know you don't learn much from just the "nice jobs".

I like how you start it off with the question.  Second line, I think you want 'you' in there (do you want to cry).  I don't really like how you use 'boyfriend' and 'friend'.  Seems to redundant.  Maybe replace boyfriend with 'lover' or something like that, to make it more universal as well.
I love the next 4 lines.  Don't really like the word 'cower', even though I know what your trying to say.  I just dont really think it sounds right.  Sirupt?  Wasn't sure what that was.
I like the next 2 lines, but when you say 'goodbye to my precious parents.'  I don't really like precious there.  Alliteration is there, but it doesn't really work well describing your parents.  Almost sounds sarcastic.  Also, the adjective 'beautiful' describing funeral.  It has the rhythm there, but I don't really like how it sounds either.  (Just my opinion).

I love the lines:
"that i want to forget myself
and find everything in her."

And the last 4 lines of this poem are beautiful.  Great job.
Hope you don't mind all the comments, or get offended by any of them, as they are all just my opinions.  I love the poem though.  Really great job.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

8 posted 2003-10-30 07:45 AM

thanks alot for the criticism, your comments are very helpful. the word "sisrupt" should be disrupt.

now im alone, but not lonely like before

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

9 posted 2003-10-30 04:02 PM

This poem was AWESOME! I agree with your first two replies...although, I didn't read much of your others because I wanted to reply while the poem was still fresh in my mind. LOL. But yes, your last few lines were absolutely amazing. "I fear an empty end." I think that's what was written, not sure...But I believe this is one of the most beautiful poems I've EVER read. I cannot express to you how much I felt this. I'm practically speechless! GREAT WORK!!! ~Jess

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

10 posted 2003-10-30 05:08 PM

haha...thanks alot jess...im glad i could entertain you so much-alex

now im alone, but not lonely like before

Olive_8
Junior Member

since 2003-09-20

Posts 41
Canada

11 posted 2003-11-04 01:03 PM

Ummm, to be truthful, it wasn't the best poem that i have ever read, but it wasn't the worst, i liked some of your lines a lot. Ummm yeah, i don't get all the spaces that you are leavin in the middle of sentences, but oh well i guess.

~*Everything will be ok in the end, and if it is not ok, then it is not the end.~*

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