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Teen Poetry #7
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Don_Juan
Member
since 2004-04-08
Posts 252
Far from where I am going

0 posted 2004-08-31 11:07 PM


Discount Tile

suffocated vent
clear duct tape
repelling required heat
from a frozen room
yet a fan cools the ice
is this place liveable?
can i call it home?
mass confusion of the few
stranded in faulty corridors
but at least th wallpaper was cheap
The tile was discount as well
could i get a pat on the back for that?
i whisper these explicitly vague descriptions
through oximoronic phrases
just to show my befuddled disposition
did you get all that?
advancement of vocabulary
although a prerequisite
of nations old and new
comes to be a discouragement
of the land of the free
apparently to be brave
is to be uneducated
and basic.
do these words mean anything?
could they be more than pen strokes
on a page?
only to those who've taken the time
to not be slapped back,
strapped back,or held
to what their parents have taught.
only to those who let the
media and pop culture pass them by
in order to further themselves
and those that never took notice
left to dangle or lie down
in the vat on their own inactivity.


this was spawned in a creative writing class. let me know what you think and what i can do better.

nice use of muffin

© Copyright 2004 John Lervezuk - All Rights Reserved
kissa~rachelle
Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988
nowhere special
1 posted 2004-09-02 10:30 PM


hmmm...well i liked it a lot, but it sort of just seemed to drag on towards the end. Maybe just me.

I would recomend maybe adding some metaphors or similes towards the last few stanzas...

Otherwise i liked it. The overall meaning was awesome...

Karissa


I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

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