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TheGirlNoOneKnew
Member

since 2003-12-04

Posts 92
PA, USA

0 posted 2004-08-03 08:14 PM

2 a.m. and my heart is breaking
just as it has a million times before
but how can our joyful reunion
result in such a monumentous disaster?
Is it easier to just fake it,
to listen to my own heart now,
And tell you face to face
that I never once felt yours beating?

2 a.m. and I'm alone again
writing your name with this pen again,
everything used to be so easy before
before the end of you and me.
Is it safer to just lose it,
to let out all these emotions inside,
or do I kiss your trembling lips and whisper
how fast my heart is beating now?

2 a.m. and this is it,
I take deep breaths to calm myself,
as my shaking hands pick up the phone
and dial the number I know all too well.
Your voice answers, your breath shallow
and I know that I am choked up too
so I tell you the words you long to hear,
"Yes, I feel you, I can feel your heartbeat now."

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-08-03 10:18 PM

this was a pretty good write. ummm...at the end of the first stanza it's confusing whether you're talking about his face or heart.the was a little weak i thought. the whole piece is really emotional and then the end is kind of a let down. good work anyway. i enjoyed it.

TheGirlNoOneKnew
Member

since 2003-12-04

Posts 92
PA, USA

2 posted 2004-08-03 10:55 PM

The end of the first stanza didn't seem to be too confusing. It's about staring at someone face to face, and trying to deny something you know you can't.

As for the ending, I didn't think it was weak at all. But thanks for replying.

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

3 posted 2004-08-04 03:10 AM

Let me see how i can say this. The over-all idea of the poem is understood, but you chose to word it differently, if that makes sense. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but thats how I see it. I don't think any of it is weak, and you did a really good job of creating a visual in my head. Strong poem with subtle words. Maybe thats not even it. I don't know lol I can't get what I'm thinking into words. Anyhow...good job

And A+ for the way you handled the "constructive criticism". Very professional

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

4 posted 2004-08-05 01:35 AM

that was good. very real.

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