navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » You Mean the World to Me
Teen Poetry #7
Post A Reply Post New Topic You Mean the World to Me Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
tapper798
Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353
My own world

0 posted 2004-06-11 04:41 PM


You mean the World to Me

Looking at you smile,
and your eyes so beautifully brown,
I find myself lost in thoughts,
about the best guy I've ever known.

You always leave me,
with a world of magical thoughts,
full of your heart and your face,
engulfing me, overruning what I'd always fought.

A wall I built for protection,
to keep the hurt away,
was broken by you, my love,
letting my true feelings make way.

Your strong arms have,
taken my dreams, too.
dreams to feel them around me,
now my only dream is to be with you.

Every time we talk,
I find myself holding my breath,
wishing it didn't have to end,
feeling there's only half of me left.

So unexpectedly I fell for you,
the one who brought a smile to my face,
brought a laugh to my mouth,
and made my heart race.

To me you are the world,
and all God made good.
If I could be with you now,
I would get there any way I could.

You are with me always,
whether or not you can see,
I love you with all my heart,
and you mean the world to me.

-Erin

Let me know what you think guys! I wrote this when I was on vac. this week and I missed my bf sooooo much. Let me know honestly, if you don't like it tell me why and what I could change and if you do then plz tell me why. Thanks!

"If ever you think of me out of the blue, just remember it's all the kisses I've blown in the air finally catching up with you!"
  *~Erin~*

© Copyright 2004 Erin - All Rights Reserved
Savage Quiescence
Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326
Wandering
1 posted 2004-06-17 02:26 AM


This wasn't a bad piece, but it was a very typical love poem. Thats not necessarily a bad thing but I would have like to see something that ventures from the norm. On the plus side, your rhymes didn't sound forced and your meter isn't too off so WOOOOOO we need more of that around here, go you! The other thing is punctuation. There are way too many commas that break the flow. I would suggest not using them at the end of every line, only when you want a pause. Keep writing, you obviously have great inspiration in the one you love.
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » You Mean the World to Me

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary