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Teen Poetry #7
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The Storm
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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The Storm |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world 
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Ok guys...I'm not sure how this one turned out.This is about my boyfriend, and though some of you might not agree with online relationships, I love him more than anything.We can't even chat this summer and I'm heartbroken...I just don't even know what to do...and I wrote this amidst all these emotions so sorry if it doesn't make sense...it's about inner torments with him and my strong love for him.And I encourage critiques, please let me know what you think and if there's anything I can do to better my writing. The Storm The rain falls freely down to earth As the tears fall down my face, Clouding up my mind… Now a scared and confused place. The lightning strikes the ground, As your love has struck my heart, Leaving me so utterly helpless, And unable from you to part. The clouds swirling across the sky, Making the mood sad, Reminding me of the hurt and pain, From the best relationship I’ve had. The rain keeps growing stronger, Flooding the grounds beneath my feet. Just like your love flooded my mind, Blinding me from things to see. The wetness soaking through the clothes Chilling me to the bone, Protected me, as too you had, And never leaving me alone. The darkness has taken over, As has my loneliness with out you. Without you to lead my way I’m unsure of what to do. -Erin "If ever you think of me out of the blue, just remember it's all the kisses I've blown in the air finally catching up with you!" |
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| © Copyright 2004 Erin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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sweet_cute_palestinian04 Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418Earth |
wow,,i like it but heeh i dont agree in internet relationships..lolol..good luck.. lovezzz I hate the world because it does'nt have a taste, i HATE the world because it does'nt have a color.!! |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
well first let me start of by saying that I really enjoyed this piece and I feel for you right now as have those same emotions running through me. As for the poem... I absolutly loved the begining, grabs the reader and brings them right in. The third stanza however, needs something else, I know your trying to rhyme but I think you should look for a more discriptive word then "sad", it is such a vivid piece so far and the use of a plain word all of a sudden does not do it justice in my opinion. "Protected me, as too you had" I would personally would take out the "too" it gets the same meaning across and makes it a little less wordy. I would also try changing the last stanza around just a little so that you don't have two "without you's" right together. The rhyme scheme works well in this poem a few places it seemed a bit forced but nothing that jumps out and hits you as being off. It is completely emotion packed and the references to storms was beautifully done as well. Over all Lovely write. ~Live and Laugh~ The memories are worth the pain when the happiness is outweighs the sorrow |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world |
Thanks for the replies and thank you *Belabebeautiful*! I really appriciate you taking time out to make my poetry better! Finally some constructiveness. Though I like getting things like "good write" and nice things(dont get me wrong, i like those) it's nice to see someone who's a better poet help me become better. Thanks again! "If ever you think of me out of the blue, just remember it's all the kisses I've blown in the air finally catching up with you!" |
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